Unplanned/unwanted pregnancy - how long did it take you to be happy?

[catlike1979]

The above really. I've posted before recently but basically we decided to start TTC baby number 2 this month, last time took over a year to conceive and we needed fertility treatment, I'm 38 and so we thought prob best to get the ball rolling as it were. DS has just turned 2.

This time, I've got pregnant first time and I'm still reeling. I've gone from being a bit on the fence about TTC, to being desperately unhappy and depressed that I'm pregnant. I'm in shock, yes but also I just don't want my life to change, we're happy as we are.

However we've always planned to have two children so I'm not sure why I feel quite SO unhappy. Yes it happened quicker than I thought, I guess I thought I'd have a good few months to get in the zone but fundamentally I'm kicking myself as I made the decision to try this month based on my head (my age, taking us ages last time etc) and not my heart (gut feeling I'm poss not quite ready yet?)

My question is, for those that had an unplanned pregnancy and were unhappy with the news but decided not to terminate, how long did it take you to be happy and excited about it? Did it ever happen? I'm feeling so down and every day I wake up and wish it was just a bad dream :-(

Aw what a confusing time for you. I was in major shock when I found out I was pregnant, I was so down about it and I felt awful for feeling like that. I think I started to feel different a few weeks in. Slowly but surely by the time I got my 12 week scan I felt totally different. Do you have someone you can share these feelings with in real life? I know you say you always planned to have two children but just remember you always have options if you really feel like this isn't the right thing. Hope you start to feel better soon, sorry if my advice isn't great just didn't want to read and run x

I feel you. I found out I was pregnant recently. Very much unplanned (contraceptive failure), and as I'm 21 and a full time student I wasn't exactly thrilled when I first found out. I felt very down and upset and had no idea how I was going to manage.

Now, even though I'm still terrified (this will be my first child), I'm becoming happier day by day. Like ginandnappies said, do you have someone to talk to about your feelings? I found that being totally honest with my fiancé and family about how I felt made me feel enormously better, almost like a weight had been lifted.

Now, I'm excited about welcoming this baby. Good luck!

I was absolutely distraught when I found I was pregnant again. Already have 3 children and currently pregnant 32 weeks with twins, contraception failure.
I cried for 3 months solid and although I love them unconditionally already I was / am scared of the massive change. That above all I think is what I was so distraught about.

I find pregnancy is a bag of mixed emotions at the best of times. You will be fine once you have got your head around it.
Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy 🤰

Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of doubt and panic about how we're going to manage and just how dramatically our lives are going to change, but most of the time now I feel excited and happy about this baby, instead of feeling utter despair like I did when I first found out.

It's a process. A lot of people expect woman to feel instantly elated at the discovery of pregnancy and of course some women do, but it's totally normal to have mixed feelings. You're not a bad person because you didn't jump up and down with joy. And you won't be a bad mother. That's mostly what I was worried about, that I wouldn't love my baby because I wasn't happy when I first found out.

I totally understand this. We lost our first baby late on and then had to go through to rounds of IVF to conceive again and I still felt very confused about the whole thing once I fell pregnant! It was like I knew I had wanted it, but just wish it had happened later. Even though it had taken us three years to get there!

I see a perinatal mental health nurse who does a lot of asking women how they feel about their pregnancies and she says she has never met anyone who did not feel at least ambivalent about their pregnancy at times, even when it had been planned and desperately wanted, and that this is a normal and healthy human response. Fear of change is a real thing even with 'good', 'happy' or 'exciting' changes. It's an important human instinct that lets us make sure we are doing the right thing and helps us stay in control.

Not sure how far along you are, but your life might not actually need to change a lot right now, so maybe you could try being a bit more gentle with yourself, live normal life, enjoy your current family and give yourself a bit of breathing space to deal with things in your own time?

My second was a surprise. Like you I had assumed we'd have another, but not so soon. I felt totally panicked and scared that I was going to ruin things.
As it was I got sent for my first scan a bit too early, so there wasn't much visible. Because of that I didn't bother to get any scan pictures.
It was the day after that that I felt absolutely terrible. I felt like I had already treated my second child differently than my first and I really beat myself up.
It made me realise that the shock I felt at being pregnant was just that. And that no matter what I loved this baby just as much as my first. Give yourself time. It's a big deal, but you will be happy again

It sounds like you are still in shock OP and I'm sure things will get better - can your OH help? Is he supportive?

Thanks so much ladies for your honest and kind replies. I just hope that one day soon I will be okay with this, that I will go to my scan and be excited and happy too (and nervous and anxious but that goes with the territory I guess!)

I just feel like I wanted this to happen but I've realised it's too soon. I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy (I had a really awful pregnancy with DS with lots of complications), I wanted to look forward with anticipation to baby number 2's arrival, especially as this is probably my last pregnancy. Also when baby is here I don't want to be thinking that it all happened too soon, and that special magical time is all over too soon as well, again as it will be my last baby. I know that sounds really, really weird but it's the best way I can explain it. I don't really understand it myself :-(