Just found out expecting baby number 2 and feel shocked and sad

[catlike1979]

DS (firstborn) has just turned 2 and I've just found out I'm pregnant with our second baby. We decided that the earliest we'd like to start trying is January and given that it took us a year last time and we had to have fertility treatment, we didn't expect it to work for ages. Typically, it's worked first time naturally! (can't believe it after the trauma of what we went through last time)

I was a bit unsure about whether to try this month or not - wasn't sure i was ready - but in the end given the above and my age (38) I figured it was sensible to get the ball rolling and so took what felt a bit like a leap of faith (whereas DH is super keen and has been for ages). I felt fine about it for the first week or so but as period time started to loom I just wanted AF to turn up. When I took the test and it was positive, DH was so happy whereas I just burst into tears and pushed him away when he tried to hug me. I've basically been in a state of shock, permanently crying, feeling sad and awful ever since. I know how ungrateful this sounds and I'm sorry :-(

It's not like the age gap will be too small - DS will be 2 years 9 months when baby comes. I just feel this sense of not being ready to go through pregnancy again, not feeling strong enough or motivated enough to get through the tough times whereas with my first I was so super excited I could have coped with anything.

The main thing I think though is - and this is going to sound really weird - I felt so sad when the baby days were over with DS and he started growing into a toddler, the only thing that got me through it was the thought that I'll have another baby one day. I kind of don't want to start this process because once I've had that second baby, that'll be it and there'll be no more and I'm grieving already for that. I want to almost suspend the anticipation of a second baby because I don't want it to be over too soon, and now I feel like the time has started ticking - even though I'm only 4.5 weeks!

My NCT friends largely haven't starting trying for their second babies yet and whilst I know that every family is different and I'm not too worried about timing them to be born at the same time (as it's impossible and pointless!), I also worry that I will be sat with my 6 month old whilst my NCT friends are having their new babies and I'll be desperately wishing I could go back to the newborn days again to hold that new baby for the first time, those first few magical (and bloody difficult let's be honest!) weeks and wishing that I hadn't got pregnant so quickly because if I hadn't then I would be having my newborn now.

I know this sounds really, really weird and I don't really understand it myself. I just want to wait a bit until second pregnancy for the above reason and was hoping it would take at least a few months to get pregnant, but it appears to be happening now and I should be so happy but instead I just wish it wasn't happening yet.

Has anyone else experienced the above??? Can anyone help? Just feeling so low.

Thank you in advance xx

I think it's normal to have mixed feelings about being pregnant, particularly when you weren't quite ready yet. Allow yourself to feel the ups and downs, but if you can't move on from your sorrow, think about talking to your GP about it.

In terms of the end of your son's baby days - there will likely always be days when he wants to be your little baby. My daughter is 15, 7 inches taller than me and still sometimes wants to sit on my knee and have a cuddle.

Having a baby is often a welcome new beginning, but all changes bring endings too. I hope you feel a bit better soon and that your husband is understanding.

I can't offer much advice as I'm pregnant with my first, but I think what you're feeling sounds normal. You just need to take some time to get your head around it, especially if you were thinking it would take longer to conceive. All I've ever wanted is a baby and mine was very much planned, but as soon as i got a positive test i thought I'd done the wrong thing. I pushed DP away and just wanted to be alone. But it passed and it wasn't long before I was overcome with excitement.
Also, you've got a 2 year old to look after! Most of your energy will be focused on that so I don't imagine you do get the same level of excitement on your second, not to mention you're probably knackered most of the time.
I'm not sure there's ever a 'right' time to have a baby, and I hate being pregnant so I don't think I'd ever get excited at the thought of that again lol but give yourself time, and make sure you talk to your DH, don't go through your feelings alone. If you don't feel better in a few weeks speak to the GP or see if you can see your MW earlier.
I hope things feel better soon

I've experienced this twice. When I fell unexpectedly pregnant with my second I was very confused. We were planning on trying in two months time and had got carried away one night and had unprotected sex for all of three seconds before DH put a condom on. I wasn't even in my fertile window (although wasn't tracking) but it was literally two days after my period. Everything felt so out of my control and I had hoped mat leave would coincide with school holidays and realised it wouldn't fully. I also felt like the chance of trying had been taken away for me and I would never have that excitement of "trying" again. It took me about 3 or 4 months to feel properly happy about it.

The second time is now. DH have been talking for the last year about whether to try for a third and hadn't come to a decision. We were largely put off by finances and other practicalities and knew things would be too tight and so we should wait until things were a bit more stable. Then one day about 3 weeks ago I started getting symptoms, tested and found out I was pregnant, no unprotected sex had. I quietly freaking out. I am SO worried about the practicalities but I can't bring myself to terminate but I would absolutely regret it. I am gutted as much as I am happy. Gutted because I know it's wrong and happy because I know it's wanted.

I think the thing is I've learnt is to take it one day at a time and try not to think about it too much. I know that at some point the bond will come, because it did last time.

We get into our heads that pregnancy will be a certain way. It's not always and ultimately what you end up with is a wonderful child. I felt guilty before my second was born because I was worried about the impact to my first. Weirdly I feel the same this time. What about the impact to my existing children? But given it was ok after my second, I have to believe it will be ok this time.

Talk to your DH about how you feel and try to believe that your feelings are ok.

Your feelings sound pretty normal to me (albeit complicated!) Try not to blame yourself for them or worry about them. TBH it sounds like you would have many of the same feelings when you conceived again no matter when it happened - and of course pregnancy can never be precisely planned and so often isn't at the "perfect" time.

Take it one day at a time and give yourself a break. All of us at some point have to grieve the end of our childbearing, the "last" baby, the last time we experience all the firsts. You'll get through it.

I’m heavily pregnant with my second baby. I absolutely hate to admit it now, but I only came to terms with being pregnant at my 20 week scan.

I was fortunate to get pregnant easily with both babies, and whilst I really worried about financial matters, and how my life would change with my first, I was still incredibly happy from the moment I tested positive. In this pregnancy however, I had a similar reaction to you upon seeing the positive indicator, whilst my DH was absolutely over the moon. I couldn’t face telling anyone our news, as I just couldn’t come to terms with it. I managed to delay it for 1 week, but I’d have happily not told a soul for as long as possible. I felt pressured by my DH to start telling people, as his Dad isn’t in very good health, and he said that he would really regret it if his Dad’s health deteriorated, or if he died before we could tell him the news.

My DD was 2.5 years old at the time, and I didn’t feel at all ready to try and cope with another baby, nor going through pregnancy and labour.

I told family and friends and just went through the motions - I was either almost totally emotionless, or feeling negative about my situation depending on the day. I went to my appointments and the the first scan, and still felt numb. It was lovely to see my baby on the screen, but it didn’t feel real like it had done before. I really suffered for the first 4 months in this pregnancy, and it made me feel really moody, and deeply sad for my DD, as I would be very emotional and irritable. I found it hard to continue taking her on days out, as I felt as though I couldn’t physically cope, then I would cry my eyes out with worry that I was somehow letting my beautiful little Daughter down by not doing all the same things that I used to do with her

The second scan was the turning point for me, and since then I have come to terms with everything and have been happy. Don’t get me wrong, I still get very worried and emotional about how I’m going to cope from time to time, but I’m so much happier now.

I just wanted to be very honest with you about my experience, and to let you know that for me it took a very long time to come to terms with. I hope it will happen sooner for you for your own sake, but please try not to beat yourself up about it, or feel like you have to ‘put on a front.’ That’s one thing that I found the worst - that everyone around me kept on talking about my pregnancy, asking questions, and being happy about it. I would keep my answers very vague, and couldn’t help but to be honest about my feelings - I just couldn’t lie. I knew they meant well, but just wanted to tell them to fucking leave me alone.

Best of luck with everything op

Your feelings sound very normal - I don’t think anything ever matches the excitement of a first pregnancy and it’s normal to be in shock at this stage, especially as it happened so quickly for you. I do understand what you mean about grieving the baby days. Does any mother not go through this? But I found it easier second time around as I was so tired I was quite happy for the baby stage to end!!

I think hormones are bloody scary things and it is an tubal to feel a massive range of emotions during pregnancy. We wanted a baby, decided to start to TTC and i got pregnant first time. I'm now 11 weeks and only just getting my head round it. I went to mothercare at about 6 weeks to try to get myself excited and completely freaked out. It's got a bit better since I started being nice to myself and let myself feel however I feel.

Tubal?! Normal!

Thanks ladies so much for your kind and honest responses. I know that, logically, my feelings are ok as it's such a big thing and it will take a while to adjust. I just don't know how I'm going to cope with all the struggles of pregnancy - I didn't care when I had morning sickness, back pain etc with DS as I was SO desperate to be pregnant after struggling to conceive, that I could take anything. This time, right now I feel like I don't even want to be pregnant so how am I going to cope when morning sickness etc. starts? I just miss my old life already and feel so sad. People tell me that what's coming will be twice as good but every time I wake up I have this sinking feeling that I wish this wasn't happening yet. DH and I even discussed a termination last night but in my heart of hearts I know I couldn't do it as we have always planned on having 2 and I don't want DS to be an only child, so my gut tells me this is not an option. Just struggling so much still, I regret trying this month and just wish we'd waited. That sounds so awful doesn't it :-(

No it just sounds like you’re in shock still OP. I don’t think the second pregnancy is ever as exciting as the first. If you’ve deciddd that termination isn’t right, then I suppose you have to find a way to come to terms with the decision you made to try this month and just be patient and honest with yourself and whatever feelings come up? Sending OP

I felt like this when preganant (unexpectedly) with DS3. We considered termination but I just couldn't go through with it. I will be honest in that I did spend at least half my pregnancy feeling in disbelief and not wanting it to happen, but towards the later stages I started to accept and then actually get excited! And when DS3 was born, I know everyone says it, but it all just fell into place and I couldn't have been happier. You'll get through it - hugs.