He's told me he doesn't like me anymore and doesn't know if we have a future- I'm 25 weeks pregnant

[magpiemay]

Since the beginning of my pregnancy my OH has become increasingly agitated, argumentative and distant.

This baby was planned by both of us. We are engaged and own a house together. We started trying for a baby last year and had a MC, we both supported each other and had never been stronger after the loss. At the time this baby was conceived we were so in love.

Last night we were meant to go out for Valentine's Day, on our way to the meal he said he feels very overwhelmed and flustered by me. This then went on to a 2 hour conversation/argument in which I explained that I feel unloved and unsupported and he told me he thinks I'm irrational and controlling.

Since January he has been running or going to the gym every night after work, he runs on Saturday mornings, he sees his friends at least weekly. I have never once complained or tried to stop him... why would I!! But as I've got more pregnant I have asked him to help out around the house ie Hoover / empty the dishwasher / take the bins out which he always did in the past but with his new routine he does nothing!!

The argument ended with him admitting he doesn't like me anymore and isn't sure if we have a future. He said he is overwhelmed and can't handle my 'mood swings and unreasonableness'.

I honestly don't think I've been bad. I feel so devastated that at a time he should love me more and take care of me he is doing the opposite,

We have discussed a break from one another, or splitting up. He also said he feels down so maybe he should see a doctor? I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for being so unsupportive and unkind at such an important time in my life.

What a shit.

If he feels low, yes he should speak to his GP about it and maybe that will help.

But he may also have just revealed his true colours, because you are quite right at this time he should be the most helpful, the most supporting, the most in love he's ever been.

I'm so sorry OP but at least you're married to him yet!

• not married

Thank you. I really really hope that this isn't his true colours. I want everything to be ok. I just don't think there's much more I can do, it makes me feel awful that I'm so desperate for him to step up and love me!

I don't know if a break might help him get perspective, I just know he's making me miserable at what should be such a special time.

Might he have met someone else? The fact he is out of the house every night sets off alarm bells for me.

I really don't think so, he's adamant he hasn't. I known it's awful to admit but I did check his phone whilst he was running at the weekend. He always leaves it around. And there was nothing but plans with friends to meet him at the gym etc. So I really don't think there's anyone else involved

Don’t put him on the birth certificate
Do make sure he’s paying child maintenance

What a shit

He's been a dickhead but that's no excuse for denying him his name on the birth certificate.
Fair do to give the baby her last name, but refuing to put a father on a birth certificate is starting a game of 'baby as a weapon'.

Absolute selfish arsehole

No man who abandoned me before birth would be getting their name on the bc. They’ve proven by the action they’re not fit to parent.

Do make sure he knows that being asked to take the bins out isn’t repression, it’s what functional adults do, generally without being asked.

If he needs help he needs to get it fast because he’s going to be a father soon and his responsibilities are going to increase somewhat. If he’s not willing to step up, if he continues to duck responsibility by fucking off to the gym every night or running then you’re better off without him. You will have a baby - you don’t need a manchild as well

Can I offer a different perepective? My husband was behaving similarly in the lead up to the birth of our first child, although he never said he didnt like me, he was increasingly agitated by me and I really wasnt doing anything. Turns out he was suffering from great amounts of stress and anxiety that led to a breakdown - hypermania and then depression. I stoody by him when he really wasnt there for me at all, but I knew that wasnt the true him and could bear it for sometime before he got help. You know your partner best, could he be having anxiety issues? A new baby is a lot to deal with even if it's planned, we all react differently. Not to say his actions arent completely unsupportive but could there be another element at play?
Hope you're ok xx Focus on you and baby, that's what I did. You will always have your child x

Don’t put him on the birth certificate

But he IS the father, surely? That just seems wrong.

OMG can we please not turn this into another birth certificate debate. It's not what OP is interested in right now. She can look it all up if/when it does become important to her. She has time.

I agree with pp that it can definitely be a stressful time for everyone and he might be worried about being a good father etc. OP you're best placed to know whether that's a possibility. Based on your description I think he just sounds like a rubbish selfish person whose realised life will no longer be about him. But I don't know him.

You have a few months until baby will be here, so definitely time to try and work out if he is stressed/shitty. Try talking to him, encourage to see GP. And investigate your options as a single parent, get advice on the house etc.

Try and talk to someone in real life for support as well. You can do this by yourself if you need to but having your Mum/sister/friend at the birth, going home with you for the first weeks would be nice.

My friends OH left the day she went into labour and people all around her stepped up to help. You'll be surprised.

Pregnancy can be such a stressful time for partners - they don’t always feel particularly connected to what’s happening and may be anxious about an unknown future that is so different to the present that they know. Have you spoken to him about how he feels about the changes that are going to happen? Obviously you discussed these before ttc but sometimes they can seem quite distant at that point, and by 25 weeks of pregnancy suddenly seem very close! Could it be that he’s apprehensive and just isn’t being open with you about it?

The way he’s treating you is not nice - as you say he’s being unsupportive and unreasonable, and that’s not fair. But instead of jumping ahead of yourselves and ending things, it sounds like you really need to sit down and talk about what’s changed since you conceived this child. Not arguing but just talking. Find out what’s bothering him, even if it does end up to be something seemingly petty, and work from there. You’re having a child together. Keep those communication channels as open as you can. I really wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you x

Yes make sure he goes to see the dr. It might be that there are underlying reasons he’s being like this

Although if not be excusing his behaviour. Things like the bins and the hoovering are all part and parcel of being a grown up. He’d have to do these things if he didn’t live with you. Also being helpful and respectful and sharing the load with a partner that needs a little extra help is another part of being an adult. He’s being a shit

Take him at his word. Don't pin your hopes on it just being him trying to get his head round being a father. Assume you'll be doing this alone.

If you need to get a mortgage on your own, it'll be much easier now than when you are on mat leave, so start investigating if you can buy him out now. Talk to your family, will they help you?

Don't just bob along and hope he comes round, start working on the principle you are splitting up and being a lone parent, the reality of you telling people and sorting out buying him out of the house might just shock him into realising this is real, or else might seem like a huge relief for him.

I agree with those saying that pregnancy can be a stressful time for partners and you also have marriage planned. He might be finding it very difficult to get his head around the massive changes that have happened in his life and the prospect of more ahead. That doesn't excuse his behaviour though. He really needs to step up.
Maybe have a further discussion when you are both calmer and gently run the possibility of him not having fully taken all the stress into account by him?

Cherchez la femme

This happened to me with my first and I am now not with my DS's Dad. It did turn out that he was having an affair, but he was very secretive with his phone, so I wouldn't be too suspicious about that kind of thing if you've had open access to his phone etc.

I just want to reach out and say I understand what you're going through and how shit it feels at a time when you need lots of love and reassurance. It may all be a normal knee jerk reaction to the huge responsibility of pregnancy etc, but it is not ok for him to behave like this.

My ex told me that I was unreasonable, irrational and controlling when pregnant and after our DS was born told me he couldn't forgive me for the way I was when I pregnant. I put a lot of blame on myself and it took a long time to get over. So I know, on reflection, that it is 100% not you, it is him and the personal issues he has.

If he's prepared to go to a doctor, I would support him and encourage him in this. I hope this is him having a selfish blip and it is something you can both work through and resolve.

Oh and with regards to the birth certificate. If it comes to it, I agree with everyone who has said his name needs to be on there. I wish my exes wasn't on my son's, but that's because of the way I have been treated by him and the stress he has caused since the separation. It would have been a lot easier if he wasn't. However, he is the father and he has a right to be on there for him as much as for your child.

Do you both work?
Because whilst I get your asking for help around the house he should be doing his bit anyway!

Sounds like he's realised that his cushy life if about to change and he doesn't like it

Sorry to hijack your post OP but I was in a similar position to you a few years ago. We weren't pregnant but my husband was increasingly distant, irritated, argumentative and generally not like himself.

We have had quite a turbulent past full of arguments and rowing endlessly (I was 19 and he 20 when we met and we've been together 10 years so practically grew up together) and I thought this was coming back around again.

I had a frank and honest talk with him and he broke down in front of me telling me he was convinced he was dying.

He was suffering with health anxiety and was in a really awful, very dark place because of it. He was having muscle spasms and did a little googling and managed to convince himself he had motor neurone disease. He'd sit for hours clenching his fists and lifting weights in the gym because surely if he can still do these things he doesn't have the disease, but then fatigue from overuse of the muscles would set in and he'd once again be convinced he was sick.

He didn't sleep properly, he wouldn't eat properly, he couldn't relax or sit still and hated being home from work because he'd have to do nothing and that meant his head would rule him again thinking he had the disease.

I took him to the doctors, he didn't want to go because he was certain they'd tell him he was sick. They referred him to a mental health specialist and hes turned himself around. He still gets bad days every now and again but he knows how to cope with it now.

Try speaking with your husband and seeing if he needs support from a medical professional?

Sending love xx

I feel like some people are too quick to dismiss men as soon as they show doubts - I didn't see the OP say he got aggressive or the like, in fact he sounds quite submissive the be offering the possibility of going to a doctor - for men it's statistically less likely for them to seek help for mental illness such as depression and anxiety. From personal experience I would say to sit down, gain an understanding of a conversation revolving around support and the future, and definitely encourage him that a GP appointment is sensible at least just to see.

Remember though, do think of you. Ensure you are mentally and practically prepared for if things don't work out and be prepared to do what's best for you and the baby - but DO invest in someone you've evidently been on quite a journey on already. Best wishes xx

I would throw the towel in just yet OP. Pregnancy is very stressful. Could he be depressed?

Thank you all for the replies.

In answer to a few questions- yes we both work full time, I'm about to drop down to 4 days a week until my maternity leave.

I will be naming him on the birth certificate whatever happens.

We had a good talk last night and I think he's very overwhelmed and anxious, maybe depressed but refusing to see a doctor now. I still think he's being a selfish child and being really harsh on me but I don't think it's out of spite.

He's said he loves me and wants to make things work. He's been a lot nicer and more helpful last night and today. He said he appreciates everything I do and he knows he needs to step up a bit. But is still pretty adamant I've been a nightmare to live with etc.

I guess all I can do now is see how it goes.

I wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out and wouldn't want to live here without him as it's quite far from my friends and family. if things get any worse we can sell the house and I should have enough to buy somewhere closer to my mum and friends.

I feel quite prepared for things to get worse but really hope that he's had his wobble now and things will be ok.

He sounds like a proper shithead.

You probably have been a little more difficult during pregnancy, but he needs to seriously step up and be a better person because most men go through this and most men deal with it and help their OHs through it - as shit as it may feel for him, it feels FAR worse on this end!

Don’t break up up with him, but let him gently (in case his fragile manheart breaks) that he either steps up or he isn’t cut out for it and it’s for him to make the decision on his own what to do if he can’t handle having a pregnant Mrs. Because having a child is having a constant dependent that needs you and nags you and needs you to do stuff ... so how is he going to cope when baby is here if he can’t with a pregnant Mrs?

I have no patience for men who think pregnancy is going to be a walk in the park and blame the Mrs for changing (when she’s going through the most life changing, mentally and physically, time in her entire life. So yeah, duh.)