Finding out the sex and baby names

[pumpkinbump]

There's a lot to my story with this pregnancy and I have so many questions so may be posting a lot (sorry).

Main issue for me is that been with father of baby for 2.5 years. He was vehemently against having any children. He is 42 I'm 36. Found out I was pregnant 17th January at 16 weeks. The timing suggests that it should not have happened at all. I was on the fence about having any.

He was very unsupportive for 2 weeks following finding out. We don't like together and I didn't see him. All he did was tell me time and time again how much he wished this wasn't happening, how if he could change it he would and how he couldn't believe it which resulted in a lot of arguments which I found very stressful. He didn't ven ask what the midwife had sad when she came to my house for an appointment, after I had given him the opportunity to be there. I gave him many opportunities to walk away but he was adamant that as it has happened he would accept his responsibily.

Eventually we started talking properly and he has since been talking about it rationally to the point of discussing baby names. I have so many things going around my mind which I will try to be concise about.

My issues at the moment are - The sex of the baby. I have a scan on 14th February, I don't want to find out, he does. I am not sure if they would tell him without telling me? I am worried that if they do tell him that he will let slip and ruin it for me?

Names - I have had two names picked out for as log as I remember on the basis of ever having children. He has agreed to the girl's name but not the boy's name. The trouble here is I do not like any other boys name and I just can't imagine calling the baby a name that I am not fussed on.

I am currently very worried about these issues. He also wants to ask them at the scan how this could have possibly happened given the time of when the baby was conceived. I fear that this is just going to make me feel bad and ruin the experience for me? It's my first baby and probably my last.

In addition I believe the surname will be an issue. I still have my father's name who I am not in contact with, and who I very much dislike. My mother passed away in 2013, and I am now set on changing my name to my mother's maiden name which is the name she had when she passed as she reverted after divorcing my father. I want to pass this name onto the baby, but with the fuss he has made over baby names, I believe he is going to expect the baby to take his surname. I don't want my child to have a different surname to me. I know this may sound harsh but my reasoning is, he never wants to get married, he has agreed to stay here for a while after the baby is born but will not be giving up his own house (1 bedroom house) to move in here permanently. So in this case, as I will be sole carer and am yet to see how hands on he is going to be or not be, why should I agree to all of this?

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Wow... Not really sure how to help. There's a lot going on. Are you still together? Are you both planning on bringing up the baby? I think there's a lot more to sort out in your relationship than names... I think if you're in it together there needs to be a compromise on names... You've picked a girl's name perhaps compromise to something you both like for these boys. If you're sole custody and carer and you definitely want to change your last name... It's possible and baby's name can reflect that on the birth certificate but really I think the focus needs to be how you're both going to look after baby... How is your relationship going to progress... Together/apart.... Talk it all out. Xx

What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like he has treated you pretty appallingly. What right does he have to things like names, when he still wants to question how you are pregnant in the first place, and won’t consider living together?

I think you need to assert your own wishes and needs. I would not let him dictate names, find out the sex, and I certainly would not give the baby his surname. You have no obligation to do any of those things. At all.

I’m so sorry you’ve had so little support from him. It does sound like he holds a lot of power in your relationship, and you can say no. I know you said you gave him opportunity to walk away, but what about you? You don’t have to stay in a relationship with him if you don’t feel it’s right. He can still be involved, named on the birth certificate if you like.

Thank you. We are still together. I think he plans to be here full time for a while to help with the baby but also keeping his house which I suppose means that when the baby is older and things have settled he can retreat there for a night or two. It's fine by me as I don't know if I want him to live here permanently anyway but unfair I think as it means he will get a break and time to himself and I won't.

Thank you lifeofpies. I know it came as a huge shock to him and I do sympathise that he has now been catapulted into this position when he never wanted this. But on the other hand, it was also a huge shock to me and I still haven't come to terms with it.

Will they tell the father the sex at the scan without the mother? I can find nothing about it online. I would be ok with him knowing but I think hes going to slip up when talking about it, he might say when he's born or when she's born during general conversation without even realising, in which case it will be ruined for me.

I agree with Hula, but I also get that things that may seem small and insignificant to others can really play on your mind especially during pregnancy. Finding out the sex and naming your baby are so personal, that you both need to be happy with your decisions. The best thing you can do is sit down and talk, and keep talking until you're both on the same page, not just with names and gender but like Hula said how do you foresee raising this child successfully together.
You could ask them at the scan to write down the sex of the baby. Take a piece of paper and envelope. That way your partner has the option of finding out, but he take it away and open in private. I've known couples to do this successfully where one parent knows sex and other doesn't.

They may or may not ask if you want to know the sex, and they’ll listen to you as the Mum - they won’t tell him if you don’t want them to! If/when they ask just say no thank you. And if he says he pushes it I would deflect or repeat that you don’t want to know. Any sensible sonographer would ignore the partner in this scenario. I wouldn’t discuss it much in advance if it’s going to cause arguments, but be firm in the scan room.

He sounds delightful. Personally I’d sod what he thought about finding out the sex and the baby having his name as he’s hardly been supportive and doesn’t actually sound interested in the whole thing.

That would be fine One2, but I'm just worried about him slipping up. As far as raising the baby, it seems he will be staying here for a while, then maybe spending some nights at his. It's not ideal I know, and I am already worried how it might affect the child but who am I to tell him what to do or where to live?

You’re right that it’s a shock to both of you, but I struggle to sympathise with his reaction. You both created this baby, if he was so vehemently against he should have been more careful with contraception. You are in a particularly vulnerable position when you have an unplanned pregnancy, especially finding out so late when there is little time to adjust or have options. It is your body and he has little claim over things as it stands, and especially not when he seems to want to be a part time Dad, wanting to still have the option of spending nights away from you etc.

I guess also when the baby is older, and he decides to spend x amount of nights at his own house, I'm essentially going to feel like a single mum.

who am I to tell him what to do or where to live?

Really?! But he can dictate when he stays at your house?

This is what I have told him. He has said to me that if he thought there was any risk at that time that he wouldn't have taken it. Initially he said he blamed me even if it was wrong to as I said it was ok due to the timing. I had to search online to make him realise that I was not wrong and that indeed when it happened there was virtually zero chance. Somehow though it has happened. I advised him that no matter what form of contraception is used, there is always a chance.

Yesterday he said a rather hurtful thing. I asked him due to the time if it had crossed his mind that I may have been with someone else, he said no but had had bad thoughts. At first he didn't want to tell me in fear of causing an argument but he eventually admitted to thinking that although he didn't think I had been with someone else, he wished that I had been, and that although he would have been gutted that I had been with someone else, at least that way he wouldn't have the responsibility of having a child. This made me feel like complete shit because not only does he not want the baby he would be have preferred something to have happened where he wouldn't have me either.

He's going through phase stages, he may change his mind again. Here's easy answers

I'd change my name now, double barrel if he wants his surname too

Sex: is it worth arguing about? Perhaps it'll help him bond and sort the boys name problem if it's a girl

Living thing - he doesn't sound committed to anything except himself to be frank

Oh Pumpkin, he sounds unpleasant, unsupportive and in now way deserving of being a parent.

I was trying to be positive in my first post but I don't think I can towards him now! There is no way you should let this man pressure you into any decisions you don't want to make like name/gender when he doesn't even want this baby. Change your surname back, and give this to your baby too. From the sounds of it this would mean a lot to you. I wouldn't be able to give my child the name of the man who didn't want to be his/her father in the first place. Does he have to be at the 20 week scan, as this could eliminate the chance of him finding out the sex? Also why does he think he deserves to find out this privileged information?!

This will be my first scan, since finding out it was the first one available and by then I believe I will be 20 weeks so I am not sure if there will be another after this.

He wants to be there I believe, I want him there but not if the experience is going to be ruined for me. I really don't want him asking at the scan how this could have happened. If he wants advice on that he's welcome to call the midwife but I don't want him mentioning it at the scan. He things that the father should have the same rights as the woman regarding names and sex of the baby.

You may also want to post this in relationships, pumpkin, for some additional views.
He can think what he likes, but you do actually have choice here. I would not bring him to the scan. If he did prove that he could be fully committed to the baby then he can pay for a private scan later on.
You don’t need this hassle.

There's no way the sonographer should be asked about how you could have gotten pregnant. It's not their job and that scan is to check your baby is fit and well not to give your bloke contraceptive advice.

Also choose the names, use your surname etc as who knows if he'll stick around.

In all honesty, pumpkin, I really doubt this whole thing is going to work out. Babies, even planned babies, test the strongest and most long-established relationships. And this man... Is not very nice.

You don't have to pack it all in now, but fundamentally I would make all your decisions on the basis that you will be raising this baby predominantly as a single parent. Give the baby the name you want, give it your new maiden-name surname, find out the sex if YOU want, and don't for the love of God make any concessions in the hopes of keeping him happy, because you can't. All these decisions are in your power as the mother - he can't even be on the birth certificate unless YOU allow him to come with you when you register the birth.

Completely echo @QueenAravisOfArchenland ... You need to do what's right for you because if there relationship fails, you need to be happy with the choices made... He really doesn't sound supportive at all and I'd be fuming personally... As pp suggested, you may get more ideas too from posting in relationships. Hope you're able to find a solution xx

If he finds out you'll definitely find out too, you'll know from how he reacts to further name discussions.
I think you'll need to compromise on baby names, you both need to be happy with it. There are thousands of lovely names so keep looking.

The sonographer won't tell him the sex if you have asked them not to. The scan is a medical procedure performed on you, not him and he won't have any right to be told anything that you ask not to be disclosed.

Agree that you've got bigger problems than name issues, and suggest you just park those now as no need to decide for many months yet. Why don't you wait and see if he sorts himself out between now and the birth and proves that he wants to be involved. If yes, you might consider taking his name views into consideration, otherwise what he wants is irrelevant.

Similarly, he has no right to be at the scan or to find out the sex. If you don't want him to know he doesn't get to know. If he wants to be involved in his child's life he needs to step up and earn the right. And you need to focus on what's best for you and the baby, not get distracted by petty arguments about names when he seemingly hasn't accepted that you're even having the baby.

Maybe step back from these questions while you ask yourself a really important question.

Do you want your child to be looking to a man like this to provide the ongoing love, support, and sense of self that it needs and deserves?