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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Have I made a mistake?

20 replies

Lovemylife1 · 03/02/2018 19:39

Please don’t judge me. I’m 24 and 22 weeks pregnant with my first baby and left home last week to move in with my bf, we’ve been together for 4 years but both stayed with our parents to save for the deposit we needed to buy a house. Don’t get me wrong I love my bf so much and this is what we’ve been working towards but I’m just not happy, I miss my dogs and my parents so much especially spending time with my mum, I haven’t slept all week and even seem to have lost interest in the baby who was wanted so much, I loved looking at clothes and stuff for her except for the last week, this just doesn’t feel like home and I keep crying thinking I’ve made a terrible mistake and wishing I could go home. I know I’m lucky to have what I’ve got so why do I feel like this? Also my bf told me yesterday he may not be able to be at the birth as he has to go on a trading course for work otherwise he will lose his job and we really can’t afford that. 😢

OP posts:

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 03/02/2018 19:41

No shame in being home sick - especially when you add hormones in! Stay at your dm's if that's where you need to be right now.

Lifeofpies · 03/02/2018 19:42

you’re going through a lot of upheaval, no wonder you’re missing your parents’ home. You’d be forgiven for feeling homesick without also being pregnant! It is early days though. Have you spoken to your mum?

Flamingo84 · 03/02/2018 19:54

I was 18 when I moved in with my then bf (now DH). After about a week I got really homesick and cried. When I pictured home it was my parents house and it suddenly felt like a mistake. I felt like that and I didn’t have the added stress/hormones of pregnancy! It’s completely normal to feel out of sorts after such a life changing event and another on the horizon.

Speak to your bf about how you’re feeling. My DH really made me feel better, and not so lonely. Contact your mum and see if you can arrange a visit (I bet she’s missing you too!). Could you ask to borrow the dog on a day you’re free? It might give you a bit of home comfort during the transition.

Once you’ve talked it out with the people who love you I’m sure you’ll feel better. It takes a while for a new place to feel like home but it’ll happen before you know it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/02/2018 19:59

Can you ring your mum for a chat? Arrange to meet her tomorrow? Sorry you're so down, it sounds like good old homesickness which is understandable after leaving a loving home. Hopefully talking things over might help you.

Original poster

Lovemylife1 · 03/02/2018 20:11

Thanks everyone, my bf is off work for 2 weeks and is really supportive it’s just he went to uni so has been away from home before but I have always been with my mum except for holidays and stuff but I knew I was going back, so I don’t think he quite gets how I’m feeling even though he says he does. He works off shore on an oil rig so is away for 2 weeks at a time, I feel like such an idiot he even offered to move in with me and my parents so I wouldn’t be alone when he was gone but I knew he really wanted his own house so moved out. I’ve been back to see my mum and dad once but it made me more upset and my dad told me how much my mum was missing me so that made me feel even worse. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/02/2018 20:15

Is moving back home while BF is away an option, even if it's just for a little while?

Lifeofpies · 03/02/2018 20:22

Have you moved into bf’s house? Can you do more to make it yours? Maybe invite your mum and Dad over and get their ideas too. If you’re going to be very lonely while you bf is offshore then I would plan to stay back with your folks sometimes.

Thelampshadelady · 03/02/2018 20:31

Yes I agree with maybe staying with your parents while your bf is away. Maybe even just for a few nights over the time he’s gone.
Give it time though, it’s a big change moving out. I remember feeling lost for a little while. My dad helped moved some bits in and when he left I remember feeling really sad. I soon felt differently though. Try and view it as a new exciting chapter in your life.

LastOneDancing · 03/02/2018 20:37

How far have you moved OP?

I was very homesick when I moved in with my (now) DH... and I lived alone before! It takes a while to adjust to living with someone, even if you love them & know them really well.

I agree with PP - could you go home in the 2 week breaks? At least while your off on mat leave (if you're working)?

Original poster

Lovemylife1 · 03/02/2018 20:44

No we bought the house together it just doesn’t feel very homely even though we’ve put out own stuff in, I’m thinking it may be because it’s a new build it doesn’t seem to have much soul everything is so clean and clinical, anyone else ever felt this? My parents said I can come and stay whenever I like and they still have my bedroom set up for me but it just makes me feel like I’ve failed and that I’ll never be able to leave and be independent.

OP posts:

WTFIsThisVirus · 03/02/2018 20:47

Maybe ask your mum to help you decorate? You can then make your house feel like home, and spend more time together.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/02/2018 21:05

You’ve not failed if you go back whilst BF is working away. We all need company. I’m sure once you’ve been there a while and put your stamp on the house you’ll feel happier it just takes a bit of time. Try not to worry.

windchimesabotage · 03/02/2018 21:10

Awwwww it just takes time for a house to feel like a home. Also its scary having a baby for the first time and your hormones will be all over the place. Dont be so hard on yourself. If you need to go and stay with your mum for a couple of days now and then just do it. It doesnt mean youve failed at all!! Also maybe you could have her round to yours for dinner or just to watch a film together? Might help make your place feel more homely.

You just have a lot of changes going on and its natural to feel anxious please be kind to yourself.

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 03/02/2018 21:13

I’d been married for three years when pg with DS1 and hasn’t lived at home since 6th form.

I still went home when DH was away whilst I was pg / had a newborn.

Do whatever makes you feel happy.

Chienrouge · 03/02/2018 21:18

I’m 33 and have been with DH for 10 years, we’ve lived in 4 different countries together.
When my DD2 was newborn and keeping me awake all night, DH was working away and toddler DD1 was still waking in the night, I packed all our stuff and turned up on my dads doorstep. I just wanted to go ‘home’. When you’re hormonal and tired it’s normal to feel homesick, and to want the support of your parents. It’s not failing.

hannknitted · 03/02/2018 21:38

When I first moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) he worked offshore on a rig too and was away for 2 weeks at a time so I can totally sympathise with how difficult it is. I moved 90 miles away from home to be with him so it wasn't like I could just pop back round to my mum's all the time, and it was really hard - I didn't know anyone and I felt really lonely and miserable, it was awful. It took me a long time to stop crying when he was away, and for the house (I moved into his house) to start feeling like my own home.

However, it DID happen - the house felt like mine (I actually cried when we left that house!), I made friends, got used to being independent and learned to keep myself busy whilst my partner was away. It took some time, but I got there - and it was worth it, fast forward 6 years and we're happily married with our first baby on the way.

I guess what I'm saying is that you'll get there too - it might take some time, but just be patient and keep going and soon things will start to feel better. It'll be worth it when you're settled into your home and you have your new baby there with you. Until then, as others say, do whatever you need to keep you happy - phone your mum every day, go round and stay for a couple of nights whilst your partner is offshore, make plans with friends and stay busy, decorate and spend time making the house your own.

Kpo58 · 03/02/2018 21:49

I also felt very homesick when I moved out to be with my BF (now DH). I cried every night for a few months and I had only moved a half hour bus ride away from my parents and my BF didn't work away. This is without having pregnancy hormones to deal with.

It might be easier for you if your parents visit you, rather than you visiting them. I found going back to my parents made it much harder to settle into my new home.

GottaBeStrong · 05/02/2018 10:30

I totally understand how you are feeling. I moved out of my parents' house into my fiancé's house. I didn't feel too homesick until I got pregnant. I'm nearly 21 weeks pregnant and have been quite homesick and have cried about it. I'm 37 and did live away from home at uni for 4 years. I was still living with my parents as I have a disability which means I can't work full time and need some care.

Anyway, my family are a 3 hour train journey away. I actually have my little dog here but I miss my parents and their dogs and my birds (which I couldn't bring as we are renting). We went there for Christmas and like you said, being there just highlighted how much I miss it. It is comforting there. This place does not feel like my home partly because it was his home but also because it is far more clinical being a modern house with no open fires or wood burner and in an urban environment. I also don't really know anyone here. I am thing that I am going to make more effort to try to meet people so I build my own support network and friendships here.

Re: your BF's job. They must have a procedure in place for accommodating men whose partners are expecting babies to be on shore near the due date surely? Perhaps he can ask HR and find out what happens as that would be one less stress for you.

hannknitted · 05/02/2018 16:44

@GottaBeStrong Unfortunately there isn't always much in the way of allowances for offshore workers expecting babies (at least not in the North Sea, anyway - conditions are generally not great!) Obviously it varies from company to company and OP's partner should definitely check with HR, but I think in most cases he would continue to work as per his rota, and then once the baby is born paternity leave entitlement would kick in as it normally does. If you are offshore and your partner goes into labour, the company will fly you back onshore but that's it, as far as my experience goes - I work in HR in Aberdeen (not in oil and gas, but I see enough of it to generally know what the Ts&Cs are like). One of the reasons my husband and I really didn't want to have children whilst he was on rota offshore - it can be really tough. It is manageable though, especially if you've got family around you for support.

Rachy334 · 05/02/2018 16:45

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to go and stay with your parents, especially if your boyfriend works away. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old and my partner is working away for 10 days so I’ll be spending at least 4 of those nights at my mum and dads. I dont really like being on my own and even tho I’ve been moved out of home for 10 years and love our own house my mums place still feels like home to me xx

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