Hi
I had my third miscarriage over christmas and Im now 38.. Im starting to loose hope that I will ever get pregnant. I'm very up and down right now and trying to latch on to anything to distract me from how bad Im feeling inside not only for me, but for my long term partner and family.. just a walking world of sadness, grief and guilt. Im trying to keep going and find joy in other things, but I know this has changed me. I would like to think there is a future outside of children but its hard when my friends around me either have families already or starting families it just feels like my childless status is in my face all the time. I never know what to say when at the hairdressers or getting my nails done and they start to make conversation about children... sometimes I make an effort to change the conversation away from that, sometimes I tell them the whole sad tale... but then wonder afterwards why I did when I see the pity in their eyes or they start to tell me a story of a woman who had 8 miscarriages and has now got 4 kids. Its like I'm numbing down the whole experience into a conversation about a holiday I'm going on later in the year.. 'you know just something for them to talk about' to help them feel less awkward that I just don't have children. My friend, one of my closest friends has got pregnant at about the same time as me, she's now past her first scan and on to the second. I feel so happy for her, but also that makes me feel even worse about myself that as this is her second baby (she's only just gone back to work from maternity leave) its all so easy for her. Im struggling to be around her at the moment, but she keeps asking to see me and do things together. I forced myself to all go out together as a group of 4 this week for a meal, first time I had seen her since the miscarriage. I smiled and chatted through the meal even though I was sitting opposite her and her fella and their child, most of the conversation was focused on him and me and my partner were sat together. She has asked us out again next week but I really don't know if I can face it. I know this all sounds terrible of me, but I just can't face it for so many reasons. I just wondered if anyone else has gone through any of these feelings and could offer advice.