Sister's IVF and my situation

[willisurvive3under2]

I'll try to be brief! All my life I was never 100% sure I'd have children. Had a good career, met DH relatively late in life. At that point I would have been happy with 1 DC, who arrived promptly. We decided to have another one quite soon, I fell pregnant quickly again. And yes - you guessed it from my username - it's twins. It'll be hard and it was a shock but I'm so happy, we both love being parents and DC is great fun.

DSis is a good few years younger than me. Was always super maternal, works with children, always said she wanted lots of her own. She's been settled with her now DH for ages. Guess what? They can't have children. It's male factor, they've just started IVF.

I'm heartbroken for her. When she told me they'd been TTC for years (I suspected as such but never asked obvs.), I knew I was expecting DTs. My heart sank. I told her in due course. She wants to be involved in my DCs lives. I send photos, we talk about them, we visit. But I can't shake this sadness, she must have to try so hard all the time. I try to talk about other stuff, I don't make a point of being pregnant, but it's hard when you're having twins and massive.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Is there anything I can do to make things easier for her? And also, realistically, what are her chances with IVF? Transfer day next week, I think about it constantly, I don't know how she's managing. I wish we could swap places sometimes Thanks for listening.

You sound lovely, I wish I had a sibling like you. I was your sister...with a t**t for a brother. The way he treated me so disrespectfully with ludicrous judgement & insensitivity has broken my family.

You are being so cautious and sensitive which on its’ own is already fantastic. Be proud of yourself.

If she doesn’t want to talk, please don’t push her. With IVF as I am sure you’re now aware, at every step there are 1,000 ifs & buts, nothing is a given, so many things are not guaranteed. With this in mind, I would suggest avoiding unwanted clichés such as ‘It just wasn’t your time’ etc.

It sounds to me like what you’re doing (& not doing) is spot-on

Many congratulations on your news x

Bless you OP, that must be hard for both of you.

I guess all you can do is be there for handholds, help her during the waiting for the results, try and do some fun stuff to keep her relaxed & mind off the subject for two nano seconds.

Many moons ago during a course I did as a nurse, I assisted at an egg transfer, & was there when the results came back first time failed, second time success, well you could have heard the screams of delight miles away. It was so emotional for the parents ( hormones all over the shop too) & I remember feeling emotional even though I was on the periphery of it all.
My point is you never know what is going to happen, whatever the current stats, some eggs or embryos take some don't. Despite all the progress & discoveries with infertility over the last 30 years it's very much a game of chance.
All you can do is be there for her but on her terms, and just cut her some slack if at any time she seems distant or not wanting to talk, there will be days when she is impossibly sad or worried and your situation will hurt even though she loves you & your DC's to bits
Hope that make sense, it's getting a bit late for coherent thought from me! for you both & for a bit of something nice.

Everything crossed for next week.

Hi there

I totally get where your coming from, when we were younger my sister was told she would struggle to conceive and becoming a mother would be unlikely, it was a very hard time for her because knowing you might never have children when yo do want them is horrible. but fortunately she got her dream she now has 3 children one is a angel baby but she will always say she has 3 children.

But 7 years ago I met my now husband and we knew we wanted to have children so started straight away we then found out after years of trying we would struggle naturally also male factor but we went through IVF and now we have a beautiful 1 year old daughter. although many people will say don't get your hopes up ect but sometimes going through this situation all you can have is hope, I'm sure your sister knows your there for her so tell her to keep positive easier said than done mind you and knows you will be there for her when she does need you, my sister also fell pregnant before I was due to start ivf and I do admit sometimes it was hard for me to see or speak to her but just remember that isn't your fault,

If it is male the IVF cancer are good.They could also consider donor sperm?

I had 3 friend with male infertility. All did IVF.

1 conceived 1st round- mobility was the issue
1 conceived 2nd round-low sperm count

They both had twins!

3rd one didn't conceive. Clinic suggested donor sperm but her DF didn't want it. They adopted but eventually split and she has sole parental responsibility for the adopted child.

chances not cancer.

You sound like a really supportive sister, and she sounds like she doesn’t resent you for being pregnant.

Thanks all. They have at least 4 good quality embryos to transfer. They're going to do one at the time as she's young at the clinic advised against multiple transfer. The problem is very low motility which I guess has been bypassed. Now to see if it all works out. They're going to freeze the other embryos which means if this attempt doesn't work out, it'll be easier to try again (I think?!).

Thanks for the positive stories and the encouragement. I'm trying my best and she's a star, I think if roles were reversed I could never be so cheerful.

I'm trying hard not to say things like 'I'll save you X item from my DC's pile' as it's probably not appropriate.

You sound lovely. I don't think you need to do anything different.

Fingers crossed, first hurdle (of this stage) done.

I agree don't tell her but I would save some bits for any future baby. Imagine if she conceives and yiu can hand over a few favourite bits as a show of faith that they would get their baby eventually x

Hi. I'm I the same situation as your sister with 3 failed ivf behind me with male factor. Hopefully it will work out for her, but know that if it doesn't she's going to be feeling it even if she doesn't show it. Let her come to you, ask how she is without mentioning it, don't send endless baby pics unless asked. And never, never, ever complain about anything pregnancy or baby related. You're fine to feel tired, overwhelmed, etc but talk about that with anyone else. Fx for your said.

You sound very considerate and caring.

My advice is make sure you talk to her about it. I’d even go as far as telling her that you feel the situation is shit for her and that you don’t want to parade your kids in front of her (she will appreciate this acknowledging that it is a difficult situation for you too). Obviously don’t turn the situation to you, but just acknowledging that it really is shit for her and that you have had it ‘lucky’ sometimes is all that is needed.

If you educate yourself on the IVF process (fertilityfriends.co.uk is good, including their forums), it will help you be interested and in the know about the process to talk to her about it.

Also you can help her with her own mindfulness - this is stressful for her and her DH, she’ll need your support away from him, and you can help by letting her sound off, cry, laugh and generally having a “rock” other than her DH to talk to.

During my infertility, a family member and 2 friends stepped up into that role, but other family (close ones too) didn’t. They didn’t understand the process, the terminology, didn’t listen to my feelings, as they found it ‘awkard’ and ‘confusing’ and gave half hearted advice that’ll “it’ll be ok” which was never technically true.

I wish your sister all the best.

And FYI, I had 2 embryos transferd and ignored the “your young” advice. Ultimately we were infertile and therefore 1 embryo to 2 didn’t double our chances, but increased them only slightly. We also did frozen embryo transfer too. 7 frozen, had similar views to your sister (one at a time) and that didn’t quite work out like that. They tend to thaw in more than 1. We ended up 4 thawing, no good, remaining 3 thawed, and 2 good ones. How do you then choose which one, when you’re told 2 are good eggs? We couldn’t decide so had both (against advice). One took, and dd is a miracle baby.

Thanks all. Transfer done yesterday, unfortunately they only had 1 embryo to freeze but I guess it's better than none. The other ones didn't make it. Now for the wait, she said she's not going to test early - she's definitely got more willpower than me! Thanks for the support.

Aww good luck to her (and to you with your twins). I was in your sisters position - married for 7 years, five years TTC and on the waiting list for IVF when my younger sister, unmarried and with no real plans to settle down (albeit with a lovely partner) fell pregnant on the pill. I'm not going to lie, it was hard, really hard, but I never let it interfere with the support I gave my sister during an unplanned pregnancy and the joy I shared in when her beautiful baby arrived.

Ultimately what your sister and her DP are going through can only be experienced by them and whilst you can support her as best you can, you shouldn't take on her sadness about it. You can't begin to, as you are not living it. Just as she is not living your experiences but can still be there as a support for you. Let her come to you in her own way on her own terms.

If you keep any baby things do so privately and without mentioning to her unless and until she needs them. Fingers crossed.

My friend’s sister announced her surly twin pregnancy (already had two teenagers) when friend was going through IVF. Friend was devastated but didn’t show it to her sister.

Happily she fell pregnant a couple of months later, now there are 3 four year olds who are great chums.

Gosh I can barely hold it together. She's having a blood test (beta test?) on Tuesday, provided she doesn't get her period before then. I don't know how she's staying so chilled!

I really hope your sister gets a positive result on Tuesday. You sound like a lovely family. You all deserve all the happiness in the world.

Good luck with your twin pregnancy. I hope all goes well for you.

I really hope your sister gets her BFP.

You seem like a very caring sister, and it’s lovely that you’re so considerate of your sisters feelings. I was in your sisters position (now lucky enough to have a Dd) and my sister was also very considerate. But she also kept a lot to herself and didn’t like to talk too much about being a Mum. I know she was trying to be considerate, but I knew she was holding back which made me feel worse.

The odds they spout - something like 1 in 4 ivf attempts working - seem very conservative to me. I have loads of friends that have had ivf and they have all conceived on the first attempt. A few have gone on to have a second and again it worked on the first attempt - some implanting embryos from the first cycle and some from scratch again. Obviously that’s not statistically significant being just my littl circle of friends but still.

Fingers crossed for Tuesday. You sound like a Lovely sister op.

Hope it works out for your sister, and hope your pregnancy goes well.

Im a day overdue with my IVF baby, first round.

Good luck to you both

@cherryontopp Fingers crossed for a smooth arrival!

Well I'm still pinching myself, she's pregnant! It worked! I can't believe it, I'm so chuffed for her. She video called me today at work, I knew it had to be good news. She's not even 5 weeks, obviously very early days but it's such positive news. What a miracle!

What a lovely thread, you sound like a great sister.

Congratulations to you sister 💐

I was reading the thread thinking please let her be pregnant!! Huge congratulations to your sister! Best of luck with the new arrivals!
Fantastic end to the thread!