I need advice! My mum is making me feel like such a s**t person...

[Mothermnd]

Hi everyone! Need a bit of advice. I suffer from anxiety, mainly social anxiety. I used to work full time in a very very stressful job that caused my anxiety to go through the roof. I quit my job and started to work for my DP dads company. My DP earns a very good wage and advised me he would prefer me to work part time instead of full time so that I still had my independence of working but I had time for housework and antenatal appointments etc. My DP could make my days wage in a few hours overtime which is why he seen it pointless for me to work full time when he earns such a good wage. My mum has proceeded to tell me how my DP Dad will not have much respect for me because I work part time and that I should not be relying on my DP for income. I've always said to my DP that I am fully willing to work full time as this job does not make my anxiety worse as it's admin work. I work from home due to my social anxiety as i find it extremely hard to work around a busy office without panicking and working myself up into a state. It's been going fantastic and I feel like such a happier person. My dad has always been there for me and has told me to ignore my mum and that she should mind her own business when it comes to our finances. I'm feeling really down in the dumps and constantly feeling like I'm worthless lately. Any advice?? I'd be really grateful xx

I agree with your dad. You should do what is right for you and your family. It sounds as if you are in a really good position being able to work at home like that and if it works for you, then why not? It is better that you do that type of work than try to force yourself to do something that makes your anxiety worse and makes you really stressed, especially during the pregnancy.

I do understand about finding it hard to deal with the criticism coming from your mum though as I find it the same with my mum. I am generally really close to her. She is quite an opinionated person so it can be hard hearing her opinion (unwelcome at times) on things that I am choosing to do in my life or that my DP and I are choosing to do. I am trying to learn to be more confident in my own decisions and choices.

Lots of people reduce hours as its tough having little ones with two parents working ft. If you can afford it why not - expect that I'm guessing your not married? In which case I'd be more nervous.

Thank you @GottaBeStrong , my mum is extremely opinionated too which makes it difficult to have a conversation with her without her always thinking she is in the right. I'll take yours and my dads advice! I just wish she'd say nicer things to me; it's almost as if she gets a kick out of putting me down!

@sittingonthefloor no me and my DP aren't married but plan on being engaged soon. Only reason we aren't yet is because he is determined to get me an extremely expensive ring as he said he won't go for anything less... told him I'm not bothered about price ha. I find it much more comfortable to work from home and just don't see her problem! X

I completely agree with your dad. I'm so sorry your mum just doesn't understand. What an absolute blessing this new job sounds like though! How incredible you get to work from home and you feel so happy now, I am so pleased for you! At the end of the day, you've got to do what's right for you. Some people can't be pleased. Even if you did return to your other job or get a job your mum would be happy with, she would soon be frustrated you weren't doing something else! Sometimes you've just got to ignore it unfortunately. I'm sorry your relationship with her is strained but it sounds like the rest of your family and extended family are wonderfully supportive!

Thank you @Wilson2 for commenting, you seem like such a genuinely nice person. Yes, she's never happy no matter what the siatuation unfortunately. She also has a drinking problem which she is in denial over which makes it so much harder to have a good relationship with her! I'm moving into our new house with my DP in just under two weeks which I'm guessing will help massively as I won't be around my mum as much. My dad is my hero and has always stood by me through my anxiety; I really couldn't of done it without him! X

If you like working full time why would you change that? You’re just letting him pressure you and taking out your upset on your mum, who seems to have your best interests at heart.

Or do you mean you’re happier working part time? In which case she needs to butt out .

you really need to get married to protect yourself if you're downsizing your career. sod the ring!

OP, I've just re-read your thread and realised that you've said that it's your dp that wants you to work part time but you haven't mentioned what you want? And do you have a proper contract etc or is it informal? ... in which case your mum does have a point and you are making yourself vulnerable if you aren't married. Not criticising PT work - I've done all combos, sahm, wohm and pt- pt suits me best be far, but it's what I've decided, not what I've been told to do.

@LemonysSnicket @Sittinonthefloor no sorry the way I've said it sounds like my partners telling me what to do which he isn't. I quit my full time job due to my anxiety being that bad I was struggling to function in the end which then my partner suggested working part time so that I wasn't anxious about work on top of my usual anxiety. My mum certainly doesn't know best when it comes to this situation as she's always told me to get a grip when it comes to my anxiety and has always made out that I'm exaggerating how I'm feeling. I've never been happier in my part time job working from home as I feel relaxed whilst working

Your set up sounds great OP and if everyone is happy with you working part time then that's brilliant.

I would echo some pp comments about getting married though. As things stand it seems you would be quite vulnerable financially if you and your partner were to break up? Particularly as you work for his family. Obviously everyone would hope that doesn't happen but I reckon it's always best to hope for the best but prepare for the worst!

If you don't plan to marry soon then try and get some protections in place I.e joint accounts that all money is paid into, 50/50 ownership of property etc. These things don't offer the same protections as marriage to the lower earner in a partnership but it's better than nothing.

Agree with some of the others, don't become financially dependant on him if you aren't married. Prioritise the wedding over the ring. Planning to get engaged is no protection at all.

You dad is right but I also think you need to take a step back and think about what it ìs you actually want.

Would you prefer to work full time? Do you actuakly want to do the housework rather than hire a cleaner / someone to do your ironing?

It's great your DP is happy to support you but you need to put yourself first and keep yourself happy and financially protected.

@mothermnd You're so welcome. I know what it's like to have anxiety. It can be so debilitating! Working from home is such a wonderful solution and I completely understand how you now feel so relaxed. SO pleased for you!
It must be so difficult for you with your mum but moving into a new place sounds positive. Is there anything you think that has triggered this behaviour in your mum? Mental illness is still so misunderstood, do you think it could be that she just doesn't understand it or do you think it's coming from a place of insensitivity?

Mothermnd, I have mental health issues and really hope that if my kids were the same way and had found a happy relationship and a way to work around their problems that made them happy I would be incredibly proud.

My mum was crap and would have behaved like yours, in fact very much worse (so I cut her out of my life). She made me feel like a shit person because she was quite a shit person. Your mum sounds less than ideal too, which sucks, but it sounds like you've got other people who support you, which is great.

Your financial situation does not sound very secure. If you would like to get married, you could always explain that you want marriage for reasons far beyond the ring - your opinions count just as much as your DP's, don't forget.

Devil's advocate kind of because I can see both sides...

Your dad's advice differs from your mum's because he has never been financially dependent on her in the same way. It's easy for him to assume that you will always be happy to live with your partner and he will always be happy to live with you.

I would be alarmed that my daughter was painting herself into a corner in your situation too. Not so much with the working part time but working part time from home for your DP's dad.

It could all go as it is now which is great! But there are risks and your mum is right to point them out to you - not that you are a shit person at all, but that you are leaving yourself in a vulnerable position.

Imagine if you and your DP aren't getting on, you want to leave but you'll have no job - or at best a job working for his dad - and no marriage protection over assets. While this might not happen; it is nice to know you are in a relationship because you want to be and not because you have to be because the alternative is awful.

Same if your DP leaves you.

As I say it sounds really doomy - especially as you are loved up at the moment. But I have seen enough good relationships go bad and have had friends who've spent ages in shitty relationships where neither person is happy to caution against giving up independence completely.

So I wouldn't necessarily advise working full time as that's really hard for the baby and new mother but would suggest doing the legal marriage bit at least and once the baby is here look for a PT role with a different company!

You’re working, plus housework, plus pregnant. Your mum thinks doing more equals less respect? Weird

If you are happy with the set up that's the most important thing.
However I'd echo others advice in getting some financial protection and making sure your contract is formalised. Getting engaged isn't a formal step - you're just in a relationship with jewelry. Marriage plus a formal contract is the best protection when you're in a financially dependent relationship.

It's a shame that your mum isn't being supportive. Sometimes women of that generation are just speaking from experience. My mum gave up work with me and then worked part time for years. She always advised me to work full time because her pension etc really suffered. As it happens I do work ft (my decision!) But I do understand where she's coming from.

Do not reduce your hours or your income and make yourself financially dependent on DP without the protection of marriage. You can have a big ring any time.

I don’t see this as an issue at all. I agree you should get married though.

When I got married I dropped down to 4 days a week (my idea but hubby agreed) similar to you- could afford it and that way I get a ‘me’ day. I get to be a housewife on Monday, and love baking/cleaning the house/running errands etc. After maternity leave I want to do 3 days- I work in a large company though where you can still have a great work life balance and progress up the ladder even if part time. Would you be happy doing admin long term?

Maybe your Mum is jealous- does she work full time?

Hi @Mothermnd, how's everything going with you and your mum? Has there been any progress?