How to decide when is the "right time" to have a baby

[MRoseP]

Hi!

First time posting on here and have a question about when the "right time" is to start trying for a baby.

I work for a start up company and we are a very small team of just 4. 2 of my colleagues have announced they are pregnant about 3 months apart from each other. They are roughly 8-10 years older than me and one is on her second. I have been married just over a year now and have always had "twangs" of wanting to start TTC but never have been sure I am completely ready. I am in my early-mid twenties so don't feel like there's any urgent rush and I had recently decided with my husband that we would wait another 6 months to 1 year just to enjoy a bit more time together.

Now, all of a sudden, I am getting FOMO (fear of missing out) with my 2 colleagues announcing they are pregnant (they are very close friends as well as being colleagues) and now I'm all anxious about when it's going to be "my turn"!

I know I have plenty of time on my hands and they are quite a bit older than me but I now feel a bit left out and wondering how I should plan my TTC journey. Being a small team, we've all chatted about how we need to strategically plan our pregnancies because being pregnant at the same time would potentially make managing the company a little tricky.

I guess I'm looking for someone to reassure me that my time will come and it won't make a jot of difference if I do it a bit later than them!

I've known for a while that I want to have children and will most likely (if TTC goes smoothly) be relatively young when I start that journey. I also have a real fear about not being able to conceive and that's definitely had an effect on me in terms of deciding when the right time is. I think if someone could look into a crystal ball and tell me I won't have any problems, then maybe I would be less anxious about cracking on with it.

Does anyone have any opinions on knowing when the right time is to start a family and how not to get confused by baby FOMO and actually wanting to start TTC? I fear I might rush into it and realise (when there's no going back) that I maybe should have waited a bit longer.

Thank you!

Me and DP planned a certain time to start trying then about 8 months before my best friend became pregnant and it made me feel a little bit like you did.
I spoke to DP and he reminded me of the reasons we’d agreed to the time we did (my work getting to a steady point, finances, a non child friendly holiday we wanted) and it did help. Also having the time before starting to try made me appreciate it a bit more as I knew that even when we started trying it would all be a bit different as even if you say we’ll be really relaxed about it etc in reality it’s really hard to do that

I found it helpful to think about it as waiting for when I felt ready to close the chapter of life I was in and move on to the next one. What I mean by that is that my pre-kids life was generally all about me and doing things I wanted to do. I focus on my career. I traveled (solo) and my dh and I traveled together lots (think like backpacking in Asia). We both worked abroad in developing countries. We stayed up late, partied, napped when we wanted to. We worked late or weekends without having to think too much about it, etc. But we knew all that would change when we had kids, at least for the first 8-10 years or so when it wouldn't be as easy to pick up and go off to India like we might have before.

I think we felt ready for kids when we felt like we did all of that, had a blast, but were a bit bored with it all and ready for a new chapter in life that was a bit quieter and a bit less spontaneous and a bit less selfish. Realistically, it was also when it was good time professionally for me to take a break as I knew I wanted at least a year off from work and would probably go back part-time for a bit after that.

I had my first at 32 and am pregnant now with my 2nd (due any day now) at 37. That was definitely the right time for me as I lived it up before then. I worried about my fertility as well, especially as I knew I wouldn't be having my 2nd before my mid to late 30s (as we wanted a good gap between them). But if don't know you have pre-existing fertility issues, I wouldn't stress about it. Most people get pregnant relatively easily within the first few months of trying. I got pregnant the 2nd cycle trying twice (one of those pregnancies, the one between my two babies, unfortunately ended in mc), but then I got pregnant straight away the month after. So it's been 1st or 2nd cycle trying every time. I was on the pill for 14 years straight before I started TTC my first as well, with no issues.

So there isn't necessarily a reason to worry too much unless you know you have a reason to. But I would just make sure you've done all the things you want to do before having kids. Travel, get to a good spot in your career, stay out late, spend time with friends (who you won't get to see as much once you have a baby), run a marathon, etc. whatever it is that you want to do that would be difficult when you are caring for a child 24/7. You'll probably known you're ready when you've done all those things and feel ready for the next chapter.

user1493413286

Thank you for your message... definitely feel reassured that I'm not the only one who has had those feelings. I think chatting to DH this evening will help me feel better about the situation. He's much calmer than I am about the who TTC situation!

mindutopia

Thank you for your reply as well! You make some very helpful points. Going to try and book some fun things to look forward to like maybe a few weekends away and possibly create a bucket list of things we'd like to do before starting a family. I sometimes need to be reminded that life isn't a race and there is time to actually slow down and enjoy the little things!

I didn’t have my DS until I was 29!!
And was still the first in my friendship group and so wish I had made even more time for myself before having him! There is no way to describe how much you give up any time to yourself to care for someone else!! And how absolutely permanent it is! That sounds silly but it hit me like a tonne of bricks because I was like ahh I’ll still be able to live like I do now! And I definitely can’t!!
Obv DS is brilliant and I wouldn’t be a day without him but it really it a huge step so take your time, travel, drink too much and lie in. Your time will come! You’ll know you’re ready!
Oh and there really isn’t any ‘right time’ only a right time for you x

mamamalt

Good points all round! Thank you!

I think it's partly to do with the fact that most of my friends are that bit older than me and are understandably in a slightly different phase of life. It's so easy to be influenced by the people you spend the most time with and maybe that's what I need to recognise.

Shall aim to sleep in and enjoy the "selfish" days as much as possible! Thank you!

I am 35 and on #1 although it did take 18 months. I don't think this was because of my age though - just bad luck.

I had such a wonderful time in my 20's and I always feel like I have had my cake and eaten it! I got to do all that fun stuff I could do when i was at my physical peak, was lucky to meet the love of my life around the 'right' time and now we're having a baby together and we're ready. We own a house, we have good salaries and jobs and it's right for us. HOWEVER.

I know plenty of friends who had kids in their mid 20's when THEY felt it was right. So....everyone is different! It does help if friends have kids but then someone has to be the trail blazer! I always think, you need to remember, once they're here you can't give them back so maybe if you're unsure save up, go on a mega holiday or two, do a load of things you know you want to do and then start trying? Or if you're sure and you don't think you need to do those things, go for it now?

I personally don't think FOMO is a good reason (although i get it!) and please don't have a baby at work's convenience. I'm a great example of how actually, you can't plan a baby - they come in their own time schedule and honestly.....do it for yourself not for colleagues and work! I'm not saying don't be practical about it just don't put that pressure on yourself.

Good luck!! I hope you reach a conclusion :D Whatever you chose chick it'll be the right one.

CL1982

Mega holiday sounds good haha! Thank you for your response. I definitely needed to hear that! FOMO is not a good reason at all, I know. It can just be so tempting to follow what everyone else is doing and not really fully consider your own situation. Easy to get caught up in the dream world of having a gorgeous little baby and forget they turn into tumultuous teenagers at one stage or another!

I know it will all work itself out. Thank you again!

@MRoseP Ha ha - yes, it's the toddler stage i'm worried about!

Everyone picks their own time and honestly, from watching this forum there is never a right or wrong time to have a baby.

It's very easy to get caught up in it if other women are pregnant around you. When it's want and you can see all those lovely bumps around you, it's hard to put it off. I was 24 when I first got the desire to have a baby, and am now pregnant with my first at 30. The last six years have been an absolute ball and I'm very pleased I didn't start sooner (for the reasons given above!).

I've found some broody stages hard to get past, but within a few weeks they've always past. If it's what you and DH really want then go for it, but if you're on the fence and you want to bugger about a bit more and enjoy the next few years without babies, then you can wait. Time is on your side! x

I had my first DC at 31 and that was perfect for me. Not too late so that I was an “older mum” but not too early either - DH and I had a nice long time just being a couple, travelling etc.

Although having said that I’d have done it a bit sooner if I could have convinced DH!

I was 32 when I needed to decide what my priorities were going to be so prob a good bit older than you, but because I was also concerned about my fertility I did a home testing kit. I got a good result back so it offered me the reassurance I needed at that time.

I agree completely with mamamalt, you really can't comprehend how all-consuming being a parent is until you are one.

Motherhood is...relentless.

I had my daughter last year at the age of 27, and while I don't regret it for a moment, I was not prepared for the sheer level of responsibility. I feel I have lost my former self a little bit. Some days it seems like all DD does is cry and it's mentally and physically exhausting, she has always been quite a difficult baby (definitely not all bad though, she does sleep well at night ). DH and I have barely spent an evening together since before she was born and it's hard to find any time for each other.

So as above enjoy the lie-ins, the peace and quiet, being able to be spontaneous and even just spending time doing nothing with your DH. Obviously at some point you will have to make a sacrifice if you want a family (and having a child and watching it grow is honestly amazing), and there truly is no 'right' time, but as you've said yourself FOMO isn't a good reason to have a baby and it sounds like you have plenty of time on your side. Perhaps wait and see how your colleagues find motherhood and make a judgement from there

Our 20s were great. Married, bought a house, diy renovated it because no money, good career progression, some great holidays, I got my work to transfer me to London, passed a final exam for a qualification, and then got pregnant very quickly at 31. While in early 20s if have been horrified to think I wasn’t trying for number 1 at 28 the reasons for holding off worked for us. I would do it exactly the same again.

Hi OP
I think FOMO is not a reason to start TTC. I would enjoy couple time, go on fabulous holidays, treat your self to lovely clothes and fancy bags, enjoy your hobbies, create your perfect home and fulfill your personal goals regarding work etc. And save lots of money if you can, having a large nest egg will see you through mat leave and beyond. Then you will come to a point when you know you're ready, based on where you are in your life and relationship.

Hey MRoseP

I think these ladies have put it all wonderfully so I'll try not to repeat, but add a few things -

I'm 35 and 20 weeks pregnant. For various reasons it took my husband and I 2 years of trying (the stress was hell tbh) and so if you were 30 and writing this message I'd say, don't rely on your fertility being ace... when I was 19 I accidentally fell preggers in spite of being on the pill and using condoms so always thought I was super fertile.. you never know what other extraneous factors might come into it!).

BUT that wasn't what I was here to say... what I'd love to throw into the mix is... and please forgive me, I really don't want to sound patronising... over your 20s and your early 30s you learn so much about yourself and generally get increasingly happier and more relaxed throughout because of it... those years really are there to experiment, cock up, party, indulge your whims and your passions etc etc... Then I met the man of my dreams at 30 but it's taken time to build our relationship and I can honestly say in spite of the hellish times we've had trying to conceive, we've become the most amazing partnership and had time to enjoy each other. ALL of my friends now have had babies and not one of them hasn't told me about how it dramatically changes your relationship with your partner. So enjoy being with your partner, learning how to be a totally unselfish partnership... (though your note makes you sound very confident and happy in yourself and with your partner which is super fab)...

The last thing I'd suggest, though I might be wrong as I'm yet to do it, all my friends have said a matter of a month or two makes a big difference in being able to hang out with pals with babies of varying ages. Most of them end up hanging out with their NCT pals whose babes are the exact same ages. So even if you were to become pregnant now, you're already at quite a different stage as your work pals, so maybe wise not to try playing catch up. There will be new pals to do the baby thing with :) Plus, it's all about your family unit being ready... friends will slot in but it's what they're slotting into that matters most.

Good luck with everything. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you :)

Thank you so much everyone who has replied. It's given me a lot of confidence to stay true to myself and trust that I'll know when the right time is. Whether that is next month or next year! I've loved reading all of your advice and it's definitely made me feel much happier and calmer about my situation! Thank you thank you! xx