Baby Shower Blues

[rockabyebaby1402]

Changed name since I'm on a few threads here. My partner and mum keep suggesting I have a baby shower but given the circumstances of my pregnancy I feel like everyone would judge me if I did. I'm 19, at university and fell pregnant to a 29 year old after only several months of knowing him (he's a lovely hard working man whose overly enthusiastic to be a dad, if a little surprised - he's really supportive and tells me a few hundred times a day that he loves me and that he thinks I'm amazing - the only thing is that because I'm a private person my family didn't even know he existed before the pregnancy as I live 2 hours away). I know unplanned pregnancies are common but I can't help feeling people think I'm an idiot for falling a pregnant in this day and age (in reality, a combination of study drugs apparently makes my birth control less effective). It's made worse that my mums second job other than being a midwife is advocating for safe sex to prevent unplanned pregnancies and STIs - the irony is horrible. I love shopping for baby stuff and getting organised and I'm not too scared about the actual prospect of being a mum as I did a lot of babysitting for newborns to toddlers in my teenage years so I know the sleepless nights to come, etc. I just don't feel like I should celebrate my pregnancy with a baby shower. Seeing certain friends and family members is hard enough as they give me the sympathetic head tilt and ask when I'm leaving university (I'm not) or other insensitive questions so why would I want them all in a room giving me sympathetic head tilts at the same time? On top of that I don't think many of my friends would attend as many of them seemed to have ditched me as they didn't know what to make of it all/don't know how to act around me now that I can't drink or smoke. The only "friends" who are of a mature enough age to understand it would be my partner's which would lead to even more pity. I would be the only person my age at the party basically which makes me even more embarrassed. I hate being the centre of attention in this way with people gossiping behind my back about me. I know there are people who would love to have their family and partners eager to throw a baby shower for them and I should be incredibly grateful I've got that love and support but celebrating just makes me want to burst out in tears at the thought and I don't know why. It's 2018 and I shouldn't feel ashamed but I do. I don't want to deprive my partner and mom of the opportunity to throw a baby shower for their first child/grandchild either but they just don't feel this huge lump that's sitting on my chest anytime people talk about celebrating. I felt I couldn't do the big gender reveal I would have loved because of my circumstances either and I am missing out on a lot of things that first time moms get to do. I haven't even posted anything on facebook about being pregnant despite entering into my third trimester on Sunday because I'm scared somebody will screenshot it and the gossip mills will start again (e.g "can you believe this girl is the same age as us and she's having a baby"). I know I shouldn't care what they think as I know they don't have anything better to do with their lives but it doesn't stop me feeling particularly vulnerable (maybe it's the hormones).

Wow, that was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be.

You are not in the 1900s. I know it's hard, but it really doesn't matter what other people think. You have decided to keep your baby, who you will love and be proud of when it's born so fuck them! Do you think you are also in shock at what's happened? It's a huge change for you compared to what you were expecting to be the immediate future. The chap sounds supportive, which is a great start. Maybe ask your Mum if you could just have a nice lunch or something, a less scary event.
When I got pregnant I was 24 and not expecting it, I freaked out in Blooming Marvellous when the woman tried to strap the stunt bump on me Proper tantrum, all totally down to me not adjusting.
I hope you are ok xx.

Do you know what? It sounds like you don't want to do one for many justified and unjustified reasons. And that is fine! You don't have to have one.

You also sound like you're going to be great and have no illusions about what you're getting into. I'd say that people, including your mum, can see that and have let go of the negatives where you haven't yet managed to. Don't be so hard on yourself!

In terms of missing out on stuff, a lot of people don't really enjoy pregnancy and the romance of gender reveals etc. for many reasons. I suspect you'll have future children and hopefully they will be planned so you can really enjoy those (not that important in reality) things again like baby showers and gender reveals and Facebook announcements.

Btw, as an old crone we didn't have baby showers etc and personally I am so glad as I definitely wouldn't have wanted all that fuss so can completely understand!

I think it might be hormones. Most people will think a wanted (even if unplanned) baby is to be celebrated but if it is making you stressed then it probably isn't a good idea. It is lovely that your mum and partner are so supportive. Good luck with it all.

If you don't want a baby shower, people should respect that and not give you one. I don't want one either (or any of those other things you posted) and I'm a lot older than you with a planned baby, so no eyebrows being raised at me. If you really don't want it, just say firmly that you don't, and you do not and will not appreciate it if they don't respect your feelings about this. Your mum doesn't have any "right" to your pregnancy milestones, particularly imported American ones that a lot of people aren't keen on anyway.

That said, give yourself a break and try to stop worrying about all that other stuff. You're happy, you sound like you have a decent grasp of what becoming a mother right now involves. Life is unpredictable, stuff happens, and if you'll pardon me saying so, part of getting older AND becoming a mother is learning what you personally care about and not to give a stuff about what other people think about it.

Mine was an unplanned pregnancy, although we were happy about it, but I'm an introvert and don't like the idea of being the centre of attention so specifically said I didn't want one. Didn't create any problems, I think people just spoilt baby more with gifts when she did arrive.

Congrats! For starters you sound like you're more prepared than a lot of people to become a mum. Forget about your age - the baby's dad is over the moon and you have a mum who cares about your new family.

Have you tried to explain how you're feeling to your mum and partner? Could you suggest something more low-key, like a nice meal out with the people who care and you feel close to? It's a chance to celebrate and mark the occasion without a huge show.

And as for Facebook - just don't bother with it at all. I've not put a word about my pregnancy on social media, because why should the world and people I'm not fussed about know about my personal life? If the people on there are already making you anxious then why bother with it at all? Do everything to make yourself happy, don't bow down to social pressure. This is such a special time :)

Baby showers are a recent American import - they're not at all standard in the UK (though becoming more popular I accept), but it's not like your mum and gran would have waited all their lives to throw you a baby shower - it's not an actual tradition here. And even if it was, that doesn't mean you have to go along with it if you don't want to. If they want to celebrate with you, you could just go out for lunch or afternoon tea?

FWIW I'm 30, baby very much planned, and I will not be having a baby shower, as I think they're quite tacky and I'm also superstitious about celebrating a baby before it's born, having had 3 miscarriages. I'd rather wait until the baby is safely here. I also haven't posted a single thing about it on Facebook - if people are important to me I've told them in person.

You sound very grounded and you don't need more stress in your life right now, so don't worry about what others think. Congrats on your pregnancy!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Please don't stress about this. Just don't have one! It's easy enough to avoid since it's not a tradition here. I would be more surprised to be invited to one than not - please don't think anyone will feel let down by you not having one.