Carry on hiding it, or tell my friend at her birthday dinner?

[pwinkston]

I have a friend I don't see very often, but I'm seeing her for her birthday dinner, with some other friends of ours, tomorrow night. Partner and I have decided to start telling people our news. But is she likely to feel I'm stealing her thunder if I tell her (and our other friends) on an occasion that's supposed to be for her?

She and I have been friends for a decade and I don't want to spoil her evening. But equally, I'm aware that given I won't be drinking (and they know we have been trying), they might guess anyway and it'll all come out awkwardly! What do you guys think?

I would wait until they suss it out by the no drinking, and keep it a low key, subtle admission!

Personally I'd let it come out when they notice you're not drinking, you're innocent then 🙂. I made the mistake of mentioning mine after DH's friends announced theirs and they were visibly put out (although to be fair it was someone else entirely whose birthday we were celebrating!)

Does she have any fertility issues that you know of?

I would phone her beforehand - then she knows, doesn't feel you're deliberately not telling her, and doesn't find out because someone else spots you're not drinking. You're also not stealing her thunder - win all round.

I agree with @SheepyFun - tell her beforehand.

i would not do it at her birthday dinner!

Agree with Shepy! And woooooo! Congrats!

Assuming she's normal sane and nice, and there are no fertility issues which could cause sensitivity, I would phone her and tell her beforehand. Explain you didn't want it to come out at her birthday dinner, and she gets to feel in on the secret before others know.

I’d ring her before too.

I would say something in a low key way, most people aren’t as surprised (or as excited) as they seem. It will only detract for a few minutes. Unless you are the type to then only talk about pregnancy.

My best friend was in a similar situation. In the end she rang me and asked my thoughts. I told her it was fine asni was just too excited (I knew the moment she fell pregnant!). We agreed to have some time talking babies and celebrating and then move the evening on. Worked out fine and I have good memories of that night. X

In a similar situation. Seeing a friend in afew weeks for a girlie weekend. We.love a drink so she will cotton on. She also is going thru 2nd round ivf. Im too chiclen tp tell her face to face. So think i shall ring her soonish.

@hisnamesblaine don't call, text or email. It's best that she is allowed to feel whatever she feels and isn't forced to give an instant response when (although she'll likely be happy for you) she won't be happy at the news. Give her time to process and get back to you. Congratulations

Just realised that isn't clear - don't call her. You should text or email.

Thanks everyone!

Unfortunately it's not really an option to call her beforehand - I wouldn't want to tell her before everyone else as that might make THEM feel weird.

She doesn't have any fertility issues, however I know she would like to try and conceive this year with her partner.

Any good friend would just be happy for you! It’s a birthday celebration- we all have them, it’s not that special. Surely the event is more about friends coming together and having a good time rather than just about the individual. Your news is exciting, you should tell them but afterwards allow the conversation to stray away from the subject as it naturally would so it’s not all about you. You’ll be fine :)

If she knew you were TTC then you can simply state you’re not drinking due to that

Don't upstage her birthday meal!

You have good reason to call her before - I am sure everyone else will understand. I wouldn’t think it not an option unless neither of you possesses a phone. Don’t derail her birthdays. You may not go on about it but others may - some people are right old bores on it.

Tell her before hand, even if the others are a bit 'miffed' that they haven't heard it 'at the same time' - sorry to sound uncaring but most people really aren't that interested, it would be really mean & totally unkind to 'upstage' the birthday meal.

I seriously think people overdo the 'big announcement' about being pregnant, and then everyone else has to 'overdo' the congratulations, when's it due, what names have you chosen etc etc etc. Boring.

Ring round key people before the dinner. Never mind who might feel weird - people probably care less about the order that they are told than you imagine.

Do not break the news at someone else's birthday do.

It won't make them feel weird. Call her and say 'I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I knew you would probably guess when you saw I wasn't drinking so you're one of the first to know that I'm pregnant. I don't want to steal your thunder at your birthday so we'll keep it very low-key.'

I would usually agree with Bobbie that a text or email can be the most sensitive option if the friend is struggling with infertility but there's no suggestion that friend won't be pleased to hear the news?

Telling her beforehand would be polite IMO

And a text rather than phone call is fine.

What Buxbaum said. No reason to upset other guests - just giving her a heads up and smoothing the way. To be honest if the other guests are offended I call that a bit odd.