How do you know if you want kids?

[user1494161156]

Hi all, apologies if this is a common question or if I've posted in the wrong area!

I am in my mid-20s and have a lovely new boyfriend. I guess I'm at the stage in life where "Do you want children?" is a serious consideration when starting a relationship. I have been sure since the age of about 17 that I don't want children. I don't want to offend anyone here, I'm just being honest: the sight of a bulging pregnant belly actually makes me shudder. Add to that the pain of labour, the sleep deprivation, the loss of free time and disposable income, etc...I've always said I don't understand why anyone wants children! I just can't picture myself being a mother.

On the other hand, so many people have assured me that in a few years I'll get this massive rush of hormones and suddenly become desperate for a baby. I do kind of assume that I'll have kids one day (I know this sounds illogical given that I just wrote that I can't picture myself as a mother) but I'm not sure if that's just because the majority of people do have kids and I'm "brainwashed by society" of whatever.

Added to this, my boyfriend has two young nephews. He is a few years older than me and definitely more pro-kids than me. The nephews are very sweet and it's lovely that they now recognise me, talk to me, etc. But they are completely hyperactive toddlers and I think if I had to take care of them for more than a day I would go insane!

Basically my question is: how do you tell if you want kids? Did you always know you wanted kids? Is there anyone here who was sure they didn't want kids and changed their mind with age? Thanks.

Growing up I always said that I didn't want children - I've never been that interested / good around babies or other peoples kids and not naturally a motherly person.

I wouldn't say I ever had that sudden desire to become a mum. However once married and settled, it just naturally seemed like the next step. I still don't particularly like other peoples kids haha but I knew I wanted my own.
Although we decided we wanted a family it was still scary when we agreed to start trying and the thought of bringing life into the world was initially very daunting. But after 4 years of trying for a baby, I now can not wait to meet my little girl. I feel so lucky and blessed to be pregnant.

I think for some people it changes with age or when they meet 'the one' and for some people it will never change and maybe kids aren't for you.

I felt exactly the same as you. DH really wanted kids but I was indifferent, I kinda figured we'd have them at some point but I was in no rush.

I'm 30 now and we've got a 4 week old DD. DH is an amazing father, he's a real natural and always wants to push her pram, feed her or play with her. I love DD to bits but it's been more of a struggle for me. I miss my sleep, my once black and white minimalist house is full of brightly coloured baby things, I miss just being able to nip out without dragging loads of baby stuff with me and I miss my job and my colleagues. I wouldn't change her for the world though, she's adorable and it melts my heart when she stares at me with her big eyes. I still wouldn't say I'm very maternal but we get by.

You've got a few years to think about it yet before the clock starts ticking

I just knew, I know that sounds daft. I met DH at 18 and until then I'd not really though about it much, but quite early on we discussed and both knew we would have kids together at some point. Now I'm 24 and pregnant with our first. I've always loved children though and so has DH - I'm the eldest on my side of the family so been around smaller children and babies, and my DM has a degree in childcare and used to work as a nursery nurse so that probably rubbed off on me too.

I do think if you know you want them, you know you want them though. If you don't know I think that means you don't want them, and that's absolutely fine. However obviously just because you don't want kids now doesn't mean you never will. I don't think you can predict whether you will change your mind though and I'd be honest about that to prospective partners.

Ooh this is an interesting question. For me I was always pretty confused about whether I wanted kids. I grew up assuming I should have them just because that's what people do. However in my mid to late twenties I became adamant that I didn't. I don't really like children tbh, I don't find them particularly interesting or cute, I don't find the lifestyle of having a kid very appealing. Although I think that came from the friends I have/had with kids who basically spend a lot of time sat watching tv on their phones and having the occasional coffee morning for the kids to play. I'm not trying to insult anyone, it's just thats not what I want from my life.
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Add to that the fact that I felt the same about pregnant bellies, and the idea of having a baby inside made me feel.claustrophobic to the point I felt panicky.

Fast forward and I am now 31 and a week overdue my first baby. It wasn't planned, but it happened and my fiancee and I were scared but overall happy. I'm kind of terrified, any day now a tiny human will be here who I have to look after. I don't know if my ramble is helpful at all, but I never really knew what I wanted, and the situation presented itself. I have coped with pregnancy surprisingly well, and stuff that repulsed me before (eg. Seeing a limb stick out of my stomach) isn't as bad as it seemed. Also, I realised it's up to me what sort of mother I will be. I don't have to be a coffee morning mum, I can take my kid wherever I want, and I can still do the things I want to do, like travel, it'll just take a bit more organisation.

You have so much time left to think about this. But please please, whatever you eventually decide, base it on what you really want. There's so many people who talk down to women who dont want kids, suggesting there's something wrong with them, or that they aren't "proper women". It's all bull. Do what makes YOU happy

Personally I’ve always wanted children and am due my first in just over 4 weeks but I know many people that have never wanted them and are now early to late 30s and very happy with the decision they made.

It’s all about personal choice and how you want to live your life and I don’t think anyone can advise you on what to choose.
Whatever you do choose, make sure it’s the right decision for you and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Xx

I always knew I wanted kids but didn’t give much thought to the effect it would have on my body (or financial effect once I had to give up work) but I fell pregnant unexpectedly when I was 19 and there was no doubt that I wanted this child. It was hard work and the relationship didn’t work out so I had to go it alone but I do not regret it one bit. Labour hurt (but I did it all over again about 6 years later so can’t have been that bad!!) and my body never really recovered but I’ve learnt to accept the changes in my body and can don’t look that bad in clothes it’s just naked in a bit ehhhh about. DH doesn’t care though so nor do I these days. Having kids is fine as long as you are realistic about how it will change your life. It isn’t all tantrums and sick. It can be very rewarding and I can tell you now, you can have 12 hours of crying and mess but 5 mins of cuddles and smiles totally make up for it.

I felt very similar to you I was terrified of the pain of giving birth and I was worried I would be able to cope with that (but in my experiences was nowhere near as bad as I had imagined). I found it hard to cope listening to a screaming baby in a public place (even when I was pregnant).
The thought of poopy nappies, baby sick didn’t impress me.
But in my early 30’s I met the right man saw how he was playing with a friends daughter something just clicked in me.
You never really know the answer to this but you can’t compromise on it either. I still wasn’t sure as I didn’t know if I would make a good enough Mum. We decided to go ahead and I love my two to bits. We didn’t get pregnant easily which made me want them more. You probably have a godly while to decide at your age.

I never wanted children, but DH did, and I wanted him to be happy. I enjoyed my youth and freedom and waited as late as possible (38) to have a baby. I have zero maternal instinct and cried when I found out I was pregnant. Pregnancy has been miserable and I'm devastated by my stretch marks. But I'm pushing 40 and wasn't going to be young and attractive forever anyway! And our social life was already slowing down due to being older. So I suppose I find the necessary sacrifices more acceptable at my age.

I HATE other people's children but I've realised it's because I don't like their parenting style. I don't want my stylish house filled with coloured plastic rubbish so I chose wooden toys and monochrome clothing. It's perfectly possible to sit your child at a table to eat and not be one of those mums who lets them eat while crawling around and putting dirty hands on everything. You don't have to be fat or go to baby groups. The idea of socialising with "other mums" still strikes fear into my heart but I don't have to do it. I suppose it's about realising you can be whatever type of mother you want to be.

I never had a change of heart or a rush of hormones that made me want children. My baby is due any day now and I still don't want to be a stereotypical "mum". But I'm happy to continue being myself with a little friend in tow. Being pregnant and talking to my baby and feeling him move has mellowed my feelings. He's going to be similar to me and DH so we're bound to get on.

If you've been sure for years that you don't want children then you don't need to try and justify it to yourself. It's not compulsory to have children, and it's fine to decide not to. As long as your boyfriend knows and is aware that's your view, and isn't hoping that you'll eventually change your mind.

One thing about your thoughts around pregnancy/childbirth/parenthood - you only seem aware of the potential negatives and you don't seem to have weighed those up against the positives. Perhaps you don't see any positives to having your own children, but you haven't mentioned anything about that at all. Also, a pregnant body isn't forever, the pain of labour/birth is temporary, sleep deprivation isn't permanent or guaranteed. For some, these are something to put up with in order to have the benefits/positives of children.

I'm similar to the first response by Forever.

Re the pain of labour - I feel completely empowered by what my body did in growing and birthing a person. I'm 2 dress sizes bigger 12 months after birth and yet have never felt so confident. All the things I used to worry about seem totally irrelevant and I'm much better at staying calm when things don't go to plan.

The final clincher for me was imagining life at 60 without kids. I didn't want that so I had to at least try.

I never had the desire to have children. No maternal instinct whatsoever that I knew of and I didn't like kids. I got pregnant. I had the baby and I fell madly head over heels in love with her. I had one, so thought "in for a penny" and gave her a sibling. When I was pregnant with my son, I couldn't imagine loving the second one as much. I discovered love multiplies, it's not divided.

My children are 24 and 21 now. Is parenthood easy? No. It's bloody hard, it's often physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting, it's expensive. Would I do it all over again? In. A. Heartbeat.

i feel the exact same way you do. i never, ever want to be pregnant. i think id like to adopt though, i dont think id need my kids to have my DNA. people love their pets like children and theyre different species

I always wanted kids and am so happy to have some - one of my close friends didn't want kids, now nearly 40 and hasn't had them, and is very happy, she and her husband have careers that are very demanding but not very well paid, and have done lots of travel, they never could have pursued these dreams with kids. Her husband got a vasectomy a few years ago and she said she has never changed her feelings, occasionally she wonders about being old and alone, but that happens to plenty of people with kids anyway, and she has lots of close friends.

As you know already, having kids can be incredibly fulfilling but is also very demanding - the world is already pretty overpopulated, there is no need to have kids unless you really want them!
That said, plenty of people change their mind and there is no rush - so long as you are clear with your partner on what you want, so he gets to make his own decision.