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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Boyfriend freaking out after finding out I'm pregnant

25 replies

Gingergrace · 15/01/2018 19:13

Hi all,
This is my first time using mumsnet, so I'm hoping someone can help. I've seen comments on similar threads but I'd like a perspective on my own situation.

I'm 20 and my partner is 21, we've only been together half a year but have a very intense relationship and we live together (we have a very very good relationship usually and are totally in sync and happy).
I found out I was 2 months pregnant a few weeks ago, and told him about it. His initial reaction was shock and he cried, and then he was extremely happy and has been very happy since. A couple days ago we had an argument and he ended up saying he's not sure if he wants to be with me, when literally a few days ago we were planning everything, even he said he's only felt this way for a day or so.
He said he loves me and does want to be with me, but doesn't know if he wants to be single, more.
He's gone away for some space and to clear his head. He's still excited about the baby, but doesn't really seem like himself, all while still being himself with me physically, and being supportive, but it doesn't feel like he's mentally there. I personally think it's that it's been such a short amount of time, we're so young and it's all hitting him at once and he's not coping well with it all, but I'd like to hear any outsiders opinions. All our friends have said they can see he's in love with me, as I am him, but it's all just hitting him hard right now.
If anyone can lend a hand that would be perfect and I'd really appreciate it

FYI, I haven't had a scan yet but it is due in a couple weeks.

Thanks so much in advance x

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2018 19:40

How pregnant are you now?

It sounds like you might need to get prepared to be a single mother. Has that factored in to your decision about what to do about the pregnancy? People who are properly committed don’t usually say they don’t know if they’d rather be single.

cherryontopp · 15/01/2018 23:05

So you've been together 6 months and are 2 month pregnant, at the age of 20 and 21?

Good luck is all i can say. Hes freaking out and should be.

AnUtterIdiot · 15/01/2018 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulaballoo · 16/01/2018 13:27

He may well need a bit of time to process everything. It's life changing for both of you. I would just try and talk and talk and be really open... Not only about planning the future but your fears and worries and his fears and worries... Perhaps he needs to talk to a close friend about it that he can trust or a parent... Same for you. It's a big thing to manage so you both could use some support and someone to talk to aside from reach other.... Have you got a close family member or friend and same for him that you could talk to?

Original poster

Gingergrace · 16/01/2018 13:52

Thankyou for all your responses. I appreciate seeing the responses from all angles. Everyone close to us I've spoken to to has said they are sure he will come back once he's had his time to process everything, which I really think too. I know this is massive for the short time we've been together and whatnot. So as an impatient person, im exercising myself a little and taking a proper step back. He's gone to see his family and friends to talk them and think on his own, and I'm doing the same. I'll keep this updated but if anyone else has any perspectives I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!x

OP posts:

MuseumOfCurry · 16/01/2018 13:59

I'd be freaking out if I were your boyfriend too.

I think you're setting yourself up for a difficult situation.

titchy · 16/01/2018 14:46

I expect you're super-excited because you're young and in love and want the whole 'we're a family now and will be happily together forever' thing.

The reality, I'm afraid, is that at some point, assuming you continue the pregnancy - remember you have a choice - is that you'll spend the majority of the next 20 years as a single parent.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you need to get back down to earth and face reality rather than a lovely fantasy. Then if he does come back, great, but if not then you're prepared.

Angharad07 · 17/01/2018 01:31

To be honest, I find his reaction somewhat unforgivable and a symptom of how our society allow men to get away with this sort of behaviour because it’s “scary for him”.

It is you who is pregnant and the most vulnerable and thus needs the most support. It’s just very convenient that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship now when everything was fine before, don’t you think?

Don’t let people cloud over your feelings in order to try and get you to accept his bad behaviour because it’s easier than admitting that, in fact, he’s being horrifically selfish and unkind to you. Don’t put up with it, don’t give him time. Tell him to stay or stay out because, believe me, once you hand the strings over to him he will play you forever more. Now is not a time for nonsense, especially not from him.

Be strong and as cold as a stone when you give him the ultimatum. You deserve better, if he’s hurt you then cry later but act now.

KimmySchmidt1 · 17/01/2018 04:29

Obviously getting pregnant was unplanned and a mistake, so it has disrupted his plans for the future and may well not be what he would have asked to happen. If you had asked him if he wanted to try for a baby before you got pregnant would he have said yes?

Let’s not be lying to ourselves about the foundation for this baby - it’s important to be realistic and honest with yourself.

Given this background and his v try young age he is no doubt going to find it all very hard. His feelings for you may be mixed up with feelings of duty as well as embarrassment for getting a girlfriend pregnant in unplanned cirxumstances. He may well also be very anxious about money - has he got a really good job, or is this going to be a big strain on your finances?

I can’t advise you on how he feels about you, but I can advise you to be realistic about the situation you and he are in. And to adjust your expectations of him accordingly.

CluelessMummy · 17/01/2018 05:16

By leaving you in that situation alone - even if it is just a temporary measure - is falling at the first hurdle IMO. By all means, freak out - but run off altogether? You should be talking this through as a team.

You are both so young and have not been together very long, but neither of those things should matter if you are in the same place when it comes to your commitment to each other, and his seems to be wobbling a bit.

Forget him for a moment - what do YOU want?? Do YOU want to be a parent? There will be plenty of people who'll tell you their partners wobbled at the news of a pregnancy but went on to be great parents. That could happen, or it might not. In which case - if you do want to be a Mum - you need to be prepared to go it alone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2018 05:30

If you found out you were two months pregnant a few weeks ago, how long had you been together when you got pregnant? Because you are very young and it's a very short relationship.

Which means you have to be aware that the chances of you being together long term are very very low. So make good decisions for yourself, and your baby if you decide to go ahead. Don't factor him in. If he steps up; great. But don't base serious decisions about your future on it.

Angharad07 · 17/01/2018 16:27

I’m 20 years old (bf 23) 8 weeks pregnant and have only been in a relationship for 9 months. So a similar situation to you.

From my point of view, if my boyfriend, whom I love dearly, did that to me then I would be in bits. However, I would not be overly forgiving towards his feelings as everyone is here. I’d rather be single. He’s young but so are you. You deserve better and I hope things get better for you. In fact, I’m certain they will. Even if things don’t work out with him you’ll have a beautiful baby in a few months and you won’t ever look back.

RaingodsWithZippos · 17/01/2018 17:05

I was in your position 18 years ago, only I had only been with my boyfriend for 3 months and he was 42 and a single parent with two teenage dc from his first marriage that had ended in divorce 10 years previously when his exW left him for another man. We had fallen hard for each other and I moved in with him almost straight away, but a baby wasn't in either of our plans. I was scared to tell him because I thought it was the end of the relationship - I thought he would want me to have a termination and I didn't think I could do it, having had one previously. Luckily he reacted really well and although he was shocked, he was positive about the pregnancy and once he had got his head round it, was excited.

I was 20 and whilst I loved him, was worried that it was just infatuation and we wouldn't survive having a baby. We celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary soon and love each other even more. Our DS is brilliant and I can't imagine life without him, and our relationship with DH's dc is great. But I can see how it could have gone very differently, and your boyfriend is probably in shock.

Original poster

Gingergrace · 17/01/2018 17:52

Once again, thankyou for all your responses. I'm going to be having a proper chat with him soon about everything, and we will try to sort this all out properly. I've taken into account everything everyone has said, and it's put everything into perspective as well as given me more courage. So thankyou once again, it's kind of you all to share your stories being both positive and negative. X

OP posts:

MidnightExpress1 · 17/01/2018 18:00

I’m going to be honest with you here I was you, same age in my final year of university . I thought everything would be fine completely naive. Ex left three weeks after ds 1st Birthday and I was a single mother and didn’t complete university. I gave up everything where as him not so much. I was far too young and inexperienced with life. I would have not got myself in the situation if I could go back. It’s not going to be the ending your hoping it to be. I wish someone had been more honest and as blunt with me at the time.

MidnightExpress1 · 17/01/2018 18:08

I also found myself with false hope of the family happy ever after when people who share there stories of how they made it often or not it’s not the case at all. It’s easy to romance things when the reality of it is completely different. His reaction says it all.

harrietm87 · 17/01/2018 19:22

Are you prepared to be a single mum? If yes, then go ahead and have the baby, it might work out with him and he might come round, it might not.

But if you're not prepared to do it alone then don't have the baby. You can't rely on him to step up and you don't want to keep it on false promises/false hope that you can play happy families with this guy.

You're both so young, hardly know each other, this pregnancy was unplanned. It's not the best foundation for bringing a child into the world but that doesn't matter if that's what you really want.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2018 19:31

What do you mean by 'an intense relationship?' Do you mean 'fast moving?'

Original poster

Gingergrace · 17/01/2018 21:22

By fast moving yes, I guess I mean we fell hard, and quick, and in a short time we've gotten very close. But he and I have spoken a lot today, and things are going good. As I said, we're going to speak soon and see how things go, so obviously fingers crossed, but as others have said above I am prepared to go this alone should I have too.

OP posts:

goose1964 · 17/01/2018 21:28

I was in a similar situation when I was pregnant with my first only I was 24 and he was 33. It was a shock for both of us. We got married and will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary this year.

I can understand he needs to get his head around it but a good future for you all will only happen if he comes back because he wants to not because he feels he should.

MuseumOfCurry · 17/01/2018 21:53

I feel obliged to pour cold water on this situation for your benefit.

Your relationship with this fellow is almost certainly not going to work. The odds are stacked against you.

Your future relationships are going to be governed by your child. You will meet nice guys who will quite reasonably feel that they want to be with someone who doesn't have children. You will find raising a child alone difficult beyond measure, isolating, exhausting, and your career and finances will suffer.

Please go into this with your eyes open. It is not an easy road.

Good luck.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2018 21:59

You will meet nice guys who will quite reasonably feel that they want to be with someone who doesn't have children.
?????????

luxed · 17/01/2018 22:39

It's normal for people to freak when they find out they are going to become parents, planned or not. It's not only dads to be who feel this way, I bet you are trying to come to terms with this to, his reaction isn't helping anyone. Typical selfish man. He will get there in his own time and way. You are going to do this with or without him, your priorities have changed, he isn't number 1 in your life anymore. Men young and old can struggle with this. You should be doing this together, he did help conceive! Maybe he just isn't mature enough to handle the consequences at this moment. It sounds like reality has just hit him.

You will be fine with or without him. Congratulations and good luck with your baby, enjoy every moment. Don't let anyone tarnish this precious time. One day you will struggle to remember life before your little one was born. They will be your world.

MidnightExpress1 · 18/01/2018 08:32

Musuem of curry summed it up you like me not wanting to admit that it’s highly possible it will go wrong which the likelyhood it will be listen to those who share their rare stories of it working out. I did and I’m here saying it wasn’t the case at all.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/01/2018 08:51

You will meet nice guys who will quite reasonably feel that they want to be with someone who doesn't have children.
?????????

Unfortunately, what Curry says is true.

I would've run a mile from a man with a child in my early 20s. And much later than that too, I'm afraid.

Most young men will, also.

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