pregnant in first year of university.

[ruby97]

Hi, I am really looking for a bit of advice.

Last week I found out I was over three weeks pregnant. This was a complete shock. When I told my partner (who I have been going out with for 2 years now), he said he would support me in whatever decision I make. My mum said the exact same. However, I could tell both of them (and me too) agreed it just wasn't the right time. I thought I had made my decision - to get an abortion but I am starting to doubt it. I have been in a deep state of depression since deciding this. I am constantly crying, barely eating and I didn't move from my bed until I had to work.

The reason I thought abortion was the right choice was due to my current circumstances. I am only 20 years old, I live with my mum and I'm in my first year of studying law at university. My mum thinks if I chose to keep the baby, I wouldn't go back to finish university as it would be really difficult.

I have an appointment for a consultation but it's not till the 24th of January (such a long time to wait). I think I will be about 6 weeks by then and I am already experiencing early pregnancy symptoms which is a constant reminder of the decision I am making.

I keep saying the decision is made but I really don't know.This is breaking my heart as I always told myself I would never get an abortion. I am not against it in principle but I just never believed that I (personally) could go through with it. I just want a little advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation at one point. I 100% know it is my decision but some advice would be appreciated.

I know this is a really difficult topic so only comment if you feel you can. I am really struggling and need some supportive advice.

Been there done that. Had 4 weeks off only and finished my degree - my son is now 20. I also worked in my part time job right up until the week before I have birth and in fact wrote my highest scored essay the night before I went into labour. I was lucky as I was well supported by my family.

There is never a perfect time to have a child and you need to be fully committed to whatever choice you make.

It's a tough choice, but you should make the choice you want, and not what others think you should do. I was pregnant in my third year of uni, handing in my dissertation a few days after giving birth. It wasn't easy, but there were other women at my uni who juggled their courses with childcare.

I am guessing your due date would be in September? It might make going into your second year difficult, as you'd have a baby that might be too small for nursery. Would your mum or other family members be able to help? You'd possibly get help with childcare once they're old enough for nursery. What's your schedule like? I know many humanities degrees are only a few hours teaching, so you would need to fit in your studying. It certainly wouldn't be easy, but I'm sure you'd find a way if you wanted to.

Forgot to say, you should also visit student support, as they'll be able to help with practical stuff, and you probably need to inform the uni.

No advice but my thoughts are with you 🌻

You should ask to be referred for impartial counselling to help you decide what’s best for you.

Good luck

Sending you lots of positive thoughts, OP.

its great that you have a supportive partner and family, and you have plenty of time to make your mind up.

There is absolutely no shame in having an abortion - the foetus is literally a microscopic clump of cells, and your body is entirely your own to make decisions about. If you don't feel ready to be a mother this option will be the end of the matter and will allow you to continue with the life you currently have.

That said, you also shouldn't feel at all compelled to have an abortion if you don't want to. You can make having a baby work - you can speak to your uni about what support is on offer, and while the timing might not be perfect that doesn't mean you can't be happy and successful.

Whatever you decide please be kind to yourself and remember that these things happen and you shouldn't be ashamed or judge yourself harshly xxxx

Thank you everyone who has commented, I really appreciate it.

My due date would be September/October when I go into second year. My timetable for next year is really full on so I think I would have to defer if I was to keep the baby.

I only work part time alongside uni. My partner only works part time too and is at uni but he finishes his masters degree in August so he would probably be in full time work shortly after the due date.

Such great advice already but I agree, both options are very much there and good options if right for you.

X have strength OP. You will come to the right conclusion. X

I was 25 when I had my first, and was in my first year of a new job in a different country! I had six weeks off after he was born, and my mum flew out to help me.

If your mum can do what mine did, you could carry on at university. If she can't, you could take time out and return to your degree later.

You might regret an abortion and think about it for a long time. You might get over it quickly. You might regret having the child. You might wonder how you could ever have considered missing out on him/her.

Use the time before your consultation to work out what will be best for you in the long term.

You have to make whatever decision is best for you, and one that you can live with - if you're not truly comfortable with the idea of an abortion, then you have to give that some serious thought; but if abortion is the right choice for you at this stage in life then that's totally understandable too and you have to make sure you're happy with that choice.

I've never been through anything like this personally, but the only thing I can say is that there's never a good time to have a baby - you'll always have work / studying / life to juggle with looking after your baby, whatever stage of life you're at. I've just finished a part time Masters degree through evening classes - one of the girls in my class was pregnant throughout the second year of the course, and very heavily pregnant during the final exams, she also had a full time job on top of the part time degree. Throughout my time studying I also saw plenty of people coming on to the campus to submit coursework with their children in tow - so I don't think it's uncommon, although I'm not saying it's easy!

It sounds like your family and partner are really supportive which is great - could you finish your first year of studying, take a semester / year out to have the baby, then go back to continue your course with childcare in place and / or support from your family and partner? You'll only drop out and never go back to studying if you let yourself believe it's too hard - with some support it's absolutely doable and you CAN do it.

As I say though, at the end of the day you have to make the decision that's right for you - just make sure you think about all your options, and maybe talk it through with your partner / mum if you feel you can. Good luck.

Universities can be great at accomodating you having a baby, letting you defer, and making allowances whilst you are pregnant (extended deadlines if you are having a difficult pregnancy etc). In some ways in can be easier to navigate than an employer and taking mat leave from a job, although that probably depends on the particular job/university in question.

There is also likely to be a university nursery which can make returning to your course a lot easier. Perhaps after deferring a year so that it was a one year old going into nursery. Worth checking out?

I would really worry about you regretting the decision later if this is an otherwise wanted baby, and you just have university logistics to work around.

Having a baby at Uni is one thing. Having a baby and wanting to pursue a career in law is another.

What sort of legal career were you planning? If any. Perhaps you're doing law without intending to become a lawyer at all.

But if you are, you should think about how you would handle an infant and a training contract/pupillage and the early years of practice.

For example in my pupillage in the public sector I would have really struggled for about six months (first six seconded to the private sector) without a really comprehensive support network due to the hours and intensity. But after that the hours weren't too bad, but I had to be full time for at least a couple of years and the money was rubbish and I had to survive on it in London. So you'd need your partner to earn a fair bit AND do a lot of childcare.

If you want to go to a big city firm the hours are horrific for years, but they do pay better. So you'd rarely see your child but you'd be contributing to childcare costs.

This is why most of my lawyer friends have waited til their mid thirties to have kids, because at this point our careers are established enough to go part time/call the shots a bit more.

You could of course put off training contract for a couple of years, but you'd want to find out how firms feel about that. Plus I think there is an expiry date on the LPC and BPTC of around five years.

So in addition to thinking about how you might have a baby and finish Uni, you need to think about how you might have a child and pursue your career.

It is completely your choice and there is no shame in having an abortion. I will say however i had a baby in my second year of uni. I did go back after a few weeks but found it too difficult and so took a year out. I did go back and complete with my degree and actually did better in my 3rd year. There is support there for mothers completely degrees. However you do also need to look at starting your career with a small child as well.

I would get some impartial counselling first and take some time and then decide what you want to do. You are only a few weeks pregnant so do have some time to decide.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Really think it through before making any decisions. Of course there's no wrong decision.

Unis are really good and you can defer a year then go back, lots of people do it. Also there's the option of the Open University which I'm doing my degree with. I don't know much about the law degree as I'm doing psychology but you study from home and you can transfer your current years credits.

Hope you work everything out.

I did my law degree, LPC and training contract with my son in tow. It's hard for sure but you'll manage it.

I was at uni with a girl who had come back to complete her degree after having a baby. She did fine. She did have a partner, so that helped as he was able to support her both practically and financially.

Sorry OP, I didn't read through your entire post so I hope my previous post wasn't too blasé. I had my son at 18. For me personally, I decided against an abortion and chose to have him (I honestly don't think I was old enough or sensible enough to think of and understand the consequences of having a child whilst still a child). It was hard work and I did sometimes wish I didn't have the responsibility I had. But, I was lucky to have the support of my mum and a pretty well behaved son who had a Mum who was growing up as he was.

If you choose to have the baby, your life will be different to how you imagined it but it's not necessarily bad different. It's a really hard decision to make and you should make it totally with your feelings in mind.

I got pregnant during my law conversion course, aged 23. I had a training contract already lined up at a big city firm and knew I'd never cope with the career and the baby. I had an abortion and have never regretted it. I'm still with the father of that baby who is now my husband, and at aged 30 I've now been qualified 4 years, we have a house and are financially (and mentally and emotionally!)! ready to have our baby which is due in April.

I'm sure I would have coped if I'd had it back then but I'm now in a position where I get a great maternity package and have established myself in my job etc etc. Just to give you an alternative view, not everyone who has an abortion regrets it. You can only do what's right for you at the time. Good luck.

I have been there. However I don’t have supportive parents and I knew it was abortion for me. I never regretted it. It was the best choice I have made. I am Facebook friend of the BF so I know what his life has turned out. He travelled all the time for work, divorced, and dating girlfriends 20 years younger than us, and has a daughter he barely sees. Whenever he showed pictures of his daughter, it was on holiday with a girlfriend, and always have the girlfriend between him and his daughter!

I have a great career, a lovely DH who supports my career by taking 1/2 the childcare and housework, and two lovely DC. I won’t be here today 20 odd years later if I had that child in my university years.

My story is simply another perspective. Both choices are valid. There is simply no right and wrong answer to this. No one can see ahead and ask our future selfs what choices would they have made.

If abortion is the best choice for you then there is no shame in choosing that option.
I was in a similar position a few years ago. I got pregnant in my first term of first year at a university 2 hours away from home. I was terrified and everybody told me I was stupid to think about keeping the baby. But I did keep her. I dropped out of that uni and immediately applied for one closer to home. My DD was born and she is the absolute best thing that has ever, ever happened to me. And despite what they said, my whole family adore her. I managed to study, even go on Erasmus, and graduated last year. I had a lot of support though. For me it was the best decision, and now I have a happy, clever little 5 yo. If it won't work out for you though, don't feel as though you have to continue with the pregnancy.

One thing you should think about as well is if how you would cope if you had a disabled child/a child with SEN, or if you had significant pregnancy-related sickness. I think it's much different to think about how you could cope with a straight-forward pregnancy whilst a student, because you could keep at uni practically until your due date, and then give birth to a healthy child, maybe take one year out mat leave and return and the child could easily go to nursery etc. However that might not be possible if you're very sick during pregnancy or you have a child with significant additional needs. I'm not trying to put a downer on things but it's just something to think about. I'm 18 weeks pregnant now and still suffering with the tail-end of hyperemesis, I was signed off work for about 10 weeks and there's no way I would have been able to study during that time (I've recently graduated, so I know). If that had happened in the middle of my degree I likely would have done poorly as it would be impossible to catch up all that time and content up, or I'd be forced to take another year out just to be pregnant , which could easily mean taking 2 years out of your degree - not possible, but most universities have a general limit of 2 years in suspense, so then if anything happened after that period, you could be forced to terminate your studies.

Just something to think about because I think whilst lots of people fly through pregnancy and can cope with work and studying throughout, equally some women are unlucky and do not, and I think you should think about whether you would be able to manage should you have a very difficult pregnancy not just a very 'easy' one.

Not impossible that should say!

I'm currently in my 4th year of uni and I'm 39+5 and about to pop any minute!

I felt really torn at first but, like you, knew I could never go ahead with an abortion and have had amazing support from my parents, boyfriend and friends. I think that you should do what you feel is right and best for you, it sounds like you have great support in place if you do decide to terminate and you still have so much time after your degree to start a family.

If you're not 100% sure though, I would definitely take some more time to think if possible. Of course having a baby at uni is hard, I missed a lot of my last classes before Xmas from sickness etc and the social aspect has definitely been hard! I also have no doubt that when this baby does arrive it'll be tough, but there's no reason it should be impossible. Admittedly I haven't had much support from my course leaders (due to being in 4th year they think I'm mad!) but I've coped till now and I'm determined to make it work, not only for me but to create a better life for my child.

The decision is totally yours to make though and if a termination is what's best for you just now, then it's what's best for you. There are so many options though and you could take a few months break from classes/defer a year if you felt you needed to (I've also done this, but due to stress).

Not sure if this is much help, but just wanted to share my experience up till now! It's a scary situation to be in so please feel free to message me if you need to chat about anything as well. There's been so many people in a similar situation and it's all worked out whatever decision was made so it's really what you feel is best for you and what you can manage xx

Hi all, sorry I'm late to post!! I have experienced it from the other side....I went into my third year of uni having found out I was pregnant and it would have been due at the same time as my final exams. I made the hardest decision to have the abortion....although I regret getting pregnant (long story, doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant naturally and I went off the rails a bit), I don't ever regret having the abortion as for me, it was by far the best thing to do. I now have one child, pregnant with my second and have a really successful career - could I have done that with a 17 yr old? No, I highly doubt it. You need to do what's right for you and I just wanted to add a bit of balance that actually you don't have to sacrifice everything for one accident. Take care OP