MOTHER IN LAWS!!!!

[emilyjayne1990]

Can I just have a rant about my mother in law?! She really upset me with a comment made yesterday. It’s not the first time either. I had a very traumatic birth with my first born and I’m absolutely terrified of giving birth ‘naturally’ again. My first definitely was not natural. It resulted in a doctor, 4 midwifes, the suction cup thing (sorry! I never remember what it’s called) then finally forceps. They had to cut me and I tore 🤢 can I just point out I’m a very tiny size 6 and had a 7lb 6oz baby...they were expecting me to have a small baby...
So this time around I’m opting for an elective c section, it’s not set in stone yet but I’ve been told if I want one it’s very likely I can have one after last time. I’m seeing my consultant next month to discuss.
Anyway! Yesterday, she comes out with ‘oh you’re not still having one of them are you’ she seems to think because she was fine with her 2nd child, mine will also just ‘fly out’ (her words) she also had a forceps delivery with her first baby...then a normal birth with her 2nd.
It upset me when she said it and I tried to argue my point...I’m terrified of that happening again, I’ve done a lot of research on it. I don’t want problems later on in life if I have to have forceps again. But last night when I thought about it again, it made me really angry and upset. It’s really grated on me all day.
Is it not my body, my baby and my decision of how I deliver? She kind of looked down on me because of it, like I don’t realise what a major thing it is to have. But of corse I do, I’m not stupid. But I’d rather have an elective one than an emergency one and another traumatic birth.
I also really struggled last time after my birth with bonding, I don’t think I’ve really realised that until recently.
She also looked down on me because I’m not breastfeeding...but that’s another story!
Sorry for the long post, but who do these people think they are!? Anyone else who wants to have a good old rant, feel free!

I had a traumatic first birth then an ELCS with my second, best decision I ever made!

Just ignore MIL. It's your body and your birth.

Ignore ignore! You get a baby whichever way he/she comes out so who cares? It's none of her business really IMO! I'm having ELCS due to pre-existing condition and have had all the 'too posh to push' crap (not from MIL to be fair though). I would like to have a small rant that we have asked her and DH's Dad to help one day a month with childcare after I go back to work and they have refused because they don't want to be 'tied down'

When they invite you Man say you don't want to be tied down to visiting people...

If that’s all she said you really could do with growing a thicker skin. If a section is the right decision then have the confidence to own it and stop falling apart as soon as anyone questions it. You’re an adult.

Haha fig good idea! We actually thought we were doing something nice for them to be fair because all DHs brothers and there other grandchildren live about 4 hours drive away (we live about 45 mins) and DMIL moans that she never sees the other grandkids! Also it would obv be helpful for us too. Ah well can't win!

Wow I didn't realise I'm an adult...thanks for that....🤔
Definitely didn't post for negative comments telling me to get a thicker skin but thank you for that anyway...some people are just a little sensitive...especially when pregnant..like myself!

It's not you with the issue OP! Donny's comment totally uncalled for - she's likely the sort of person who makes the sort of comments your MIL made. Your MIL should respect what is an informed and very personal decision.

I'm scared of similar from my MIL, haven't told her yet...

@Heregoeseverything thanks for that! 🙂

Good luck telling yours....I wish I'd not bothered saying anything to mine!!! If it was my Mum saying it I might listen but my mum is totally supportive!

Yes, to be honest I would avoid telling her if I could (I'm not telling certain opinionated more distant relatives) but she is likely to be at the hospital or on the scene soon after birth so will definitely know then and will likely feel it's been kept from her if she's not told before!

😂😂😂 welcome to MN Op. you certainly will need a thicker skin if you’re planning to stick around here.

You need a short sharp sentence that shuts her down.

'Thanks for your input mil but I'll be making a decision based on my doctors advice'

In the grand scheme of things it only matters that they come out safely for you and the baby.

Ps my mil sticks her beak into everything. My sil had 2 elective c sections and didn't breastfeed..... mil was livid. Sil has 2 perfectly healthy kids 10 and 12.

I have no idea why they feel the need to impart their 'vast outdated' opinions

Your body, your call on what happens to it! Ignore her!
I've had two C sections and feel very pleased about it!
Never breastfed either!
No-ones ever said I word to me!
Mind you if you met me, you'd understand why.
Also ignore any dick type comments in here. Most wouldn't dare say it to anyone's face, they're just little key board creeps.

Second + births are usually MUCH quicker and easier, but if you want a c section then have one! Loads do. And who cares? if this reduces your anxiety and makes your experience better and less stressful then ignore her. It doesn’t matter how the baby comes out as long as they come out safely for mother and baby

Is it possible that she’s just giving her (albeit unwanted) opinion and that you’re making into something that it isn’t? As you say you’re feeling sensitive.

It’s just that it doesn’t sound like she’s looking down on you, more just telling you her experience.

FWIW I had an horrendous first birth, I still couldn’t sit down 3 months later and found only kneel on the floor. I have to had further corrective surgery etc so I feel your pain.

Also FWIW I had a c section second time around (it was twins) and it was a breeze. Up and about in no time.

Your decision isn’t wrong but just don’t be too sensitive as it doesn’t sound like she’s done much wrong.

It was more the way she looked and said it...then tried to insist I'll be absolutely fine without one. It was as if she was telling me to not have one because she thinks I shouldn't. I'm not over sensitive, I'm actually very relaxed this pregnancy. It just gets me when someone likes to tell me what I should be doing or what's best for me. She's very opinionated...like my SIL. SIL is worse for saying it how it is. Oh and they don't like the name we've chosen...reminds them of peacocks so we've been told we should have Eliza instead 😂
You should have heard what was said when my husband decided to leave the military...we've had the last laugh with that though!!
We only go once a week...but I think I might be busy next week and the week after!

I wouldn't try to justify it OP, you don't need to, it's entirely your choice what you do.

I'd just say something along the lines of "we've decided this is the best choice for us" then immediately change the subject, "would you like a cup of tea/hadn't the weather been terrible/I hear cousin Laura got into university" etc.

Just don't raise it again with her and if she asks either say that you haven't decided or don't want to discuss it. I HAVE to have a c-section this time around and we aren't telling my in-laws as (a) it's none of their business and (b) they have strange opinions and say odd things. No-one needs that!!

TOTALLY get you OP, you are not being overly sensitive!

In fact I made a point of telling DH that anything of this sort from my DMIL would piss me off before I got pregnant, so he couldn't blame hormones

I had a very similar birth to your first. I’m not tall, I had a big baby who got very stuck (shoulder distocia). His head was damaged from the ventouse and forceps, too. I also had to have an op when he was 9 months to repair all the damage. They said I’d have to have a c/s second time- I wanted to give birth, not have my baby ‘dragged’ from me. I pushed for a natural birth- TOTALLY different experience, 1/4 of the time and I did it 💪🏻. DH said he got me back the moment I knew I was ‘doing it’. I suppose, looking back, I was emotionally lost for a while. Baby was 1.5lb HEAVIER than my first who was ‘too big’ for me. Best experience ever and that birth experience chased away many demons.

Your choice ultimately- but good to have a balanced view.

On another note, I fear I’ll be ‘one of those MILs’ (BF-wise) 😳

I can 100% get what you mean.
I had an emergency c section with my 1st a d I was so traumatised is struggled to bond also.
2nd time I had a planned c section and it was the best experience of my life. And I feel like a better mother to my 1st also strangely. I feel me again.
Go with what is good for you no one else.

And when she goes on about shooting out her second.
Keep stating " as long as he/she get here safely that's all that matters."

Good luck OP

I think you are being over sensitive. She didn’t say “I think you are wrong to have a c-section” or “you a don’t realise a c-section is surgery and your second baby will fly out of you”

She gave an opinion and her experience.

You have considered all the factors and have opted for an elective c-section. Only you (and your maternity team) can say what is the best option for you and your next baby. I think as you have been weighing up this, you want her to confirm that you have made the right choice by agreeing with you. This is why you are irritated.

My MIL doesn’t/ hasn’t/ wouldn’t do the same as me (even in the same circumstances) so I do know what it feels like you are being looked down on, but with the benefit of hindsight I can see I felt sensitive about the decisions I made and am so glad I just gritted my teeth and kept a good relationship with her.

My MIL is an absolute pain in the arse for giving her opinions when they’re completely unnecessary. If I’m honest she spoilt some aspects of my pregnancy and a good chunk of the baby days because I was always on edge and having to be ready to defend myself against her very strident views and opinions. DS is 20 months now and I’ve only recently felt no discomfort at saying ‘No MIL, this is my son and my way’ because naturally I’m quite passive. It really grinds my gears when people try and push you in to their way of doing things just because that’s the way they did it.

I agree. Ignore. But please don"t get into natural/unnatural. Vaginal or non vaginal. That's the reality.

Your weakening yourself by going into explanation. Don't do it next time as others have said.
Thanks for the the comments Mil, you have already told me what you think and when you show me the your doctors certs I'll take that on board. Blood pains...

Elc is a great way to give birth... And hopefully it will be choice in years to come.