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Original poster

Lost my baby today- is my boyfriend being unreasonable?

23 replies

Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 18:44

I’ve been in agony all day, I’ve suffered my third miscarrage, this one just over 5 weeks. I’ve been crippled over in pain and just upset. My boyfriends been looking after me and I started to feel slightly better earlier, not 100% but not in agony. Am I wrong to now be slightly pissed off he’s just gone out with his mates for a few hours and just left me at his? I just thought under the circumstance he would stay with ne

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Greensleeves · 14/01/2018 18:46

Yes he's being unreasonable Sad

You need looking after, not leaving on your own. Do you have anyone else who can come and be with you? Is your mum nearby?

I'm so sorry Flowers I wish I cold give you a big (gentle) hug

Brownbear84 · 14/01/2018 18:46

So sorry for what's happened! I wouldn't have that sorry,does he realise what your going through? Selfish! I would tell him to not bother coming home.

Matilda1981 · 14/01/2018 18:51

Have you asked him how he’s feeling?! He might be gutted and want some space - not an ideal time to go out with his mates but men are funny creatures and he might not want you to see how upset he is!!

RippleEffects · 14/01/2018 18:53

So very sorry for your loss. Everything must still feel raw. Lots of emotion and no direction for it, or reason for whats happened. No blame, no one or thing that emotion can be directed at.

Whilst I don't know how it is for men, or very specifically your partner, he's lost too. He must be rather confused and at a loss emotionally. In pain for you and your pain, as well as his own.

Maybe it's a bit of bravado just pulling on a coat and trying to carry on as if nothing has happened. Maybe, it's because he too is in pain and doesn't want to further burden you.

Take care of yourself. One hour at a time.

Original poster
Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 19:01

I feel like all day as I’ve been with him I’ve held myself together and as soon as I heard the front door close I’ve just fell apart. I made it apperant I didn’t want him to go, he thinks I’m stopping him from being with his friends I just hate being alone at times like this. I have nothing to do in this house, it’s not my family home, all my friends who knew are either out the city or busy tonight so I can’t even get them to come round and I didn’t even tell my family about the pregnancy because of the previous losses. I just feel like I’m being forced to act like it’s nothing. My first miscarriage I had 3 weeks off, my second 3 days, and I’m considering just going in tomorrow no days off, feel my work place will lose tolerance with it all. I just think my boyfriend and work for that matter were so caring the first time round and now I’m at my third I feel like people care less :( boyfriend said he’s upset about it but being around me reminds him and being around his friends gives him some time, but I’m sorry?! Is it my fault they being around me reminds you I’m having a miscarrah

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Original poster
Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 19:02

*miscarrage

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Emelyeb · 14/01/2018 19:02

I recently found out my baby was severely deformed and we are in the process now of medical termination. We found out on Thursday and Saturday was the first day with no hospital visits, and because of this the emotion really hit home and I felt awful. My partner had planned to see his brother to go to the cinema and in the morning when I was very upset, he got ready to go and as he put it, get out, get a haircut and go to the cinema. I felt really upset, like he didn’t care and was just continuing on like nothings happened- I could barely get out of bed let alone go to the cinema! Anyway, I did have an emotional outburst which I probably shouldn’t have but i was just very upset. He did then explain that he just needed some time on his own and also some time with his brother. Our partners go through this too but in a different way- I think a lot of men feel they need to be strong for their partners, seeing them so upset is hard and they feel like they need to protect them further by not adding to the pain by being sad or depressed. I think it might be a good idea to talk to your partner and find out what we wanted/ needed to go out- you might find that he has an understandable reason to get away for a bit. I know it’s hard and for us, it seems hurtful and uncaring, but try to be strong and support your partner the way he needs to be supported so that he can also support you- look after each other as best you can - but make sure you look after yourself and your feelings too, explain to him how it makes you feel when he leaves and see if maybe next time, when he needs a bit of time away or time to bond with male freinds, he explains this to your first so you don’t feel abondoned. I hope that helps! I know how hard it is, sending my love. Xx

Wheelerdeeler · 14/01/2018 19:04

I would seriously consider not having a child with him. If he can waltz out the door on you today after your 3rd miscarriage, I would guess you would be always left holding the baby so to speak.

He is telling you who he is....... listen.

BigBaboonBum · 14/01/2018 19:06

This really annoys me. It’s not happened to men physically therefore they should be a solid rock to lean on until you’re better able to cope, and then they can coddle their tiny little brains and have their time. You get people who will say awww but they’re affected too... it’s not even remotely the same.

I’m so sorry this has happened Flowers

BigBaboonBum · 14/01/2018 19:06

And as for the post before mine, I second that

Teaandbiscuits35 · 14/01/2018 19:09

That's awful. Sending you the biggest hugs. Try and get a friend or relative round, you need looking after x

Original poster
Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 19:12

Thankyou ladies Flowers I’ve just sat here past half hour sobbing to myself. I said to him it’s unfair he can just leave the situation if it gets too much and I just sit here and deal with it. I also gave to worry about my fertility or what is going wrong, hospital has referred me to specialists. So if the loss isn’t enough to deal with, I’m not having to face the real possibility that carrying a baby may not be in my future.

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Original poster
Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 19:12

Have to worry*

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Original poster
Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 19:14

I’m having to deal with * sorry for all the mistakes

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RippleEffects · 14/01/2018 19:14

Right now, you need to not give a stuff about others. If you need a few days off, take a few days off.

It really sound's like you do.

Other people's emotion is their business. Some people will be bitchy even if you had diorehea, stay in or go home - sometimes you can't win, so go with what you need. This isn't about them. Its about you. If you don't feel up to people yet, don't put yourself where you have to deal.

My first miscarriage, a few years after two healthy DC, it was sad but took it within reason on the chin. Second, I found it tough but moved on. Third I fell a bit apart. It felt like my life lost direction. No one has the right to dictate how easy or hard this is for you.

No one can dictate how you feel. Breathe, do what you need too for now. Try to avoid major life decisions until your confident that the logic side of your person is as much in control as the emotional one.

highinthesky · 14/01/2018 19:17
Flowers

Concentrate on yourself for now. If you’re still cross with your partner about this after 4 weeks, you’ll know it’s tome to get shot of him.

ClaryFray · 14/01/2018 19:17

Could you face going home? I know it sucks but maybe you'd feel more comfortable at home, especially if your boyfriend isn't there. Find the fluffiest PJ's you own, hot water bottle for the pain and a film and some junk. Allow yourself to feel.

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

Original poster
Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 19:21

@claryfray I could go home but they don’t know so I’d have to tell my mom and sister as to why I’m so upset. My dad also wouldn’t have approved of me being pregnant anyway as I’m not married to my boyfriend so it’s not even worth digging myself in that hole :( i just can’t stop thinking about it since he left, even him being here all day I didn’t realise how much it was helping until he left

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1stX · 14/01/2018 19:43

I’m so sorry for your loss.

You’re understandably gutted and emotional. From what you’ve said he has looked after you But that he’s finding it hard to be near you as it reminds him.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. You’re both grieving but are handling things differently. X

Original poster
Katiekiara · 14/01/2018 20:00

he called me and I started crying down the phone. Didn’t hear any urgency to come home so, guess it’s a few hours for me alone. Don’t know if I’m being hormonal and possessive because that’s how he can sometimes make me feel. Don’t get me wrong like I said he’s looked after me all day I just thought he’d stay with me tonight

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MissYeti · 14/01/2018 22:35

So sorry for your loss Flowers
I dont think your partner is being unreasonable, he's probably devestated as this is your third miscarriage and feels that he shouldnt be emotional in front of you because you need him to be strong. Hes probably taking a bit of time out with his mates to talk through how hes feeling so he can come back and be your rock.
Dont be harsh on yourself or him, everyone grieves in different ways

Wheelerdeeler · 17/01/2018 08:28

How are you Katiekiara?

Original poster
Katiekiara · 17/01/2018 09:03

@wheelerdeeler
Hey I’m okay I suppose, i went back to work yesterday, have today and tomorrow book off. Have come back to my family home for a few days, just wanted to think things through. Worst of the pain and bleeding is over, just feel a bit down x

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