Stress/Mass Organisation Surrounding Giving Birth - DC's

[User45632874]

I have posted this on the childbirth forum too, so double post.
I am nearly 30 weeks pregnant and I am stressing about who is going to look after my dcs when I enter hospital to give birth.
My dc's are age 11 and 4. I am not so worried about dd1 as she is pretty self sufficient and can let herself back into the house if need be/get herself to school etc. But I am stressed about dc2 (4) who is not yet at school. She attends pre-school every morning currently and is a fussy eater.
I have no extended family - no grandparents/aunties/uncles to leave her with and I am going to have to depend on my neighbours/friends. Although, I trust the three or four people who have agreed to help, I know it is not going to be plain sailing. 3 of the 4 individuals work (maybe only a couple of hours during the day but still have other commitments), have other children etc. and I know this is going to be a big ask. Also although as I said I trust these individuals they are not really part of our daily lives - they don't really understand what dd2 likes/enjoys and all of that...oh I hate the thought of leaving dd2 behind. I am currently in the process of packing spare clothes/toys etc for dd2 plus I will leave a list of what dd likes to eat/what her usual daily routine is (if they are prepared to take her to pre-school which involves a drive, I will also talk to pre-school to see if they can extend her hours to a full day, if need be). It honestly feels like a military operation with all these different contingency plans because there is no one person who can categorically promise to step into the breach. I really want dh to be with me...I am feeling anxious enough about the birthing process but this worry just ramps things up even more. It's crap not having extended family to rely on, though I know I am not alone. I would be prepared to pay for this additional support but it would be the same old...they would not know my dd at all and I just want her to feel cared for. Obviously, I can ask older dd to keep an eye on her but eldest dd is at secondary school and I don't want her to have time off (high achieving grammar school). It's the whole unpredictability of it all...when; if I knew then I could make definite plans. I could create a case for a C-section (past reasons too) but I think this is a bit extreme. Can anyone possibly relate to the above?

I feel like this as well! You are not alone! I am coming up for 31 weeks and under consultant care for emergency section with my first and although I am going down the VBAC route I genuinely considered a section again purely so I could arrange childcare! My daughter is going to be just shy off 2 and I have never left her before so it terrifies me! My parents live abroad and my sister is first on the list to come look after her but she has a 6 month old Herself and runs a business and needs to be in work a few hours in evening few days a week! I am so stressed about going into labour and getting people over (most of which live like 40/45mins away as well!) I want to labour at home as long as possible but equally you never know how quickly things will progress and when to call people over as don't want people here when trying to labour it's a logistical nightmare! I am such an over organised individual so this is really a stressy point for me! But I am slowly beginning to just realise all I can do is go with it and really just hope it works out and trusting my husband will be helpful and shuttle or sort stuff when needed! I feel your pain though! It's what's driving me for a VBAC so I can get in and out as quickly as possibly (hopefully!) and get home to my daughter!

I personally would look into hiring someone to be on call for you if you can stretch to afford it. We are in a similar situation. Our dd is 4 and in school now. Our closest family is 2 hours away (but they travel quite often, so no guarantee they will be around when I go into labour). Other family is 6 hours away. My family live overseas (and I do NOT want any of them just hanging around for 6 weeks, they would drive me up the wall). Our nearby friends all either have small children (couldn't just come to us in the middle of the night) or work jobs they can't just up and leave.

I'm having a home birth, which does help to a degree (had a home birth with my first, so it's nothing to do with the childcare issues). So if all goes well, we'll all be home and it won't be a problem. But if I do need to go into hospital, it will be an emergency situation and I'll have about 20 minutes to prepare and go. No way even local friends could get here that fast.

So I personally have hired a doula who will be here with me to support me in the birth, but if it all goes pear shaped and I have to go to hospital, she'll stay behind and care for our dd, either until my dh is back home after the birth or until someone else can come and relieve her. I would have also looked into a nanny agency or something if I hadn't opted for a doula.

It's an expensive solution (though I used a trainee doula who is significantly less than most), but it's the only way I could relax and not be stressing about my dd while I was in labour. I can focus on the birth and the baby and know everyone else will take care of her. I've written very explicit instructions and the doula will stay in our home with her so we keep her surroundings familiar, etc. That's the only way I could figure out how to do it, as we just didn't have anyone we could depend on close by.

As there are still 10 or so weeks to go could you look into a childminder or nanny now so your DD can start spending some time with them and adjust a bit? A nanny might be easiest as they could be there for your older DC as well.

I think it would give you peace of mind which is half the battle.

Alternatively a doula might work too? They doula could support you whilst your husband made sure the DC were taken care of and then follow on?

Yes, mindutopia...I think that is what I would prefer - someone coming into the home where surroundings are familiar for the youngest dd and I am not hoicking them out somewhere..I almost want an au pair for the day rather than a doula because I think I would prefer dh to be with me through the birth but I would feel happier having that guaranteed person to be here for the children. Do these type of agencies exist, where nannies can be called upon even in the middle of the night. Perhaps it is something to look into tomorrow but also I would probably need someone to get here pretty quickly because things could happen reasonably fast - fourth labour (second was significantly quicker than first) and I am not sure we have such an agency on the doorstep but obviously will research. This person would be unknown to the dd's so I would hope to have a meeting beforehand to discuss what I would need and for initial meet. Arghhh, why is this so stressful, if only I had been born into a normal non-dysfunctional family but you cant turn back the clock can you and you have to work with what you've got - both dh's parents are deceased and our siblings cannot be depended upon even if they lived close by.

Oh and thanks for your suggestions. Has anyone hired a nanny in practice for such an occasion. When I researched the cost of a doula I think it was in the region of several hundreds of pounds and I don't really need the support running up to the birth, I don't think, it's just practical support surrounding the birth that is required.

I’m a Childminder and have helped families out in this kind of situation, so it’s worth asking around

It could also be worth asking the pre-school she attends, as it might be that one or two of the staff might be willing to be on standby? Especially if there are any without their own kids? We have used nursery staff to babysit before and I think one or two have done this before. At least they then know your DD and are used to looking after her and she knows them. And she could then go into pre-school with them... just an idea. Might be worth asking?

Do you have a local childminders Facebook page? Or mum's page? we have both locally and that's where I would start I think.

Thanks for your suggestions. I have just contacted an emergency nanny agency and I will see what they come back with. The difficulty is, I suppose, they need to be contactable at all times in this situation.
All of the nursery staff have children - this is the thing, there are people I could call upon but they all have other commitments, even the retired couple next door who are lovely and would be ideal, never seem to be in.

We are having a homebirth for similar reasons. If i have to go into hospital, I'll either labour alone or hopefully our local minister will be free to have the dc. We also have dc friends parents to ask and neighbours if it came to it.

Labouring alone isn't ideal, but the midwives would take care of you. Otherwise, yes professional agency/baby sitter in your own home.

Have you asked your neighbours? Or at school? If I was your neighbour, I'd happily help out.