Gender disappointment

[tvhearts]

My sister in law gave birth to her 4th boy on Tuesday and she's feeling down in the dumps. She didn't know what she was having and I think had talked herself into thinking this one would definitely be a girl. Does anyone have any advice on how to support her through this? Thanks in advance x

I don't know if it would help her, but when I had a 3rd son I imagined what I would say if someone with 3 daughters offered to swap youngest with me. Immediately I knew the answer was that I wouldn't have the slightest wobble, I would keep my child and not swap for a girl. That helped me realise that I didn't want a girl above all else, I wanted my baby, this baby, and I wouldn't swap him for the thing I thought I wanted.

I also used to imagine when my boys were grown how they'd all tower over me and I'd be their little mum. I loved that image.

Then my 3rd son turned out to be the least disappointing child ever in the world. Which helped!

And finally...I did go on to have a DD. I love her of course. But I love her no more and no less than my boys. It didn't make the difference I had imagined it would.

It’s day 3 - hormone crash day. Are you sure it’s gender dissapointment and not just general blues day?

I'm not 100% @PotteringAlong - she made loads of comments like "well this one definitely has to be a girl" when pregnant like she was sure of it

I will doubtless be flamed for this but if I were told I was having a fourth boy I would be a bit disappointed (though I would find out in advance so that I was over it by the time of birth, and would not make my gender preference generally known). But I really wouldn't want any words of comfort or advice on the topic. I'd be embarrassed and guilty about even feeling that way, and there would be nothing anyone could say to change it.

It is what it is - not the most rational thing, and I'm sure she knows she's lucky to have four healthy boys and will love them all dearly etc. By the same token I (obviously) wouldn't want empathetic commiserations, ie I wouldn't want anyone telling me they would also be disappointed in my position! I would just want the usual support, cooing over my beautiful baby etc, until I had come to terms with it in my own time.

Gender disappointment is a thing, but unless she has an actual mental condition it’s a very short lived thing. If she does have any kind of mental illness etc then I advise you tell a health professional so they can help her. It will always seem worse around the time of baby blues.
I’ve just been told my third child will be my third boy and I’m really excited about it! Boys love their mummies more!

Thanks @Heregoeseverything and yes I think you're right this is a topic that is difficult to discuss. I just wondered more if there was anything that definitely DID/DIDN'T help anyone in a similar position.

I was 100% disappointed to discover we were having another boy.
I got over it and love ds to bits.

It would have helped to be allowed to be honest about my disappointment without judgement.
Spend some time with her and let her talk.

You sound like a lovely friend.

I know someone who had all boys, who went on to have almost all girl grandchildren - sometimes it balances out.

I remember when she had Ds3 and someone said "aww you make lovely boys" and she said "I think we'd make nice girls too though" and she just seemed kind of upset. I cant explain it. I just want to make sure I'm not saying the wrong thing I suppose.

I was thinking about this the other day and wonder if anyone is ever desperately disappointed when they have all girls?!! Unless you're in a culture where having a boy (or heir) is considered important!

I don't think there is a way of comforting, or a right way of comforting her. Im sure she will get over it.
I certainly wouldn't be able to console her without being patronising ill admit. Sje knew there was a 50% of having another boy.
Why have another child if your going to be down in the dumps if its a certain gender? It beats me.
She'll love to love this boy like all her others. If she desperately wants a girl she could try gender selection rather than pinning her hopes up and then being down with another baby to look after.