39 weeks and freaking out

[Hobbitsy]

Don't know what to do but I need to put this somewhere.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant, my husband gets home from deployment and my due date is on Sunday and I am totally and utterly freaking out. My anxiety has gone through the roof.

I'd give anything to go back 10 weeks and say to my husband "darling why don't we just play backgammon!" Or that perhaps trying for a baby because I didn't want to regret not having one ten years down the line was not a good enough reason to turn my life upside down.

I'm terrified. Not particularly of the labour, though I am scared about that... what if something goes wrong and I die!!??? But of life after. I can't give her back, and giving your child up for adoption is generally frowned upon... by what if I don't love her? What if she put her in my chest and I just want them to take her away? What if I hate being a parent and spend he rest of my life being unhappy and resentful? What if the strain of being parents is too much and my husband and I split up.? We're perfectly happy and and in love right now... I don't want anything to jeopardise that.

I feel totally trapped. I'm so scared. I don't want this any more but I have to go through the painful process of giving birth, and then I will have to take care of a needy little creature who needs feeding every two hours and won't be able to sleep. I'm scared my husband and I won't be able to resume or sex life and he'll leave me.

I don't know what to do. Any words of advice?? Anyone recognise my fear??.

I didn't want to read and run. I don't have much advice but i think its totally normal being apprehensive and anxious before the baby is born. I am only 33 weeks and keep waking up panicking that i have made a bad decision or that the baby will hate me.

I think you just have to take it as it comes and talk to your husband about all your fears. I am sure you will make a great mum as you have come this far and protected your daughter well.

I wish you all the luck with your labour and adjusting to being a little family.

Please know that it's totally okay to not be overwhelmed with love for your baby straightaway.
We are at 7.5 months and I'm just only now slowly beginning to get it.
I was feigning it before to fit into society.
You will warm to your baby when they start to smile at you, or laugh at you or even recognise you. When they start to have a personality.
I wanted to send mine back for a long while, but I think I was just in shock about how much my life had changed overnight. It's better now, but it's taken me a huge chunk of time to adjust.
If you can ensure you have people to support you when your husband is away then that would be good.
Say someone to take him/her for a walk round the park so you can scream wash your hair in peace.

Wishing you all the best xx

Hi Hobbitsy.

I didnt want to read and run. I don’t have any words of wisdom but if it helps you have written how I feel. I’m only 7 weeks pregnant but today all I can think of is ‘what have I done? I love my life. Why am I changing it?’ I’m sure lots of people have felt similar. Are you on any meds for your anixety? It’s an awful thing.

Thank you guys.... if nothing else it's good to normalise how I'm feeling!!! I hope and pray and it won't be as bad as I fear it will...

I won't lie, after I had my son there were times when I kind of wanted someone to take him away and not bring him back. I didn't adore him instantly, in fact I wasn't entirely sure what this thing they'd put on my chest was and whether it was definitely my baby. I was overwhelmed with the fact that short of adoption, which I knew wasn't really a realistic idea, I could never take back what I'd done.

I got through it and you will too. Some days I just had to set very low expectations for myself and keep going. I adore my son now and I love being a mother. Just keep telling yourself "everybody else muddles through this and I will too". Because you will. And you will have sex again, and sharing a love for your child can add a new and wonderful layer to your love for your husband.

Also, when all else fails, watch Tim Minchin, "Lullaby": That song saved my bacon and my sense of humour a few times. It's normal to simultaneously love your baby and kind of want them to be stolen by a dingo.

I had similar feelings with my first. I’ll be honest, having your first baby turns your world upside down and for a while nothing about my life looked or felt the same as it did before baby. It was a huge shock to my system. It took me a while to really accept the change and work with it rather than wishing my old life back. But I can honestly say that having my son is THE best thing I have ever done. He is now almost three and he is the love of our lives. The baby months are tough but so, so worth it. I’m expecting our second and whilst I am nervous like you that I won’t like the change in my life, I now know from experience that things calm down and you get yourself into a new rhythm which is so much more fulfilling than I ever hoped it would be. Just remember in those first few months when it feels like it’s all getting too much that it won’t always be like this all the time and that babies/toddlers and young children change pretty quickly so the difficult patches are short lived even though at the time they feel like eternity.

Having your first child is absolutely terrifying, I mean it’s scary as hell every time but your first... that’s some crazy times right there. Life changes forever and it’s so much more difficult and the late nights and leaking boobs and not leaving the house and AHHHH WHY IS THE BABY CRYING... until it isn’t anymore and then you wonder how the heck you ever lived without this perfect little creature before. You forget the pain, how difficult it is to be so tired you’d sleep on a washing line, you’re in love and even though life is more hectic it’s wonderful ... and all of a sudden you’re upduffed again and posting on mumsnet about freaking out all over again.

You’ll do great

Oh love, what you're feeling is so normal, I promise. I had this complete fear about not being able to love my (very much wanted) baby and it plagued me through the later stages of my pregnancy. When I started labor, I categorically did not under any circumstances want to proceed (told anyone that would listen) but I didn't die and you know what? He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's rough for the first few weeks, and it's scary. But you're underestimating the sheer volume of all-consuming love that will hit you, if not straight away then pretty quickly, for this child. Like a PP said, when the doctors first handed me my little one I was decently convinced he wasn't mine and to be honest, just so shell-shocked that it didn't really sink in straight away. But at 4am the next morning I woke up, picked him up, and it suddenly just hit me out of nowhere. Don't too much pressure on yourself. It'll come.

You'll spend hours thinking about how they're the grossest but most amazing thing on the planet, and you and your husband will adapt. It's so normal to be scared, especially right now with your husband away. But I promise you can do this, and that it will be worth it.

It will be tough for a while, and it's not always the good stuff, but the first time you hear her giggle, or say "Mama", you'll be the happiest you've ever been. You're going to be absolutely fine.

Also,  at @QueenAravisOfArchenland's dingo comment.

One of the most helpful things ever said to me when I was pregnant was by a good friend who said, "when I had my first, I looked into the cot and thought 'What the fuck have I done?'". She went on to have three more children, but she helped me to realise that it's absolutely normal to have the thoughts that you are having now. Just take a deep breathe and remind yourself how wonderful you are.

I have no helpful advice but not because I am completely heartless but because I'm due on Sunday too and I feel like I could have written your post!! I am going to be a single parent (ex left me when I was 8 weeks pregnant) so I am a nervous wreck too!! I am sure we will be fine, can't help thinking your thoughts though! Hand hold for you! X

I never had that rush of love that people seem to describe when they first set eyes on their baby. I was in shock I think (not a traumatic birth, was just actually kind of in a state of disbelief that I’d just given birth and here was our very much longed for baby!)

Anyway the shock died down and I can assure you that I love my baby now more than I could ever put into words. He is 2 now and our second baby is due any day.

Chances are, all those worries you just listed will go straight out the window once your little one arrives. And IF you find yourself struggling - and there are many reasons why plenty of women do find themselves struggling - there is a lot of support out there. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people for that support if you feel like you need it - whether health professionals, your partner/family or mumsnet. X

Oh OP, I think these feelings are pretty standard for a lot of people. I meet women most days that are in a right old panic wondering wtf they have done and I felt exactly the same too!

I remember waking up one morning at about 3am when I was 37 weeks and telling my partner we'd made a massive mistake and I wasn't ready. Those feelings plus pregnancy induced insomnia got me feeling really bogged down in the last few weeks.

When he arrived and they placed him on my chest I didn't get a rush of love it was more like "hey, I know you!" And now that he's here I don't really remember what life was like without him.

If you do struggle then that's okay too, it's okay not to be okay and there is tons of support out there; utilise your HV well and the aftercare service provided by the midwives. You'll be fine

This into tally normal. I just want to say that you mustn't put pressure on yourself about how you will feel after (vs how you "should" feel). You may get that instant rush of love when baby is on your chest but if you're like me, you won't. Our baby was very wanted, we were very excited but we're both pragmatic people. I loved pregnancy but when he was born (very quickly!) I didn't feel like I was ready to give my life up to protect this little stranger. We were extremely happy but I was not consumed by love (stupid one born every minute! Maybe I needed that piano music on in the background as he crowned) and I did have a few brief moments of tears and total panic about my new life and our new life as a couple. (I did not have pnd by the way but feel I always have to say this when I'm light hearted and honest with people about how I felt!!)

I'm telling you this because IFit happens, it WILL pass. We both adore our smiley little 10 week old and life is back under control again. I wish I could go back and reassure my shellshocked post birth self. Good luck with everything - it's an amazing time

I had all this anxiety too but in the first trimester. It's completely normal- I'd say it's be less normal to NOT have those thoughts iyswim
I was never maternal, never been around babies etc. Nothing could have prepared me for how much I love my son. He is now 10 weeks and I'm just about to put him down after a feed. He is the best thing I have ever done and I wouldn't go back to my old life (which was pretty amazing) for anything.

The rush of love stuff is mostly hormones the real love comes from caring for this helpless little person through tiredness soreness and mind bendingly long nights getting to know them. I have ,5, DC about to have my ,6th I have felt the rush of love the arrrgh what have I done the oh hi there glad to meet you and the going through the motions just feeling nothing but tired feelings. Each reaction has been different and was I think largely based on birth experience and life at that time nothing to do with my baby I love them all fiercely and each the same regardless and with everyone of them it's got to the last week's and I have felt exactly as you have written op. Totally normal and fairly rational your not minding a pot plant it's a life changing event but just try to think that fear is part of its beauty.

Op I’m 38 weeks with my first... the birth bit I can handle even look forward to (I can’t wait to be able to sleep (ha!) on my back again) it’s the permanence of it all that freaks me out... I can’t give her back, what if I don’t like her, I’ve got to keep this tiny person alive and not turn them into a serial killer! I then like to sit back and think there are people out there that are truly dreadful parents, they do everything wrong, they don’t care about their kids etc and they manage to raise (sort of) their kids to adulthood. So hopefully I won’t be too terrible x

OP, my eldest is 12 months and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. I still look at my first sometimes and wonder what I've done, more so now I'm having my second. But it's such an incredible journey full of highs and lows. He's so bloody lovely sometimes and I thank my lucky stars he's in my life. Even though sometimes I wish I could get off the rollercoaster. I think your feelings are all very normal

Thank you for starting this thread OP. It seems that what we are feeling is very normal. I felt awful last night, i had quite bad cramping and I thought ‘if this is the start of a miscarriage maybe that is the way out - i wouldn’t try again straight away, I’d leave it for a couple more years’. I know how awful that is, and I am so sorry to those who have been theough it. thankfully my husband is very understanding and said ‘you need to remember we were actively trying for a baby - you did want this and you will again’.

It’s terrifying - are giving up often a lovely lovely life for something that seems terrifying.

How are you feeling now

Update hun how's things