Back to work early

[AnotherBunIntOven]

Posted on the work board but no helpful response.

Who's gone back to work when there little one is around 3 months? Where did they go? How did you cope with the added stress, night feeds etc? How guilty did you feel? How did the baby cope? Did you BF?

Lots of questions as you can see. Got myself in a right royal dilemma! I applied for an internal promotion knowing I'm in the family way. I've been successful and I'll be 12 weeks next week. I'm aware I have done nothing wrong, still must be irritating for the receiving manager!

I work for a very ethical, family orientated business with out of this world mat pay. Last time I took a year off. This time my ideal is 9 months and I'd really be gutted to lose out on some very well paid time off with the new baby, but this job is very important to me so I'm planning on easing the blow to my new boss by presenting him with a few reasonable options. The compromise being 6 months and my minimum being 3.

Just wondered how practical 3 months actually is before I suggest it?

Obviously there's the option of shared parental leave, however my man seems to have jumped in a time machine back to the 1920's! He seems under the impression his new job is more important than my new job and he "couldn't take 3 months out because think what that would do to his career"😡 WHAT??!! Yet attempts to make me feel guilty about going back sooner than planned! "3 months is too soon, we won't cope, the baby is too young for nursery, I still need to make all my work commitments"

If anyone has experience of talking a stubborn, self obsessed man child into shared pat leave- that advice is also most welcome!😂

Thanks xx

Well, hopefully someone from the US will be on, as 3months is pretty standard there.

I started DS at nursery at 6 months, this was ok, but this time I think I’d do a childminder for the first 18months then nursery.

3months does feel a little early to me, and I guess it just depends on your baby. Better not to promise that though, and then find it’s totally untenable? Will you be FT?

employers are now obliged to do things like give dedicated space for expressing and storing milk.

Don't suggest it if you don't want to so it. You are under no obligation to not take your full year and if they withdraw the offer, you'll have a decent case for discrimination. It's not for the manager but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles and they'll have to deal with it.

You husband on the other hand needs a fucking reality check. The cheek of it!

I know I can take as long as I want, but it would be professionally irresponsible given I know the expectations of the job. It's a new role, I can't tell them I'm the person who will get them where they need to be and then walk away for 12 months. I'm not worried about them rejecting the offer, and tbh if I did take a year not a sole would question me, but it would lower people's opinions of me and have a negative impact on my next few years.

I've spoke to nursery today and they do take from 3 months but I think I would go back after 3m for 3 days per week and little one would be with grandparents for those days. Then full time at 6m and little one would go to nursery for 1/2 days. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with that.

I could cut out my day feeds and just BF morning and night. Plus I'd get a nice bit of extra time with the baby by being PT.

It's not professionally irresponsible to take maternity leave for more than 3 months.

I am planning on only taking 3 months off. But I am self-employed and the main breadwinner, so I don't really have much of a choice. I also have the kind of job where people forget you exist if you are away for too long!

DH is going to take 6 months unpaid after I've done the first 3, which will make things loads easier though. Maybe try and bring your partner back into this century!

Stellarbella, do you not have shared parental leave eligibility? If you do, your OH could take the 6 months pay you were entitled to but didn't take

I second above poster. Think hard about going back early if not what you want. I couldn't imagine leaving lo at that age. You won't get that time back. And your oh needs to catch himself on too.

I'm going back to work Saturday after 5 months off, albeit I'm doing nightshift so OH will be here overnight for ds and I'll take over in the morning when he goes to work, when dd2 was born I went back to shift work after 4 month which was a pain but needs must and we both only did 4 day weeks so that it was only one overlapping day that dd1&2 needed to be in nursery

@intelinside I'm self-employed, so no shared parental leave for me, I don't think. I've not looked into it properly, but I'm pretty sure that I have no rights to anything, other than statutory maternity pay. Which is a joke!

@Intelinside no it's not when you take it out of context like that.

My point is it's irresponsible if I sit in an interview, listen to how critical the first 18 months are in this new role in a new division. Tell them I can lead them to success, then fuck off immediately for a prolonged period. It would be an outright lie. If I want THIS job, and I do, I will have to make a compromise on on the time I take off. If I wanted to take a long time off I can just stay in my current role and take as long as I want, it won't be an issue.

It's good to hear people have gone/going back as soon. I've known a few self employed people do it.

I'm interested in how well it works in practice though. Can you get their routines nailed. My first is great and was sleeping through early, but I had the time to get his routines right.

Just had another row about the shared leave. He won't even ask his manager how much it would affect their business to take a month out (he started a new job too). The world will stop turning if he take 4 weeks out, clearly! As we have both started new job I feel it's fair for me to take 3 and him to take 3, he doesn't. So I figured I'd ask less of him. Problem is, he sees it as my responsibility and thinks I should just not take the job, so he gets to progress his career, but I don't. Sometimes he really surprises me with a backwards opinion like this. He struggles to put himself in other peoples shoes and gain a different perspective, which makes him stubborn, I doubt I'll change his mind!

Not sure what to do about your husband, OP, does the fact that the situation is more than 9 months from now ease his concerns? He will be more established by then. Could he do part time and you do part time (different days)?

Also interested to hear what you decide to do as am thinking of taking 6 months myself. 3 does seem really short but I wonder as well what compromises there are with other part time permutations. Would they fill the role with someone else while you are off? If yes then surely they would prefer to have someone temporarily in for a decent period of time. If not then a phased approach may work...

Could you have an honest conversation with your employer now, pre interview? Express your concerns, see if there’s a way to work around it together?

I’m being interviewed on Tuesday for a new job (new organisation), and will be going on mat leave in July. Although I’ll miss critical work, they’ll get a lot out of me when I return after 9months (assuming I’m successful!).

Well you could always stepdown from your new position?

I have a 3 month old and currently rack up a good 6 hours broken sleep a night, thats from the hours of 10pm when bedtime starts and 8am the next morning when DH goes off to work.

What you need to ask yourself is will you be giving 100% the whole next 6 months you are starting this job? I can and so will every other lady who worked up to their due date guarantee the answer is no, even if you have no complications which you can’t also guarentee you will be extremely tired towards the end and you’ll slip up

Then when you return at 3 months worrying about your parents having your baby and trying to feed every 2 hours throughout the night and get up and ready to work for 8 in the morning are you going to be giving 100% then?

As an employer its easier to get a decent replacement for longer term cover also, and they can afford to bring them in earlier to train with you/find their feet etc.

If you think it will look negative having a baby 6 months into this new position and you are worried about the negative effect for you personally... you can’t negotiate the needs of your unborn child but you can remove yourself from and negligance at work by simply not taking the job.

As for your husband thats a serperate issue entirely.

Well you could always stepdown from your new position

This

Ever heard of the phrase
"I can do anything. I can't do everything"
Good luck to you. I think its easy to look at things like this a logistical problem and ignore the emotional side of it. Could you park a 12 week baby and go back to work? Yes you could and people have to do that. But i think that is quite a different thing from choosing to when you dont have to. I also suspect that it will not sit well in this organisation as you have described it.

It's not a choice of 12 weeks or a year. Secondment and sabbatical are seen as great opportunities for individuals and the company. While women apologise taking career breaks, and the myth that taking 6 months out damages long term careers, men won't take their fair share of leave. While men are statistically more likely to be in senior manager and leadership roles, companies will continue to be headed up by guys like your husband that see it as a negative barrier that disproportionately affects women.

You are clearly intelligent, successful and the best person for this job. It sounds like you aren't convinced you want to take so little time. You are implying if it wasn't for this job, you'll take longer.

We should stop being apologetic about taking roles which we clearly were the best candidate for as caring for children is a women's problem when it shouldn't be.

I would also add that they will need to fill your role whilst you are on leave anyway. It would probably be easier to do this for 6 or 9 months as this is a good length of time for a secondment and a development opportunity for someone else.
In your shoes i would put in 5 months of setting up and planning your absence. Make use of kit days after the baby is here.

I’d take it and take longer leave. They can cover while you’re not there. Come back when you’re ready and still do a great job.

I currently live abroad where the standard leave is 45 calendar days (6 weeks!) I managed to get an exception to last it out until 4 months (unpaid) and I could have possibly got another month but I felt I should return back to work. One year later, sitting here reading your post it makes me realise that no one at work would have noticed and I should have taken my additional allowance. At the time I felt the pressure from my boss who wanted me back in the office and from my love of my job. I was lucky that my son went to an amazing nursery that has really helped him thrive. But if i could do it again then I would definitely do it differently...

By the sounds of it, I'm in the same country/city as WelshVix. I went back to work when my son was 15 weeks, having used up all my maternity leave and annual leave that I'd been saving up in preparation. He stayed at home with our nanny until last week, when he started nursery (he will be 2 in Feb)

We are all still alive and happy but some tips:

• Set clear expectations with your boss. I am lucky to have a great boss who understands that if my nanny is sick or the nursery is closed for whatever reason, I will need to work from home / take an emergency day off. I am also very rigid about the fact that when my working hours are done, I leave for the day. Weekends are for spending with my son. I. Do. Not. Respond. To. Emails. At. The. Weekend.

• Set clear expectations with your DH. When I was on maternity leave, I was happy to do the majority of baby and house related stuff. But once I was back at work, he really had to step up.

• Be realistic about BF-ing. DS was EBF and I almost killed myself pumping all hours of the day to keep up. I'm expecting DC2 in the summer and this time round, expect to combi feed when I go back to work to take the pressure off me. If you do choose to express when you are at work, invest in a decent pump and make sure your employer provides an appropriate space for you to use.

• Don't try to be superwoman. I feel no shame in having a cleaner and someone who does my ironing. Sometimes my house is a mess. Sometimes I look a mess. It's ok. You can't do everything and keep everyone happy all the time.

• Finally, do what is right for you. So many of my friends in the UK pulled a face when I said I was going back to work so early. But you know what? Actually, I was ok about it. I really enjoy my job, I am good at it and I earn great money. Staying at home wasn't for me. It doesn't mean I'm not a great mum. You will have moments where you feel guilty, tired, stressed etc but have confidence in your decision.