Hi all,
I wanted to tell the story of my recent miscarriage. Reading about women's experiences on mumsnet and similar forums has been hugely helpful during my pregnancy journey, and I would like to give back. I hope this helps someone, somewhere.
My husband and I were lucky to conceive quickly, with close tracking of periods and ovulation. The symptoms of pregnancy hit me very soon after conception - painful, swollen breasts, nausea, endless fatigue, cravings for sugary food...
9 weeks into the pregnancy, we decided to pay for an early scan at a private clinic. It was the week before Christmas and we wanted to give our parents a lovely surprise on Christmas day with our baby news. We attended the Fetal Medicine Centre in London after reading great reviews and recommendations.
At the scan, no heartbeat could be found and the CRL of the foetus measured just 6mm, indicating a 6 week pregnancy. My husband and I were totally baffled - we couldn't have got our dates wrong, and I had had not symptoms of miscarriage. The doctor was completely unhelpful - she just get repeating the age of the foetus, despite having the dates of my last period in front of her. She didn't explain that it was possible that the foetus had stopped growing, or that I could have had a miscarriage without any symptoms like bleeding or abdominal pain. In fact, she didn't even ask me if I had had these symptoms!
At the end of the appointment she said that I should come back for a repeat scan in 10 days time, and that there might be a possibility that the pregnancy was not viable.
We paid the bill and left the clinic, deciding not to book a rescan at the Fetal Medicine Centre but to go elsewhere, as the doctor had been cold and not helpful or forthcoming, apart from performing the scans and giving us basic information. We didn't know whether to be hopeful and optimistic about the pregnancy or assume the worst. My husband and I spent the rest of the day trying to interpret the examination report, searching the internet for scientific information, research, statistics and women's stories and experiences. It was only through doing so that we discovered that a foetus could stop growing without the mother experiencing any symptoms of a miscarriage (a 'missed' miscarriage) and that if the foetus measured 6mm at 9 weeks then it was very likely a miscarriage. For this to be the most probable outcome, and for it to be only mentioned in passing at the end of our appointment at the centre, was shocking to say the least.
I called the local hospital where I was receiving birth care as I was due for an antenatal appointment at the end of that same week. On telling the midwife about my scan results, she immediately cancelled the appointment and booked me in for scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital the following week. We received excellent care and advice during this scan.
Sadly the scan confirmed our worst fear - that I had miscarried. However, we had prepared ourself for this outcome, and had started to grieve for our loss.
The sonographer and nurses were sympathetic and respectful. Our options were then explained to us. Again, because of the reams of research I'd already done online, I had decided already to choose a medically managed miscarriage; the foetus had stopped developing over four weeks ago at this point, and I didn't want to carry on being 'pregnant' for what seemed like an endless amount of time.
I was given mifepristone that day, and attended the hospital the following day to be given four 200mg misoprostol tablets to dissolve under the tongue. I had been warned that I could experience painful cramping and heavy bleeding, which would begin in 1-3 hours. I was also prescribed co-codamol to manage the pain and advised that I could also take ibuprofen.
I'm afraid that the effects of the misoprostol kicked in straight away. I barely made it out of the hospital, going to the toilet twice on the way down, and sitting on a bench outside with terrible nausea and stomach cramps. Luckily my husband had come with me - I had told him to stay at home as I didn't think I would have any symptoms until I got back - but thankfully changed my mind on the morning of the appointment. I really don't know how I would have got home without him - I was struggling to speak because of the pain. We got into a taxi - it was a ten minute journey home, which felt like a life time.
Running through the front door I went straight to the toilet where my bowel/uterus continued to cramp and contract relentlessly. It was truly the most painful experience of my life. I started to wonder what on earth I had done to myself, taking those tablets, and was I going to need more help managing this pain? The co-codamol wasn't cutting it. My husband brought me a hot water bottle for my stomach, ibuprofen and a bowl in case I was sick. I could I have thrown up so many times but the only thing giving me the strength to hold back from this was the need for the painkillers to stay down and do their job. An hour later, they took effect, and the frequency of the contractions lessened. I was able to move to the sitting room and lie on the sofa, sipping water. Gradually I was able to eat some melon and dry crackers. A couple of hours later I could walk around, and the bleeding started. It was totally manageable like heavy period. I only used a couple of sanitary pads that day.
In the early evening I messaged the very few close friends that knew we were pregnant (I didn't feel like talking to anyone on the phone). They sent some lovely words to us and my husband, who rarely cries, shed a few tears at this point. It really meant a lot - although we were so grateful to have not shared the news with everyone we knew at this stage of the pregnancy.
I am still bleeding now, a week later, and hope in another week or two it will have stopped. My changing hormones have taken their toll and I still have random crying episodes. We are keen to try to conceive again as soon as we can. It's been a very sad and emotional time for us this Christmas but I feel we have moved on well from the whole thing. I have friends that have suffered from depression for weeks and weeks after a miscarriage and without repressing my feelings in a way that isn't healthy, I really wanted to make sure that didn't happen to me. I have done this by thinking of the 'baby' we lost as an 'foetus' or 'embryo', and the miscarriage as mother nature's way of ensuring only a healthy baby comes to full term before birth - it is just part of the process of having children. I'm also grateful that this happened early on in my pregnancy.
If I had any advice to give to those who are pregnant for the first time, as I was, I would say educate yourself as much as possible about the different forms that miscarriage can take. It may seem morbid but I knew nothing about 'missed' miscarriages, and different ways of managing miscarriages. I would also advise that if you choose medical management for your miscarriage, PLEASE take ibuprofen an hour BEFORE your take misoprostol to help prevent some of the pain I experienced. And make sure you have a partner, friend or relative with you every step of the way, as you will need plenty of care and assistance.
Thank you for reading and please do share any experiences this might have brought up for you.
M x