Fear/phobia of being pregnant - please help!

[bettyboo90]

Hi everyone, first time post on here. I thought I'd join mumsnet for some help and advise as when I talk to my friends they don't seem to understand my issues.

Me and my husband are at that stage when we are thinking of starting a family. We have been together for 10 years and married for nearly 4 years. We would both love to be parents but there is one major issue in the way.... I have a terrible fear of being pregnant and giving birth.

I don't know where it comes from but since a year ago when I spoke to my GP about coming of the pill it's like my body has frozen and the thought of having a baby terrifies me so much. Last year wasn't the right time for us to try for a baby as I changed jobs and had lots going on in the family (long story!)

I think it could be related to my Mum's sudden death over 8 years ago now. Even though I have had a normal life and got engaged, bought a house, got a job and married with out my Mum etc... the thought of having a baby with out my Mum around is heart breaking. I think that may be one of the reasons why I am putting it off slightly. As my Mum's death was sudden I have bad memories of my local hospital. The thought of going there fills me with dread, even when I drive past I get anxious. It also doesn't help when my friends who have had children at the hospital slag it off and tell me horror stories.

I just can't picture myself being pregnant, the whole thought of it scares me a lot and that's not to mention the whole birth - I just worry everything will go wrong. I have been diagnosed with a condition called general anxiety disorder (after my mums death) so my husband thinks I feel like this because I have GAD but I think it's somewhere deep inside me if that makes any sense.

I have had CBT therapy before which has helped me get over issues, I think I will need to speak to a therapist again the only problem is and I hate to slag off the NHS I am currently in a 29 week waiting list to see a therapist and I just want to talk about the problem now. I was hoping to come of the pill this month and start to try but my head is all over the place.

I know most people worry about childcare costs and we do also but this is the major thing for me and I feel like I don't have anyone to help me!

I feel like the only person who feels like this? Is it normal and has anyone else felt like this? Any comments would be appreciated.

I think becoming a parent is worrying its probably the biggest thing u can ever do but maybe u arnt quite ready? I would personally say do therapy first cos it is a worrying time being pregnant and u wanna be as stress free as possible

Hi OP, I'm so sorry about your mum - I can really relate as I lost my mum very suddenly 6 years ago and really struggled with the idea of having a baby after that though I had always wanted to be a mum before. It is deeply painful to come to terms with the idea of having a baby without your mum around and it does sound like that is playing a big part in your anxiety. Sudden death of a loved one is also a big trauma to cope with and is bound to still have an impact in all sorts of ways. Therapy really helped me to work through it, I hope you might be able to get some therapeutic support soon. If you can afford it, it may be worth looking at low cost private options in your area - or perhaps Cruise bereavement counselling which is free and might have a shorter waiting list.
Try to be kind to yourself, your anxieties are coming from a place of real fear and hurt and there is nothing abnormal about how you are feeling and you are not alone. I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and though pregnancy has been super tough due to some complications I have made it through, and you will be able to as well if that's what you decide you want to do.

With regards to anxiety about hospital and birth I can totally relate there as well. Have a look at your local options, there may be a midwife led unit near you where you can give birth outside of a hospital enviroment, or you can always consider a home birth. Hypnobirthing has been brilliant for me with my anxiety and I actually now feel quite positive about birth. You could even get a hypnobirthing book at try some of the excercises before you start ttc to help change your perceptions around birth. I also really recommend 'the positive birth book'. There are things out there that can help you to feel empowered about birth and make it all a lot less scary.
Wishing you all the best with this OP, take care x

Hi op, i had a major fear of pregnancy and childbirth - I actually put it off for years because of it. I also suffer with GAD do you take medication for it? I find it helps.
I bit the bullet last year, got pregnant and you know what I had my moments when I was anxious etc but I coped so much better than i thought I would. Even giving birth I really truly surprised myself. I think for me it's the fear of the unknown and everyone tells you the horror stories, never the good easy ones!

Just think you may need to bite the bullet if you really want a family, or you will regret it later in life x

Adopt. No pregnancy/childbirth and you'd be doing something amazing!

Thanks very much for the comments back, I was starting to think I was going a bit crazy! Just when you think your anxiety levels are fine and I have worked very hard using CBT techniques they come back worse than ever. In my head every scenario has happened - still birth, not being able to get pregnant, miscarriage, leaving it too late, dying etc...
I think as my Mum was young when she died (42) that stays in my mind. I am 27 now and have always wanted to start a family before I was 30. My husband is 31 and I know he would be a great Dad. I feel like I am letting him down.

I made the first step in November by going to my GP to ask about being referred to the mental health team, I hate doing it but it had to be done. I know my mental health very well now and I was struggling. I don't take any medication as when I did before I felt it made me worse, it didn't agree with me and I didn't really sleep. My GP seems to think talking helps me and therapy. I am in the system but looking at August for my first appointment. It just shows you how many people are suffering with mental health and there just isnt the staff or budget. Because I don't tick '5' in every box of questions I get asked it is not seen as urgent.

I would go private if I could, however at this moment I cannot afford it. Thanks for the suggestion of Cruise I may give them a try to see if they can help in anyway.

I am looking forward to reading other peoples birthing stories on here in a strange way the good and the bad! All my friends like to compete on who had the worse labour! Sometimes I think it's best I don't know but I want to prepare my self.

It's not just the being pregnant and giving birth, I worry how will I cope and how likely I will be to get baby blues, not to mention the fact what I earn a day wouldn't pay for Nursery costs!! also the thought of not having Mum around and hardly any family on both sides to help. It's a mess at times but when I think of me and my husband with a little baby boy or girl it makes me so happy just a shame I don't think about that part that often!

Thanks for listening, I just need to vent, gives me good practise until I can see a therapist! haha x

Is there anyway you could organise to go private?

It feels like you have lots of unresolved feelings regarding your mums passing mixing up with the hospital as well. Would it definitely be that hospital you would end up at?

I do feel for you as my mum also passed away about 8 years from now as well. It will be hard to do it without her but not impossible.

Birth is scary but 100% worth it to meet ur baby, I think everyone gets a bit of baby blues as ur hormones r all over the place

I’m having a home birth (my first baby) as I’m uneasy about the hospital.
Read up on One to One midwives. They specialise in home births and are amazing!

As for the whole pregnancy and your grief, speak to your gp about counselling. It sounds like you could do with someone to talk everything through with. Xx

Sorry to hear about your mum

For every complaint/whine or horror story you hear there are a hundred positive stories. First time pregnancy is scary because you have no idea what to expect. I'm guilty of listening to the horror stories about birth and freaking myself put completely.

I wanted all natural, water birth and to go into labour naturally at my chosen hospital. That wasn't possible, I had to have an induction at a hospital someone had bad mouthed. I honestly had a really good experience. A nice fast labour, less than an hour, 4 pushes he was out. I'm pregnant again and really hope I get induced (I will as I'm diabetic) all the staff were lovely.

Please don't believe all the horror stories!

Thanks again for the comments. I think you just presume that every woman gives birth in a hospital. I never really thought of the other options before.

I've had a good think and me and my hubby have agreed to stay on the pill for another 3 months to allow me time to get my head around it all. I have thought about what my old CBT therapist would have said to me - list the negatives and positives etc....

I think I could do with talking to a midwife who could maybe calm me and talk to me about it (I do know one)

I had a dream about being pregnant a few days ago but it was very calm feeling which was nice.

Funny enough I spotted an article about it before -‘I'm terrified of having an alien in me’: women with pregnancy phobia -
www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/item/3cc78638-171e-4542-806e-8f9d0c1ad243?ns_campaign=bbc-three&ns_mchannel=social&ns_source=facebook&ns_linkname=tokophobia

I thought I was the only one who felt like it.

I think that speaking to a midwife is a really great idea!

Sorry if anyone has already mentioned this ...not got time to read all replies but wanted to say that when my anxiety got really bad, I opted for a charity CBT team. I had to pay a 'donation' (think I paid around £20 per 1 hour session) which was cheaper than the private therapists in my area. Like you I felt desperate to speak to someone and couldn't wait for NHS. Good luck x