Staying at my in Laws for Xmas - HELP!

[CL1982]

Hi everyone - I'm hoping someone can help with this little quandary and has some helpful ideas or tips.... :D

We don't live near either sets of parents - one lot is up North and the other lot are down South and we're in the middle. We get on well with both sets - my folks live in a large house so i still have my own room (35...i know i know.....) which we stay in when we go down and will have loads of space for the baby plus I have a quite nice double bed which we stay in with a proper mattress. That is all good.

His folks live in a much smaller 3 bed and they have turned both spare rooms into office or craft rooms. When we go up there we stay on a pull out bed with a mattress topper.

My issues are as follows:

1. We're both 6 foot and so aren't small people! The bed has always been small but now i'm 30 weeks it's very small
2. The topper did ok while i was normal weight but now it's just not enough and makes my hips really hurt when i sleep on it (and of course it's all side sleeping now so has made it worse - I used to just sleep on my back if it got sore)
3. We have no room in the room aside from some space at the side and a space for our bag (you couldn't fit a suitcase there) at the bottom of the bed.
4. His dad is recovering from health issues and can be quite touchy in general plus, you know, In laws, so I can't wade in there and demand a better bed AND it's always tricky when it comes to getting your partner to raise things when they really don't want to. This is a job for DH and the two of us are a little concerned about how we bring it up especially as we're going up on Saturday (I should state we only stayed on the bed with me heaily preggers this past weekend).

So......we're spending Christmas there. 4 nights. I'm bloody DREADING it!! My first question is, any ideas how i can make the bed more comfy without offending either of them or them offering up their bed (CRINGE - they're nearly 70 - they can't go on this thing either!!!)?

And then what on earth are we going to do when bubs arrives?! We can't fit them in either room with us (we bought a travel cot but did some measuring and that's not going to work with the space we have) so even assuming they're in their own room by 4-6 months, we'll have gone up for a visit before then.

So many worries and questions. Help me women of Mumsnet - you're my only hope! Just to say, staying at a hotel or with friends is not an option as it would break the specified set of parents hearts! We feel we'll just lump it for Xmas and then raise it in the New Year maybe....??

I should add i sound very calm but am actually irrationally pissed off about it all!!!!

I'm sorry but if their DIL having a comfy bed while she's heavily pregnant will break their hearts, then they deserve to be broken.

It is utterly ridiculous to expect you to stay somewhere you can't get a good nights sleep and if there's no room for a cot then there is no room.

Just refuse to play this stupid game. Book a hotel and tell them it's because you need a comfy bed. If they offer to swap beds, say "no you need a comfy bed too and the hotel is booked".

We previously stayed at SIL as she wanted us to and we had previously stayed at a hotel nearby. The bed was so uncomfortable my OH's back was sore for a week. So now there is no debate. We stay in a hotel nearby. We can still be there for a full day but we're rested.

You're all grown ups. You all know what a bad nights sleep is like. Stop playing games.

Thanks @ClareB83 I honestly would do but a hotel over Christmas is going to be a little past our remit! I do absolutely take your point. This is not about games though - it's one of those veeeeery delicate family things where we don't want to totally upset/offend but honestly, I'm with you. It's pissing me off now.

I was just chatting to a colleague in work and she thinks I need to get DH into gear asap. I think we're actually overly reasonable about things and we should really have kicked off about this ages ago but as the 'reasonable' DIL it's very hard for me to get serious and lay down an ultimatum without coming over a total Princess (not that I think i'm in any way being a Princess about this - I agree, it's f-ing ridiculous to put a pregnant woman on a pull out bed).

Is it fair to say I think DH needs to man up on this one?!?! We need to ask how his dad's test results came back so assuming all went well i'm going to ask him to have a chat with them today. DH had said we'd just pay for a mattress but honestly.....why should we?! We invested in a lovely bed for them when they stay at ours.....

Book a hotel?

Oops didn’t read you can’t. When I stay at my mums her spare bedroom mattress is less than ideal when I’m pregnant so her and my step dad sleep in the spare bed and let me sleep in their bed. Can’t they do that? Or just get an inflatable mattress, you can actually get really good ones now!

I pressed enter too early!
When I was pregnant with my youngest I had SPD and the only thing that helped was blowing up the inflatable mattress so my hips had something to sink into. It was wonderful. Have a look, there’s really decent ones available and they aren’t pricy

Would it be possible for them to come to visit you? Maybe just say all the travelling is really difficult for you when you're heavily pregnant as well and you'd really appreciate it if they could come to you this time? Then maybe broach the subject of room for the baby in the new year.

@Kittypillar has a point. It’s a little cringe you’re expected to travel when pregnant anyway

@BigBaboonBum you legend - you might be on to a winner there......I'll ask DH this lunchtime. I have had a look and they have some really good ones on the aerobed website.....

@Kittypillar You do have a point. We're so used to bombing up and down the M1 and M25 we're actually quite hard core!!!! I haven't had a difficult pregnancy up to now so I'm not finding travel too hard (so far!!)....I think if i had SPD there would be no question, we'd be at home for xmas and they'd have to come to us.

But that comes with its own set of problems - they'd come with the bloody dog (lovely but slobbery), I'd feel i had to do loads of the cooking.....I plan to sit a lot of the time over xmas and let them get on with it tbh whereas if i'm at home my Hyacinth tenancies come out to play :D

Hope it helps!

When you visit with the young baby, you can considerately stay in a hotel so that you don't wake them up at night/require the heating on all night for when you are getting up constantly.
(I am still considerately staying in a hotel with my 3yr old, though I think that might wear out soon)

@BestZebbie Actually a good idea...... :D

See, I knew Mumsnet would fix it!!

I found this and I think this might work.... www.aerobed-europe.com/UK/p-26315-platinum-raised-airbed-double.aspx

Looks comfy!!

In the situation where you want to be at theirs (so you don't have to host) and you don't want to pay for a hotel, I agree an air bed may be a good idea. We just got one for DM for after the babies are born.

But, hotels may be less than you think. Where my SIL lives isn't exactly a nice Xmas break area so the hotel is less than normal.

Also, it just sets a precedent. If there is any physical way to fit baby and cot into their house how will you ever justify staying elsewhere? Could you afford a hotel for less nights?

I find the best way around veeeery delicate irrational family nonsense is to pretend it doesn't exist eg SIL is sad we didn't stay over last time despite having no decent bed, doesn't tell us this just PIL. We book hotel. When asked it's because their sofa bed is too uncomfortable. No debate about feelings etc. It's a fact. Bed is uncomfortable. It's a solution. Hotel bed is not.

Or another example. PIL don't believe in immunisations. OH needs to know if he had any so he can get jabbed before our holiday. He asks them which he's had. No debate about the pros and cons/their ridiculous views. Got the info he needed. Got jabs.

Sometimes it's a lot easier to pretend irrational bullshit doesn't exist than engage with it. Also hard to get mad at someone who isn't arguing but just arranging their own thing.

If anyone who was 35 weeks pregnant came to my house, I'd give up my bed for them.

I went to DH cousins house as few weeks ago at around 20 weeks pregnant and they gave us their master bedroom as I'm pregnant and themselves slept on a sofa bed.

Hey everyone - well, DH had words with his folks. They have an extra layer they're going to put on the pull out and see how I do (I'll make sure i'm doing lots of yoga and stretching while there i think) and then if that doesn't work they're giving up their bed. My FIL is a little obsessive so i think he'll actually have a better solution when we get there.

They have also agreed that we need to talk about more long term bed situation and that we need to think about bub's more long term solution to when we stay as well so much good has come out of it.

Thanks so much to everyone who has helped out with this. It's been incredible