I think I made a mistake getting pregnant again

[Pansy0926]

Beware of the huge outpouring of sorrow following....don’t read if you can’t be bothered with whining, I’m just panicking.

I’m going for my 12 week scan in a week and a half and I’m terrified that, with my fear of actually having this baby, something will be wrong. I have a two year old and we decided not long after he was born that he would be an only child. However this decision was mainly pushed by DH , and though I now think that eventually I might have decided it on my own, at the time my attitude was that I didn’t agree, but decided not to argue too much as it was too early to be having that discussion. I told DH as much.

Let’s be clear here -I freely admit I’m not a people person let alone the type of person who likes children. I love my own little boy however, though I struggle with everything social that comes with parenting. Not so much lack of sleep, enforcing discipline and routine and the ‘responsibility’ parts, though they are not easy, but more interacting with other parents and kids, teaching him to be sociable etc, as I very much struggle with social anxiety. What makes me feel worst of all is that I struggle to just get down on the floor and play with him. I just am terrible at playing, and whenever I have tried to steer him towards something I can do well with him, like crafts or colouring in - we’ll he’s two, his attention span is non existent so it rarely lasts more than a couple of minutes and creates a huge mess. He’s a good boy in general, even I can tell this, but I guess my personality type isn’t suited to child rearing.

When our first born was a year and a half it was a bit of a golden time. DH and I had switched roles, he was the stay at home parent and I went to a new job as a shop assistant which I grew really attached to. The mix of a nice part time job where I could still come home and be a parent only half of the time made me forget how hard being a mum could be, and I started to get broody. After months of hormone fuelled pleading, DH gave in and now I am pregnant. Iv been working less and parenting my son more and reality has set in. I am not good at this parenting crap. What was I thinking? How will I cope? Iv not worn makeup regularly (as in at least once every month) since I was pregnant with our first baby three years ago. I have no hobbies and no time and motivation to start any. I have not been shopping in forever - I own one pair of bottoms (heavily worn holy jeans) and the same top in four different colours. I have a bag of casts offs from my friend that I dip into if I have to but she’s a few sizes bigger than me, and tbh I almost always wear either PJs or my work uniform so I don’t often wear my own casual clothes. What the hell happened to me? I didn’t get PND last time, but I bet I get it this time round.

I have only myself to blame, it was 100% my own decision to get pregnant , both times.

I’m a little annoyed that DH had to be so damn adamant about only having one child, because it made me fight against him more. If he hadn’t cared so much, I probably would have come to my senses. I had a hole in my life and I decided to fill it with another baby.

Jesus I am such a mess. I’m 26 and it feels like I have done nothing with my life. I have a happy family/Home life which others would kill for but I have done next to no travelling, we are dirt poor and my uni degree led to nothing. The only thing I can say is at least in our thirties and forties we will be more free to live our lives. There are people out there would would kill to be able to be pregnant, and here I am doing it when we are in no position to -emotionally or financially. We were poor before, but hell I grew up that way (my mother used to not only buy the cheap value washing up liquid, but dilute it with water too) so poverty seemed normal, but then about a month into the pregnancy things got very much worse and it’s so hard. We are borrowing money from family to get by and I am wracked with guilt. We can not pinch the pennies any more to save up - I was always already doing the little tricks and tips to save money and DH is sick of living off turnip and cabbage casseroles from WW2 recipe books.

Don’t get me wrong, baby no 2 will be loved to bits and will not want for anything as we are slowly getting back to normal, but like today, there will be times when my son will scream and sit down in a puddle on the way to nursery, spend the day hitting me and calling me ‘naughty mummy’ and this time I will need to cope with it with a newborn strapped to me, and god help me if it has reflux or any other sort of problem. It scares me so much, especially when my son was such an easy baby but I still struggled.

I am freaking out. How can I be excited for a baby and yet dread it so much too?

Just want to add before anyone has a go at me for bringing a baby into poverty...when I decided to get pregnant we were doing quite well and had been for a year. We had a bit of savings, could buy decent food etc. Things went sharply downwards afterwards due to a specific thing which I won’t get into. But just to be clear my child still eats and gets clothes and birthday gifts etc as if nothing has changed. I don’t let this affect even my husband if I can manage it.

Hi OP. You beat yourself up about a lot. Reading between the lines you have a lovely son, a DH who seems to care about you (your desires, your career) and who enjoys and is good at being a stay at home dad, a home and a job you enjoy. That's quite a lot to be really happy and proud of, but you've focussed on the less-so-great bits (which is understandable!).

You wanted this baby for a long time and I'm sure when s/he comes along they'll settle right into your family unit and you won't be able to imagine them not being there.

Do you have any family around you for real life support? I find that nothing beats a good rant and whinge to a friend or family member from time to time! Failing that, have you thought about visiting your GP? They could arrange for someone for you to talk to and I'm sure would be able to tell you that lots of the feelings you are having are totally normal. Having a family is really hard work, takes patience and requires finding the joy in very little things. You have a lot to be really proud of and I hope you can see that - please don't be so down on yourself. Try and speak to someone about it (your husband too, if you haven't already).

Please have a chat with your gp or midwife and think about getting referred to the perinatal mental health team. If only to be assessed, it certainly reads that you could very well be struggling with antenatal depression and/or anxiety. I struggle just the same as you with regards to the playing and social side. I also suffer depression and anxiety but had even before pregnancy, my lb is nearly 3 and I am 28 weeks pregnant. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Phew. I almost decided not to read this as I wasn’t so worried about being judged for what I wrote, and that I would feel worse for reading the replies.

Thanks scooby, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. It’s more helpful than you might realise to know that.

Eastdulwichwife you have made me think a lot about how isolated I am. Tbh I don’t have a lot of support. None of my friends are anywhere near the ‘settling down’ period in their life, they’re still living the single life and I don’t know any other mums well enough to know how they’re coping...so I feel quite alone. I don’t really have a close bond with my family either. I think I just need to remind myself that having this all go around in my head with no outlet does make it all seem worse than it is.

I’m not the type to not get help if I need it. I think I am just being a bit overly worried about everything though.

Ps. Maybe I really do need help. I was nearly in tears reading the replies and that probably says a lot. These are the sorts of things I would never admit to friends and family in real life for fear of ‘I told you so’’s

I dont think you're a bad mother. And I don't think there is such thing as not having a personality that suits rearing a child.
I think people parent in different ways. And what's natural to a parent is unique in each individual. Don't beat yourself up over it, it's who you are and that's not a bad thing. You're still a mother, and a very loving one indeed.
My mum wasn't the most outdoorsy sociable person, she was also from india and when i was little she worked from home during the 80s and 90s so I never went out for social interaction with other kids as I stayed home hanging around her legs or with my grandma. Ive turned out to be a very sociable person as ive grown up and i love my mother more than anything. Because she tried and tried hard for all her kids.
As long as you're trying your best, you will always BE the best parent. That is what both your children will see.
It's okay if your ds has the attention span of dory, so do most kids at 2. But they have so much energy to want to play for like 30 hours a day, it's impossible for any parent to keep up with them. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

What you're experiencing is perfectly normal parenting. You're doing a brilliant job and your concern shows you're a good mother. You have a fabulous hubby who's happy to be a stay at home parent too.

Take a step back. And just appreciate what you have. You will make it work. Don't stress or over think, it's not worth it. Plus ds will have a playmate soon....They can play with each other (hurrah!)

Just to add. Defo speak to your midwife too. The more you talk about it the better you may feel.xx

I feel like you have wrote my life for me I’m currently 14weeks with my third and now I’m starting to regret it. God knows how I will cope I absolutely HATE meeting ppl and going to Mum and baby groups. I’m 23 and I have no friends with kids. All I do know is these little monkeys mean the world to me and once we get over this baby stage I know it will all be fine. So will you xxxx

I'll probably get flamed but if you don't want this pregnancy there is the option of getting a termination. You need to put your wellbeing first.

I think just be gentle with yourself. Kids aren't always little forever. Honestly, I find the toddler bit hard and I would literally self destruct if I had to be home full-time. It's not for me. But since I went back to work full-time, it's much easier. I just find the interaction so full on, talking and interacting with a child all day, every day, exhausting and frankly kind of boring. Like I love my husband, but equally I would not want to be stuck at home with him all day every day either! It's just full on, no matter who it is. My work involves people, but there are moments of quiet as well and it's a good mix of alone time and socialisation. I think that's perfectly okay. Not many people do enjoy that all day every day.

But it's not always that hard. Now that my first is older (5) and in school and I'm back to work full-time and also get breaks (I go away on work travel, sometimes for extended periods, a week or so at a time a few times a year, also get a weekend or two to myself away each year, as does my dh), it's much easier. Yes, you will have to do it all a second time and it will be intense, but it gets easier when they get older and you have more time to yourself again.