Adjusting to maternity leave

[Swollen88]

I'm on day 2 of maternity leave and despite being kept extremely busy with home improvements, I'm struggling to mentally adjust to my new role of "housewife".

With the end in sight I know my body needs me to stop work and wind down as I'm so drained and tired but mentally I've gone from a successful career in an extremely high pressured job, making important decisions all day long to spending the day doing nothing mentally challenging other than deciding what to cook the DH for dinner!

Any tips on adjusting to the change?

I finished work today...
Nervous about tomorrow and fearful I won't be able to switch off!

Almost feel guilty about it - I'm hoping I can learn to embrace it! Xx

Trust me, as soon as your baby arrives you’ll look back wistfully at the couple of weeks you had where deciding what to cook DH was the only thing you needed to worry about.

It is an adjustment and I was like you - prior to mat leave I was a full time lawyer working in private practice in the City - I didn’t know what to do with myself the first week of mat leave. I genuinely thought I’d learn a new language with all my “spare time”. Then I had a health complication and had to be induced a little early - so I really only had a week and a bit of twiddling my thumbs before DD arrived. After that it was a blur of sleep deprivation and feeding non-stop (though lovely it was incredibly tiring). Now at 8months old she is an absolute joy and our days are filled with groups, playtime, learning and just enjoying one another — though very different to normal working life, it has been a wonderful time. I go back to work in 8 weeks and am pretty sad about it (although looking forward to some adult time).

Enjoy this time - the first few weeks waiting for the baby seem to last forever, but the rest of it passes very quickly. Batch cook and freeze meals, read books and get lots of sleep.

Good luck

I've been off since 35 weeks due to not being too well. Now only 38 and few days... there is only so much cleaning and sorting and stuff you can do. Sure you can catch up on sleep and go to appointments but I haven't left the house in over a week now due to being in the countryside surrounded by snow and ice which isn't going away.
Cabin fever is proper setting in and I'm miserable.
Just keep yourself busy but not busy enough to cause you pain like I do out of boredom.
Alot of people say to go.out and enjoy yourself a little too before the baby comes
... hoping I can do that myself soon too but not looking likely with more bad weather on the way.

Another full time lawyer working in private practice in the City - I hate to be negative, but I never did really adjust to maternity leave and 12 months seemed like forever. I'm saying this just because you shouldn't beat yourself up if it doesn't suit you! I love being a mum and I love work - but I wasn't happy just being at home for a year anymore than I'd be happy just being at work for a year!

I'm going on maternity leave tomorrow afternoon. I'm 32 and I've had a job and/or been in full time education since 14. I'm looking forward to it and am looking forward to sleeping. My job is stressful too. I'm 36 weeks and I'm so tired and still vomiting! I'm desperate to go off but feel really anxious about it too. So much needs sorting but haven't got the energy to do it. Think I'll sleep and relax as much as possible.

@thingymaboob your response is exactly what I would have written last week if someone else made my post. I just don't feel how I expected to.

I think I've mentally prepared myself for caring for the baby and doing all the baby related stuff but didn't really consider this will make me a housewife for a year and all the home chores will be my responsibility.

I work with my DH and we both have the same role and I feel like we've gone from being equals to me being his little housewife serving him. Don't get me wrong, I understand I should do all the household chores because I'm the one at home all day but quite simply I don't want to.

I've only just realised that this is what's bothering me and guess I need to think about it a bit more as I'd never belittle the role of growing a baby and being on maternity leave/ a SAHM for anyone else, so why am I doing it for myself.

Maternity leave doesn’t = “this will make me a housewife for a year and all the home chores will be my responsibility”!!

Is this what you have agreed with your H? Or is this an expectation you or he have placed on you without discussion? Your primary responsibility will be caring for the baby when you are home alone with her/him. If you manage to do other household tasks around that then great. But your baby will have two parents who are jointly responsible for the household tasks

Agree with HerSymphony. Like you OP, I made the mistake of thinking that all the household chores were my responsibility while I was on maternity leave. I had underestimated firstly how much more there would be to do after the baby arrived, secondly how much I hate doing housework and how resentful I would feel, and thirdly how easy it was for both me and DH to start accepting that this was my role (even after I went back to work). You can avoid all that by making sure that your DH continues to pull his weight around the house, as well as with the baby.

Enjoy a few weeks of Christmas and baby prep. Get yourself a massage, facial enjoy some me time.

Declutter if you can make the house easy to tidy and clean.

Looking after a baby is a full time 24/7 job. And that doesn't include housework. Don't put expectations on yourself to have a gleaming house, dinners from scratch, and a perfectly contented baby.
I'm half convinced unreasonable expectations is why mum's end up with PND.

I found it very hard the first time, both the end of maternity leave and the first few months. Are there any projects / hobbies you can get into - I did the photo albums for a couple of big holidays we'd not got around to doing. I also got into making our own bread. There are free online courses you could do?

I did settle into really enjoying maternity leave once DS started being a bit more interactive. The trick for me was to get out and do something every day, and get adult conversation. Other people obviously find other ways of coping, 3 month old babies are pretty portable so you can take them along e.g. to a museum for a shorter visit. We continued to split the house work pretty evenly, I had a difficult birth and then spent almost all of the day feeding at first.so there wasn't any choice inìtially and then we were in the routine of it. I also had the perspective that I was off work to look after the baby. I picked up extra chores when it didn't bother me to do so (e.g. laundry and food shopping) but we mostly did the cleaning together at the weekend.

I went on at 35 weeks, it was great.

I was in agony everyday, took kids to school and went for a nap as I was usually up all night.

Enjoy your time to yourself before baby arrives. Catch up on sleep, box sets, friends, swimming etc.

Good luck op.

Currently on mat leave. Hated the first few weeks before the baby came. Left work at 34 weeks as had loads of holiday to use up but basically spent the first six weeks moping round the house. After working/studying continuously since being 17 it felt strange having all the free time and feeling like my days had no structure also meant it was hard to motivate myself to do anything. I'd originally planned six weeks of watching all the films and tv series I'd not got round to watching but the reality was I found it hard to concentrate. Was also suffering from really bad insomnia but that's made the sleepless nights a lot easier.

Enjoying it loads now he's here but completely agree with what PP have said re house hold chores. I try and get some done during the day but not at the expense of spending time with my son. I keep saying to myself I'm on maternity leave and NOT cleaning leave. It is a strange feeling when you've always worked to find yourself in a "housewife" position but you never get this time back so enjoy it while you can 😃

Thanks ladies!

It's an expectation I've put on myself, as I didn't think it was fair for him to work all day and then come home and do stuff whilst I've sat around.

The pressure is added at the moment because we are having a new kitchen fitted so I'm either in a building site or have to go out all day. Which means I then only have the evenings to do anything and everything needs cleaning every night before I can even try and do dinner.

I do just want to add that my DH is very helpful around the house especially doing all the stuff I can't do, but I think this adds to my unease as we've very much fallen into the stereotypical his and her roles, which really isn't me!

I'll have a chat with DH tonight and hopefully things will be easier from next week once the kitchen is done.

You really really won’t be just “sitting around” whilst caring for the baby - you will have been working as hard as he is, if not harder. Don’t underestimate how time consuming it is, and be kind to yourself

i understand I should do all the household chores because I'm the one at home all day but quite simply I don't want to.

This is your error. No, you don’t. Unless you’re on housework leave. Are you on housework leave? No? Maternity leave right. That means your job is to look after the baby while dh is out at work. When dh is Home, things still get split 50:50.

The above point is crucial. Say dh is out of the house 6:30-7 daily. That’s one FTE. During that time you look after the infant. Should you have time to do house stuff fabulous but that’s not your main function.

Now when DH is Home, that’s say 11.5 hours of the day left, and during that time you do EQUAL work. He does not get to come home and kick his shoes off for a brandy and a pipe while you continue to donchild wrangling. If you do that you will effectively be working a triple shift because you will be up half the night as well.

When dh is out, treat that like your workday. When he’s home, he pitches in.

I'm starting my mat leave next week. At 29 weeks. Because my job is very physical and stressful especially this time of year.
Altho only part time I can see where you're coming from.
I've had holidays to use to have only done about 12, shifts since Oct half term.. But at the moment I've had the preparation for Xmas to keep occupied. And buying all the baby stuff.. Yep that bored I've got literally everything already.
I'm already thinking after the rush of Xmas.. What am. I going to do with myself.. There's only so many people you can go and have a catch up with etc lol.
The only thing I'll have to do is hospital bag and wash dry and iron baby things.. Which lets face it is only a days ' work'

Regarding housework etc. To be honest I've always done it. A, because I'm only part time and b, because I like it done my way lol. However if I don't want to or don't feel like it dp just does it. He gets annoyed that I do. It all but I like it that it's done so when he's home it's eat dinner, shower and chill.

Honestly, you won't be able to do it all when baby comes. Some days dh comes home to a clean and tidy house with dinner cooked. Other days he comes home to a screaming baby, me in my dressing gown and nothing done all day - not even the breakfast dishes! He just comes home and pitches in.
I think you're grossly underestimating how time consuming a baby can be

I agree, I think maybe you need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I only had 4 days of maternity leave before I went into labour. I don't think I did a damn thing around the house in those days. I mean, I organised a bit of baby stuff and I might have cleaned a little (but no more than I normally would have when we were both working full-time). I spent about 2 days shopping (I was having a home birth so needed lots of bits for the birth, so went into town and sorted all that) and I went to lunch. And then I spent a day at the spa. Yes, you are home, but you aren't necessarily a 'housewife.' Carry on doing what you'd always do. You must have a system where you both take care of household chores, keep with that (in fact, your dh will soon take over more of them when baby arrives because you'll be exhausted and sore and that will be your sole focus). If that's not possible and you have the money and it really bothers you, get a cleaner. But I would enjoy these days and think of them as like annual leave. It's time you have off for yourself before a massive physical and emotional change. Read a book, go out for coffee or lunch, go see a film, go for a massage or for a swim, go to the gym or for a walk, etc. You won't have time to yourself again for a long time probably and when you do go back to work, everything will be much more difficult and it will be like having 2 full time jobs then. So make the most of this lull.

I have a fantastic career, much more prestigious than my dh, a PhD, a lot of responsibility in my career, etc. but maternity leave is a time to re-charge and recover and get time with family that won't be so easy soon. I found ways to appreciate the break, while my poor dh still trudged off to work after a night of no sleep, and went back appreciating my professional life even more. That said, I would go gentle on yourself because renovations are stressful under the best of circumstances and I think you're right that once you have your kitchen finished, things will be easier. In the meantime, I wouldn't stress about cleaning and cooking, just get takeaway or go out for dinner and make it as easy on yourself as you can until it's done.

Everyone is in DIY hell on their mat leave. I left the office at 1pm today in tears. Feel really overwhelmed by the start of mat leave. I must be bat shit crazy.

I started my maternity leave on 1st December. It was weird at first and I freaked out and cried a lot about being a 'housewife' stuck in all day with nothing to do but actually since then I've really settled in to it, I've been super busy with Christmas prep and putting all my hobbies first for once and I'm really enjoying it.

This is a very unique moment in time, you are off work with a baby due very soon. Enjoy it, because once baby is here it will be a whole new world to get used to.
Your maternity leave once the baby is here will be unrecognizable from what it is now, so sit back and enjoy it :)

For me I use listening to audiobooks/podcasts/radio 4 to keep my brain active and stop boredom. I listen to them pretty much all the time when at home on my own. I like fiction, history and politics(between iTunes and radio 4 I am sorted), but a friend of mine has subscribed to lots of Harvard business and economics lectures. The beauty is you can listen while you do humdrum household jobs/diy. I find this, combined with seeing people(adults) regularly, makes what could feel like life of drudgery(once your baby arrives anyway), feel very pleasant.

'I work with my DH and we both have the same role and I feel like we've gone from being equals to me being his little housewife serving him. Don't get me wrong, I understand I should do all the household chores because I'm the one at home all day but quite simply I don't want to. '

Really, really, just don't. Don't get into that routine.

I am on day 3 of maternity leave, 37 weeks. I’ve gone completely feral and I’m loving it. I think I’m banking all the mooching about non time that I won’t have for the next ooo 18 years or so.

Today I:

• ate some breakfast
• helped boyfriend with some excel format issues
• lay on the bed listening to an audiobook and playing candy crush
• re-arranged some medical appointments and prescriptions
• gave boyfriend a lift to the station
• met health visitor
• mooched about and petted the cat
• went to cafe, picked up a prescription and bought some groceries
• mooched about some more
• made a cake
• made dinner that I like because boyfriend is away
• put a wash on

Things I have still not done:

• finished packing a hospital bag
• found somewhere to store baby clothes
• hoovered

-cleaned the sink

• cleaned the oven

It looks like a long list but I’ve done everything very slowly. I am telling baby to hang on because I’ve still got some things to sort out, and i’d like to have some actual leave if I can.

You don’t have to ‘be’ housewife, if you see what I mean. You can be you, taking on tasks that keep the house going. You are also growing a baby, and then caring for a baby. You don’t have to justify your existence by doing. You can also just be. My opinion is having the opportunity to just be in pregnancy is a valuable thing to do, and you don’t always get it. Have a practice at just being too. Having had a fairly easy pregnancy, I’m getting to the point where I need to take breaks between tasks and I’m ok with that. I am practicing just being :)

I also had a realisation earlier in pregnancy that I could still contribute even though my role had changed. I tend to be quite hands on, and it was weird to be doing support role for diy whilst relatives were doing the heavy lifting (literally). But my role was still valid, even though it was different to what I habitually do.

My mum had some auto immune issues when we were kids, and fortunately recovered. She said something about that time which stuck with me, which was that she realised her ‘job’ was to look after her health and she had to prioritise that. So from being someone who is very much a doer, she had to cut right back. It helped her to approach it as how she contributed to the family. So here, that’s what you are doing. You’re doing a job of being pregnant, and a job of raising a child.

And yes, download a lot of audiobooks :) your local library is likely to have a scheme where you can borrow e-audiobooks. I’ve used ours for a few years and put them on my phone. I have them on when I’m doing less demanding household tasks, is brilliant.

Enjoy your Mat leave and cherish it. I returned to work on monday in a new job, my head is still spinning at how fast 8 months flew by and I miss DD so badly when i’m away from her. I’m glad to be back in work but my gosh, it is tough.