telling friend i'm pg after she's just lost her 2nd baby.........

[TheTeaLady]

.........her 2nd miscarriage was a few weeks ago. she'd told us about that pregnancy because she was just so so excited.
she doesn't yet know i'm pregnant(9 weeks). my baby is due one week after hers would have been.
i got the BFP the day before her miscarriage.
they then went on holiday so i haven't seen her since. she was understandably really really upset.
when i found out about my pg all i could think of was telling her because i knew she'd be so excited we were going to go on this big adventure together.
she really really wants kids, and we were pretty blase. it seems so unfair.
i know she'll be absolutely thrilled for us, but i'm so sad for her.
... just wanted to get this off my chest!

Don't worry Tealady, your friend will be upset but she will won't to be happy for you. You sound like such a lovely person worrying about your friend, try to enjoy being pregnant, I'm sure your friend will conceive soon so maybe you will have a chance to share the experience.
XXX

Sorry I meant she will WANT to be happy for you (not won't).
bad typing!!

I've been in this situation - on both sides - was pg with dd when close relation lost 2 pgs; also have had 3 mc and watched friends deliver babies around the time mine would have been due.

My advice would be to acknowledge her pg and losses - don't avoid talking about them. Let her talk about it if she wants to. Maybe when you tell her about your pg say something along the lines of 'I appreciate this is very difficult for you. If ever you want to talk / cry /scream I'm here for you'

Also, try and be quite sensitive around her as yr pg progresses - don't presume she will want to always see your scan pictures etc. It did used to irritate me when friends would moan to me about niggles of pg - their sickness / backache / fatness etc.

She may not be the first round to see your baby. She may prefer just to send card / pressie by post. Remember, this is about her and her grief and is not a snub to you in any way. It is difficult for you, as you may feel guilt even though obviously you have nothing to feel guilty for.

I had just miscarried last year in October and a few days later my best friend found out she was pg. She was actually with me in the hospital when things started going wrong but I knew they were trying and really hoped she would get pg.

She was understandably worried about telling me but was very sensitive and I'm so happy for her!

I was surrounded by pg people at the time and although I was really pleased for them, I did tend to avoid them - only because I didn't want to be a reminder of what can happen. I didn't avoid her though because we talked about it as we talk about everything and I couldn't let my experience get in the way of my happiness for her.

The good news is that I am now pg again so we are still pg together - she is due end of June and I am due in Sept!

Sounds like you are a very sensitive person and I'm sure she is happy for you, she might just need a bit of time to get her head around it. There may come a point where you both feel you can talk about it openly like we did and that can really help.

Tealady I know exactly how you are feeling. We'd just got back from our honeymoon and thought we'd start TTC and I got pregnant straight away! I felt very guilty at the time as I have a number of friends who are desperately TTC and it did seem unfair that we'd just started trying.

don't get me wrong - we are over the moon!- but as soon as I got pregnant I wanted all my friends to get pregnant too...

One of my friends who mc has avoided meeting up with me but I totally respect her decision in this, as I realise it must be really hard for her. I have tried to avoid "going on" about being pregnant and showing off my scan pics but at the same time you need to remember to enjoy the pregnancy!

I know how you feel. I have a couple of friends who are finding it very difficult to conceive (several years trying) and I have just fallen pg with my second very quickly after starting trying. I was dreading telling them as it seems so unfair and I know that even though they would try to be pleased for me they would also be upset. One friend in particular is having a very hard time and I told her this week. I suspect she will now distance herself from me which I understand though I am saddened by it. I just SO hope she will get pregnant soon and that our friendship will come through the other side of this.

My advice would be not to act too excited by your news, acknowldege how difficult this must be for her and to think carefully about how you talk about it as when people are in pain they tend to "look" for hurt even where none is intended.

I was in the situation where my friend got pregnant aftre we had had x2 mc and were desperatly trying...I so tried to prepare myself for the day she would tell me her great news and knew it would happen one day BUT I just prayed that I would get there before iykwim...

I know how happy you want to be knowing you are expecting but please be sensitive to your friend. Yeah sure she will be thrilled for you BUT try and be aware that she may not want to be looing at baby things with you etc atm. Time will change her hopefully but you have to support her 100%. Pregnancy is a cruel thing when its what you want and you can't have it, even if for a moment.

With our 1st mc a couple in our group told us they were expecting the week we mc (knowing what had happened). Their baby was due to same time as ours would have been. Sadly that was the last time we saw them till we conceived dd.They were close friends and I really couldn't handle seeing them and their dd. Things have changed and we now speak etc. It was just that I was jealous. BUT with my friend, although I was jealous I didn't want things to be affected as we are close friends. They didn't shove the pregnancy in our face and were so thrilled for us when we found out about dd, we are godparents to each's child. AND in fact we have now overtaken everyone and now have a dd and ds..!!!

You sound like a brill friend so please be there for her...also be prepared for possible strains around certain milestones..ie date their baby would have been due and when you start showing etc. Sometimes a pregnancy doesn't seem real till the bump appears....
Good luck to your friend as well...she is in my prayers.
Good luck and congratulations to you as well. xx

meant to say "they weren't close friends"

I agree with plp by he way...With my close friend before I fell pregnant with dd I sat down and told her how hard it was mc and having people around who are pregnant. I told her that the issues were not because of her but because of the situation. Because I had told her I finally felt relieved. She was glad I was so honest with her and in fact it brought us closer.
Yeah sure we both cried but mainly because we knew that our friendship was not changing because of US but because of the situation. Its so hard expalining to people how you feel following a mc esp when they haven't been through one themselves.

Just to say I agree on the talking front. Most likely your friend will desperately want to be happy for you, whether she'll be able to is a different matter. But if you keep talking and make sure she knows it's ok to be upset - and for to back off if she's making you too upset - then you'll get through it. Good luck to both of you.