Uni or babies? After a loss, with EDS (I’m a wreck lol)

[Mirana]

Hi Guys,

Soul searching tonight. Well, I have been for a few weeks, but wondering if anyone wiser can give me some advice. I’m 27 and in the middle of an adult learning course to get into uni. My uni application was sent off a few weeks ago, and it’s suddenly all becoming quite real. If I get into uni, I won’t qualify until 31, then would need to work for a year to qualify for mat leave so I’d be looking at starting ttc at 32.

I have already had one loss at 10 weeks, in 2015, so I’m scared from that perspective. I also used to have an eating disorder so now ovulate irregularly (at least that’s what the doctors blame it on) and also have EDS. It isn’t going to be an easy road.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like sooner is more sensible in minimising health and miscarriage risks, and I could defer uni until 2019, and try for a baby now, but if it doesn’t happen I’m just delaying the next opportunity to even further away, and being miserable meanwhile. If I commit to uni, I’ll quit my job when I start so lose mat leave, and because I studied a year at uni before I will not get the funding to defer mid course should we try whilst I study. It’s either wait 4.5 years or do it now and I have no idea what to do.

I desperately want a baby, we could afford it and have a loving stable relationship and have an amazing little dog too. I’m just really torn on what to do :(

Any help much appreciated x

So if you do uni and ttc at the same time would a baby be a disaster?
It took me 4 years to conceive, that’s a long time to put off work things.
It’s weird but before my mc I was not too bothered either way, babies would be great but no babies would be fine, after mc I was desperate for babies, and lovely as they are they’re bloody hard work, my original position was more sensible.

Go for both?
Scenario 1
You go to uni, try for baby but it doesn’t happen straight away as expected. You finish uni able to support yourself and ready to afford life.
Scenario 2
You go to uni, get pregnant part way through, defer for 9months/1yr then go back and finish it off. It doesn’t affect you’re funding if you do it within the time discussed with the uni.
Scenario 3
You don’t go to uni and instead try for baby, which doesn’t happen as expected and you don’t conceive until 34 at which point you could have gone to uni anyway.
Scenario 4
You don’t go to uni and get pregnant immediately, not something that can be guaranteed remember. You then could go to uni once babies a bit older but would have to factor in childcare until they’re the correct age for school.

FWIW I did scenario 2.

Do you have to do a degree at a brick uni? Would an open university degree be an option? You receive tuition fees but no bursarys (unless you live in certain areas of the UK).
You could carry on working and building up mat leave. You can transfer previous uni credits across too so you could start at a brick uni then move to OU if/when you get pregnant. You can study 60 credits a year over 9 months or double up and do 120 credits like a brick uni but probably wouldnt be able to work at the same time (or at least drop hours) as it would be full on.

What subject do you want to study? You can get funding for a second degree if it is in a STEMM field.

I inadvertently did Lollipops scenario 2 when I was at uni the first time around but they decided to discontinue my course when I was due to return from maternity leave so if you do apply its something to check on. Admittedly my course was very specialized and there was less then 10 of us on it so not surprising they canceled it.

The rules must have changed around deferring. I did a year at uni before, which ate away at my funding, so now I can only be funded for 3 years - even if I deferred in the first term I'd have to pay course fees which would be massive, and potentially not be funded for the final year of my course (according to my first choice uni) so I either defer before or not at all :(

Definitely know the "crazy for a baby" feeling and have thus far fought it off.

My course is in Nursing and I've applied to do midwifery so open uni isn't an option! X

Personally, unless you will be paid some sort of mat leave to be off for a year with baby during your deferral (or your partner makes plenty of money and you can all continue to live comfortably with you off) and you have plenty of money for childcare after while you go back to uni, I would finish your course.

I don't have any health issues, but I didn't even know my dh yet at 27! We met when I was 28, got married at 31 and our dd was born when I was 32. I did have her in the middle of a 7 year PhD. I did 4 years, took a year off and then went back and finished up 3 more years. But I was also self-employed while doing that so I had maternity allowance during my mat leave and we were comfortably able to have me at home for a year before I went back. For me, it was the right thing otherwise I'd only just be having my first now at 37. As it is, I finished my degree last autumn and got pregnant straight away and am now pregnant with our 2nd and last. But I wouldn't want to be 37 and just doing this for the first time, so I'm glad I took that time out a few years ago.

But affording childcare while being a student is difficult and expensive. There is some childcare support for uni students in the UK (which I didn't qualify for myself, but you may), so that might help. But to go back fulltime, we were paying £900 a month. I was fortunate that my dh was earning well and I had some help from my family to cover any costs when money was tight. But it's really expensive. It was much easier when I was graduated and earning, and if I could have finished up and still been 31/32 when I had my daughter, I would have done that. So I would say it probably comes down to whether you'll realistically be able to afford to return after your deferral while still paying childcare.

I know you have some health issues (which I didn't have), but I would give some serious consideration to sorting yourself out first, get yourself in the best possible position before you think of having babies, as life gets much more complicated once you do.

It's a tricky one. I have EDS too so can relate to that side of things. I had 8 pregnancies between the ages of 22 and 32 including 3 miscarriages. It may have been a coincidence but I had less complications with the babies I had when I was younger. On the other hand EDS is genetic and you don't know if any babies you have will have it and how severely. Being a student while looking after a disabled child could be very difficult.

Surely not being able to defer for maternity leave is discrimination?