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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Parents flying out to be with me after birth - advice?

14 replies

ozchick · 19/04/2007 00:05

Hi, dh and i moved to Australia last year, in Nov my lovely parents came to visit from UK for 7wks, great for me but nearly sent dh insane. Now they want to come out when new baby born in August but dh reluctant. Prob is that he won't take time off work and I have a 2yr dd as well. Also last time had a c-section so would need help if have to have another one. Am worried that if my mum comes over then will cause s*dding dh to go moody when I'm trying to cope with new baby
Any advice?

OP posts:

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suzycreamcheese · 19/04/2007 00:10

am sorry i laughed at the thread title..

though thinking about it i would love the help if in this position...might be good for you and dd to have friendly faces around esp if they really do help...
..if he wont help or be around he surely cant deny you that help from another source?

MrsThierryHenry · 19/04/2007 00:16

I'm on your husband's side. I think you and your dh should have a few weeks' time alone with your children before your folks come...again it will be lovely for YOU to have them here but not for him. He will get shunted into the background as they coo over you and the baby, and won't get a look in with his own child. He may not be able to express it so concisely, but it's exactly what happened to the husband of a friend of mine, and I think it's part of what caused him to pull back from getting hands-on with his child (only 6 months on is he now helping out - still reluctantly. Silly, I know, but there you go).

Is there anyone else nearby who can help you out when you need it without staying over and getting in the way?

kamikayzed · 19/04/2007 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ozchick · 19/04/2007 00:34

Good point MrsThierryHenry, when dd was born (when we were in UK) dad came to help for a few days and dh felt totally shoved out of the picture (he was at work all the time tho so I had little sympathy). DH is a bit of a workaholic and will prob only take a day or 2 off work. I have my in-laws fairly near by so could try to persuade them to help out a bit in early days then get mum over when bub is about a month old. Do you think it is wrong to prefer ones mums help to dh whingeing about messy house and generally being USELESS?

OP posts:

kamikayzed · 19/04/2007 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pedalmonster · 19/04/2007 08:44

It may not be his choice - it may just be that he cannot take time off - some times thats just the way the cookie crumbles!

My folks and MIL are both abroad and planning to come to UK to help etc but we have explained that we want at least a month alone with baby to get into routine / have a baby moon. It was SOOO difficult to tell them as it is the first grandchild on both sides, however DH and I feel a lot calmer now!

OZchick I know what you mean about the help, but you and DH really need to form a united front, whatever you decide. I know from myside that if I tell DH what I need from him he is much more helpful - its not that they don't want to help, they just don't really know waht to do and don't want to get in the way.
Good luck!

Spidermama · 19/04/2007 08:54

Can you get them to go out a lot and see the sights. Perhaps level with them and say you really want a time with just dh and the baby.

Perhaps you could look up some day trips they could do to get them out of the way.

rubles · 19/04/2007 10:04

I agree with the suggestion of stating your needs to DH and making it clear what you are going to find difficult to do on your own in that first couple of months (like keep the house clean, for sure!).
Then see if you can come up with a plan together with your DH as to how to meet those needs and who can help. Find out what the main issue is from his perspective with having them around, then try to stay united and come up with a plan. (7 weeks does seem a long time to me, I have to say - but maybe that says more about my own relationship with my parents.)

Could there be some compromises?...your parents come later after the birth/for a shorter time/go off on a holiday to another part of Oz in the middle of the trip/go on day or weekend excursions/stay nearby in different accommodation. Could you get a temporary cleaner for the first couple of months?

LucyJones · 19/04/2007 10:06

The way it worked for us was my mum stayed in a nearby hotel and took older child out in the day.

Original poster

ozchick · 19/04/2007 10:43

oooooooo love the idea of staying in a hotel, more for me and dh than parents and children though .
I think i will suggest to dh that we have first month together as a new foursome and MAKE him take some time off work, although he does run his own business which makes it tricky. Then get my mum out here on here own for a few weeks. Dh finds it much easier to get on with her than her and my dad at the same time. By then even if I have had another C-section I should be pretty much healed by the time she has to go home.
And Kamikayzed, yes he would moan about state of the house. He thinks I just lie about all day eating sweeties. Love also the idea of getting a cleaner. That's what I need - staff! A whole phlanx of cook, cleaner, butler

OP posts:

PizPizPiz · 19/04/2007 15:33

tbh I think your dh is being a bit selfish here. If he's not taking any time off you'll be the one to cope with a 2y old and a newborn, and that's not easy. Take all the help you can get is my advice, your dh will just have to make do. It's only for a few weeks anyway.

Blu · 19/04/2007 15:41

I completely understand why your DH doesn't want to feel poushed out after the birth...but not what he thinks he will be pushed out of if he thinks you can manage a newborn, a two-year-old and CS without any help from him. Can you bargain with him? You will hold off your parents for a couple of weeks if he will take time off? And then it will be your Mum alone?

Was probably a bit of a mistake to have your parents for as long as 7 weeks within a year of needing this support - I would have to be carted into a madhouse if my MIL came twice for extended visits within a year. But I daresay your parents aren't as bad as her!

skidaddle · 19/04/2007 15:45

Yes I agree Piz, he WON'T take time off work - it is his baby as well! I would be livid if my dp said such a thing - and then to say your parents can't come either!!! Tell him either they come or else you will go and visit them and he can look after a toddler and a newborn baby alone for a couple of weeks and see how he likes it

elkiedee · 19/04/2007 17:48

7 weeks seems like a long time but obviously they're a long way away, and I think it's unfair that your husband's unwilling to take time off. I think make it clear to him that you'd like them to come and that you need the help, and also discuss with your mum - you want to see her but you think that a 7 week stay will be difficult. What does he want? Ask him, but make it clear that you at home on your own with newborn without parents visiting at all or support from him isn't what you want. Suggest he leaves work earlier to clean the house himself for a few days! Will your finances or your parents' money allow the possibility of them travelling a bit while they're there, or of accommmodation? Maybe you could look for baby friendly places to eat out a bit?

Luci

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