Visitors after birth

[pomadas87]

Currently 41+2 so feeling quite anxious and emotional anyway but wanted some advice on handling visitors post-giving birth (even though I now feel like I will be pregnant forever!!)

MIL is pretty overbearing and overexcited about first grandchild and said she wants to come to the hospital to meet baby asap. DH said we will have visitors when we get home - all fine, she was disappointed but fine with that.

What's giving me anxiety is DH's younger siblings (he's one of 6) who all want to come up immediately to meet the baby - they're all late teens/early 20s. They haven't shown any interest in pregnancy so far (we've not even seen them whilst I've been pregnant) and we just get all this information via MIL. Again DH has said we will let them know when we are up to visitors and they will have to wait.

Now MIL says they are all SO disappointed and upset and they they're just so excited about the baby... "surely you wouldn't deny them meeting their niece or nephew?!"
I'm feeling so guilty now but I just think it will be so overwhelming and too much and I simply don't think I want to see them straightaway.

Where do we go from here? DH has been great and said all the right things I guess, it just seems they won't listen and want to guilt-trip me in to saying they can come up. (The siblings all live a flight/train journey away, MIL about an hour by car).

Any advice would be great!

Another one in the same position here! Watching with interest... I personally really want some space after birth and worry that DH's jolly but very bossy and over-excited MIL will be straight in to fill any space I might create and I'll be left feeling like the vessel for the PFGC...

I didn't think I'd want any visitors and DH was a great gate keeper but I had such an easy in and out birth and desperately wanted my mum for some reason so called her as soon as we left hospital and her, my sister and aunt all came over for a few hours and it was lovely.
Might annoy people but I was very happy with that as I felt comfortable with my boobs out trying to feed, being honest about pain, they bought food and fed us and it was wonderful HOWEVER I was not ready for DHs family. They are not as relaxed and I felt awkward and hidden away with baby breastfeeding whilst they sat uncomfortably on the couch making small talk. I think as tough as it is just do what you need/want.

maybebabyyes interesting point about wanting to see you own mum - I feel I want my DM there afterwards as she's so soothing but I know if MIL found out my DM had flown up to see us so quickly she would be livid at being told second/kept away whilst my DM was allowed...

Yes, OP... my DH has indicated that if my DM is there at any point, my MIL will expect equal treatment...

You are right to be concerned. This was truly the most stressful part of having a newborn. The visitors!

Tip 1 : have a tray of mugs, sugar, spoons, tea bags ready for every visit and boil the kettle just before they arrive and pack them off to do it.

Tip 2 : delay visitors where possible.

Tip 3 : ask them to wash their hands - that got me quite stressed.

Stand your ground! X

Just a different viewpoint based on my experiences (2 DC); you may be only too proud to show off your newborn, and perfectly capable of having visitors straight away (providing they don't overstay their welcome). I know I was. Good luck with it all, whatever you decide

sod it, it's your choice. I know it's hard to do but I'm so glad that I had my mum there straight away. I even had her stay with me for a week which I never imagined I'd want!

DM would only be able to come for a weekend as she's a teacher, so visit would be v short anyway. MIL told me she's saved up all her leave for when the baby arrives... I have no idea what for!!

Anyone else worried about their own mum being overbearing when the baby comes?
My mum means well but she can be suffocating at the best of times. She's retired and has A LOT of time of her hands. She likes to remind me that she knows best and is quite a controlling person.

Really dreading what she'll be like when the babys here. She has a way of making me feel guilty because she's lonely and "only trying to help". I already know that she'll be offended if / when we say that we want to enjoy some time alone.

Omg OP it sounds like she’s planning to completely take over if she’s saved up all her leave!!! I agree with previous posters, maybe let her come to hospital as a) it’ll make her feel more important and major brownie points and b) the midwives will soon tell her to bugger off!

Maybe get your DH to outline your wishes more firmly before baby comes... as once he/she has arrived she will just ignore you and do what she wants by the sound of it. Lock your doors and draw your curtains. Only venture out if necessary lol.

My DD was in NICU for two weeks after she was born, and one particular relative would not stop ringing me to find out info, despite numerous warnings that I couldn’t speak in the ward, and spent about 18 hours of my day by her incubator. Bugger off!! X

Forever hopeful- I have the opposite problem, my mum is the complete opposite! It’s like trying to get blood out of a stone to get any happiness/excitement out of her... when we rang to tell her about DD and her achievements in NICU when she was born, all I got was “hmmm” down the phone. Arghhh!!!!!!

I have a retired and recently widowed MIL she's putting all of the attention on the baby to take herself away from the loss of her husband.
I am dreading it and she is being annoying now I'm on maternity leave. I'm just hoping that when the baby's here my partner will help showing visitors to the door. He's supportive and respectful of my feelings so I think it will be fine. When he goes back to work I will just have to grow a pair and tell her not to linger around.
She keeps making comments about being hands on and I've already said I want to learn and get into my own routines but appreciate her help.

Just try to practise being assertive I know it's tough when it comes to family.

I don't completely want a zero visitor policy but ideally stay for a moment and go away! My daughter might be born a few weeks early by induction - feeling like mother bear already not wanting people touching her while she's so small 😕😭

Honestly, I can't believe how many people feel visitors, especially in-laws are such an issue! I couldn't wait to welcome my family - both sides. A new baby is a joy for all, and you'll still have plenty of time to bond even if someone else holds your baby for an hour
Be grateful for someone who can help; don't be afraid to give specific tasks like load washing machine/empty dishwasher. Most family/close friend guests only want to help and share in your happiness.
I say this with no near-by family so all visitors stayed, both times. I not only coped, I enjoyed it. Don't go into it thinking of war - it's the wrong attitude. Let's hope all those bashing the in-laws don't go on to have boys and you one day become that relation.
Remember your baby is someone else's GC/DN/DN and they are allowed to be excited too!

My only disclaimer is I had straightforward deliveries and home same day; I wouldn't have wanted as many hospital visitors.

YouBe- it’s not visitors which is the issue with most people, it’s the type of visitors. Meddling, over-bearing, tactless, annoying, the list goes on. Or maybe that’s just mine... lol xx

Thanks @YouBeOwlette for the perspective, I do need a reminder like that sometimes and will continue to over the next few months.

I find my MIL v difficult and she is very very overbearing but I am trying to remember that she’s just excited about her grandchild and she has every right to be. We will have to get used to it as DH and I are both only children so it’s all on us!

Oh I was in a right state after the birth, I couldn't even function. It took me about 2/3 weeks before I could even entertain talking to another human I was that traumatised, but I had a pretty bad time of things.
Also breast feeding didn't go well at all and I was basically topless for weeks trying to feed my baby, unsuccessfully.
It was my partners job to make sure I was ok and he could see I was not ok and he kept it everyone away. The last thing I needed was pretending to guests they were welcome and everything was hunky dory!
It's such a personal thing though. I thought in my head I would want to parade my baby around but when it came to it I was the total opposite. I literally wanted to hide.
You just roll with how you feel when LO arrives. Visitors or no visitors it's your call.

A 100% I would have my own Mum there for my in laws (who I do get on well with) but my mum and Dad met our daughter first and will do with this baby. Actually my daughter will be the first to meet the baby, then my parents the DH parents.

With my daughter I wish we had been a bit more strict and created some boundaries. I was thrilled to show her off but I was physically draining after a whole week of visitors. This time round we will have parents visit (my Mum lives very close and will help I imagine) but other than that I am going to take it super slow with the mass of visitors and keep the time short when they do come.

It’s all very difficult when it comes to family politics and not wanting to offended loved ones but I think just find a little balance allow your MIL to meet the baby but then create some distance and go off how you feel when baby is here.

Excuse the mass typos my hands are thawing out from my dog walk!

Thanks for all the responses everyone!

On a whole our guests were considerate but we had his parents at the hospital the minute we said they could come (I didn’t see DS for about 12 hours so they had to wait until I had seen him anyway!) This didn’t stop them turning up half an hour after we got home after a few days in hospital so don’t think by letting them come to the hospital it will stop uninvited home visits!

With my first I had 8 visitors straight after my baby was born then huge bbq day later 😴

2nd I only had 4 people at the hospital but was dragged to a wedding 2 days later.

I didn't mind having people, maybe because I was very young and tolerated people better.

With no. 3 it was quite busy again at the hospital, I didn't mind too much as I got to rest and I had baby. The evening I got home I had husbands family down and I took a funny turn, I wanted to go back to hospital to stay after signing myself out as it was too much.

Normally I would have said see how you feel etc after delivery but if your unsure just now stick with your guns.

Good luck when the time comes 🙂

You should never feel obliged to have visitors.

With 1st both sets of GP's visited in hospital but only because I had to stay in for a few days. Everyone else waited until they were told it was ok and specific times.

No way would I play hostess making tea and coffee when I felt like crap in a room of perfectly able adults.

It's great that people are exited but they seem to completely disregard the baby's actual parents feelings.

My Aunty and uncle wanted to see my baby but expected me to travel to them
Well obviously I said no
It caused such a rift with my mum texting me saying 'I'm not going to have any contact with you until Aunty sees the baby'
Umm ok, your loss then!
It caused so much stress at the time tho!

This time I am doing things a lot differently, I feel that now I'm a mother I almost feel empowered which I didn't feel last time
My baby, my body, my vagina so I decide when we have visitors
And also I won't be slipping off upstairs to breastfeed the baby either
If visitors don't want to see it... go home

Be firm! Be strong and make sure your partner is supportive! I'm pretty sure after seeing you give birth he will respect you like never before so will be behind you and your decisions anyway xx

Just remember there are security team on the maternity wards. If you give names to them/reception desk of the ward then those named people will not be allowed in

Ask people to respect your privacy ... although some people don't know the meaning of the word!
My mother in law keeps randomly coming to our windows and staring in which then sets the dog off