Advice/ help needed 😔

[Ann9456]

Hi everyone.

I recently posted on here that I am 10 weeks pregnant.. I found out last Thursday. My partner of three years says he isnt ready for a baby.. we dont have our own house as we live in a very expensive area but live with my parents. He says he doesnt want the baby but wants one in the future.. I had a termination last year for this same reason. He has said that I will lose him if I go ahead with the pregnancy as I cant force this upon him which I understand but it wasnt planned.. I was on the pill. He is wants me to have another termination and says its fair for him to tell me to do that or I lose him. I'm very upset and want to keep the baby.
Has anyone been in a similiar situation? I have no one else to talk to and feel very alone.

Thanks in advance

I haven't been in the situation. However, its your body and it's your decision and not his. And no one has forced him - he chose to have sex with you and contraception isn't 100% so there's always a risk. So don't feel guilty. And he sounds like a right plonker trying to bully and blackmail you into the decision he wants. Whichever way the baby situation goes, I'd be questioning if he's good enough a partner given his behaviour.

I have not been in that situation, although DP and I were together for less than a year when I found out I was pregnant, and we were not living together at the time. Abortion never came up, although neither of us were ready to be parents.

I say keep the baby, dump the boyfriend.

Wish you all the best

I have been in this situation. We had recently got back together after a split and while he didn't force me into a decision, he did say he felt we weren't ready and that our relationship wasn't yet secure enough for a baby. I agreed and although it wasn't a great situation, termination was the best choice for us. A few years down the line we are married and expecting number two. However, that doesn't sound like your situation and I would be wary of him forcing your hand. If you want to keep your baby then keep your baby. Your parents sound supportive enough and you know your own mind. I would wonder will he ever be ready or would he keep you hanging on like this for the foreseeable future? He sounds very cruel and I think even if you did go along with another termination it would put strain on your relationship anyway and to be honest, a man who gives out ultimatums like that doesn't sound like a supportive and worthy partner. Good luck OP and follow what feels right for you.

Thanks for replying. I agree.. he is trying to bully me into it by saying il lose him. Which obviously really scares me as il be a single Mum but I really dont think I can go through a termination again it made me depressed and I've felt guilty ever since.

Why would you want to stay with a man who uses abortion as contraception?

Do your parents know you're pregnant? Would they offer you help/support/advice?
It sounds like you have made your decision (and it is ultimately only your decision) about the baby. Don't be railroaded into something you don't want to do, and many manage single parent-hood just fine especially with a supportive family.
I would question if you want to stay with your DH however. He sounds selfish and immature.

*DP, sorry

No my parents don't know.. no body does. I know what I want to do but its him. I'm beginning to believe its not fair to put this upon him but like I have said it wasnt planned and its unfair to push me into something I dont want. But if I go ahead with the pregnancy and he doesnt leave he will resent me and wont want the baby. Is it fair to bring a baby into this world when its only wanted by one parent? 😔

OP how old are you?
Could you tell your parents? Or is there someone else that you can talk to in RL to seek support from?
Did your boyfriend pressure you into the last termination?

I'm 24. I'm scared people will judge me :( I dont know what to do 😔

If you don't want to abort then don't do it!! Get rid of that loser bf though. Why should you bear all the responsibility of contraception?? He's already made you do it once before don't let him do it again . Tell him to fuck off. Tell your parents. You are an adult, whats the worst they can say??

I was a single mum at 24, it's hard but doable. My ex has nothing to do with my DD - she's 5 now & she's a pretty awesome kid.

Don't let him bully you. He can give his opinion but that's it; final decision is yours. End of the day if he 100% didn't want a baby he should have wrapped it up as well as you being on the pill. Nothing's guaranteed & as an adult he will know that.

Tell your folks, get some support 🙂 Don't let him rail road you x

He is not a good man. If you have an abortion for any other reason than that you feel it is the best/only thing to do, then you will almost certainly regret it. He could also leave you anyway.
I absolutely agree that if he was so concerned about avoiding another pregnancy, he should have been taking joint responsibility for contraception.
Tell your parents that you are pregnant and he is trying to push you into an abortion you don't want. They may well surprise you. I don't think that anyone who matters will judge you, but they will definitely judge him.

In all seriousness he sounds like a complete douche! My DP and I found out 3 weeks ago that we were expecting and although living with his parents are currently we are now looking for our own house. I guess I am lucky that we both feel the same way but I know even if he didn’t want our baby I had no hesitation in saying I 110% do. If he’s there or not I will always do what’s best for them. I think you need to take him out of the picture focus on what you want and your family as friends around you who care for you and the support you have. I know a lot of single mums and despite the fact they’ve battled through rubbish partners/distant dads they all have the most wonderful children. Ignore your partner and think of yourself and your baby. You never know he might one day realise what he’s missing out on and apologise! I’d tell your parents if I were you - as long as you know they will support you whatever you decide.
Good luck xxxx

I really wish I was in the same situation as you.. this is such a difficult time. I want the baby, I really do. After my termination last year I was put on anti depressants and felt awful for a very long time. To be honest I still do. Im so grateful for everyone who has replied it makes me feel less alone. I keep thinking surely he wont leave me on my own but I really dont know he can be pretty selfish sometimes but how could he walk out on me and his child :(.

What do you want to do, really really?
Stay with a man who bullies you but have a termination and deal with the aftermath?
Or tell him where to go, and have a baby. It might be hard work.. But it's so worth it (I say that as a mom)
If anyone judges you they arent worth bothering about! I know which path I would take.

I want the baby. I really do. All he keeps saying is that I cant force this upon him and then I feel like i'm ruining his life.. but he wants children.. in 2 years.

You really want the baby. You are still devastated after your first forced termination by this man. Please go with what you want this time and not what he forces you into. If, after weighing everything up, you think a termination is right, then it’s entirely your decision. You are not the one forcing anything upon anybody. He has been foolish to not double up on contraception if he was that anxious about preventing another pregnancy.

There is never ever the right time for a baby. What will have changed in 2 years? Can you discuss that with him? 2 years isn’t much time at all. What exactly would need to change for him to be ready for this baby?

I know it’s easier said than done but you’ve already said you want this baby, go for it! The baby will be really loved by you, surely that stands for a lot!

Hope you make the right decision for you and no one else

If he really didn't want a baby he should have taken better precautions especially after your previous pregnancy. He is a grown man with an understanding that sex may result in a child. You are not ruining anything for him.
Losing him in this is really a non-issue as it seems to be the outcome no matter what. Keep the baby, he walks. Terminate and find yourself resentful in a relationship with a bully, which would doubtless implode anyway. The only glimmer of saving things for me would be he's immature and panicking, and may eventually snap out of it and step up but that is in no way a given. As a result you really need to separate the issues of baby and relationship. Don't base one decision on the other. Do what is right for you and no one else.

Have you spoken to your parents yet? How do you think they will feel about your pregnancy? Supportive?

OP you are 24, and I'm guessing know a little bit about contraception, I'm assuming your boyfriend is around the same age and therefore should be able go be responsible for contraception also, given what happened last year.
Are you in work at the moment? If yes, perhaps look at what maternity benefits your work offers you. If no, then look at which benefits you may be eligible for if you continued with the pregnancy.
As I said before I really feel you should tell your parents, I'm sure they'd only want what's best for you and would support your decision.

OP, please don't make a decision based on what your boyfriend says. It sounds like you weren't happy with the decision you made the last time.

Your boyfriend sounds awful TBH. I would respectfully suggest you'd be better off getting rid of him regardless of what you decide to do about your pregnancy. I understand that that must seem like a very scary thought to you, but please don't sacrifice your own wants for the sake of him.

He said he wants children in two years; that's a very arbitrary timescale.

Also, I don't want to upset you, but I would suggest you also consider how you would feel if you terminate this pregnancy and can't get pregnant in two years (or whenever your boyfriend decides would be a suitable timescale). Or in two years he decides the time is not right and he wants to wait longer, or doesn't want children at all.

How is your relationship with your parents? If you're close to them, please speak to them about this.

Best of luck OP. I really hope things work out for you.

No one should be forced into a termination against their will. You clearly want to continue the pregnancy and that is your choice. If he chooses to leave then that is his choice but he will be the one missing out. I can't understand him asking you to have another termination knowing the impact the first one has had on your mental health.

He is using emotional blackmail in this instance and I wonder if he uses it elsewhere in your relationship. Think carefully about whether you want to be with a person who will do that.

You are afraid of him staying and resenting you but if you choose to terminate when that is not what you want you will likely resent him so it is a lose/lose situation.

Even if you start as a couple there is no guarantee that both parents will be around for their child as anything can happen. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent.

Your OH needs to realise that no matter what contraception is used if you have sex people can get pregnant and pregnancy leads to children. If he is so against having children right now he shouldn't be having sex as it is the only sure-fire contraceptive.

He used the same excuse last year and I am guessing he doesn't know when if he will ever be "ready". No one is ever really ready, as I understand it parenthood is one long learning curve.

If you choose to keep the pregnancy he may change his mind, it happens more often than you think, either way you will be fine. I personally believe men should have a degree of input with the choice regarding termination but the ultimate decision is the woman's alone and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

It’s too late now to ask if you guys had “the chat” prior to the pregnancy. But if this is a genuine surprise to both of you I can see how bad reactions can happen. But as this is the second time and you previously terminated I’m gonna stock my neck out here and say you know what you want/need to do this time.

Questions:

• do you trust bf explicitly to do the right thing & not resent you a year down the line?
• is your relationship happy?
• do you have family support?
• have you a job?
• what’s your living situation?

and above all

• do you want this baby?

Never ever be pressured into an abortion. It can destroy your mental health. But if you truly think your relationship has a future & that this is just another case of bad timing then ok, terminate.

But whatever you decide you must do it for you. And not for him or anyone else. Really.