OH wants me to get an abortion :(

[Piglet1984]

Hi, I'm not sure where to start really but a little about me. I'm a single mum of 2 girls aged 13 and 11. My 13 year old was born with a lot of health problems and she is in and out of hospital a lot for varies things, she also has a mental age of about 5. My other daughter was a prem baby, born at 29 weeks and even though she has just started high school things haven't been going well as she has suspected autism but we are still waiting for her to be diagnosed. Their dad left before our youngest turned 2 and I'm bringing them up by myself, he hasn't been much help, the occasional bit of money if he feels like giving us some and it never amounts to much, he can go months without seeing/speaking to them and not care it is always me that has to push him to see his children and I only do it as they love him. It has been very hard, he now has another baby and isn't working at all but is raising the baby whilst his gf works so again I can't get any financial support as he is classed as unemployed.

I finally met someone over a year ago online and he visits every other week, things have been going really well but he lives almost 200 miles away. Despite me having endometriosis and PCOS we have been using contraception. Well I had a coil put in and the strings went missing but everyone assumed it was still in place until a scan revealed it wasn't! The scan took over 6 months. I then went on to the combined pill to help with my own health problems and as a form of contraception. A few weeks ago I was ill with a cough and was being sick, even though it was mainly just phlegm the doctor thinks it stopped my pill working as I became pregnant. I was in shock but now I've grown to really want this baby, however my partner is adamant we have to have an abortion. He isn't prepared to move here yet, he wants to go back to education for a few years then have a baby with me but it's breaking my heart. He has told me it will end the relationship if we keep it. He made me book an abortion which is for Monday but I really don't want to.

The stress is killing me inside, I'm so drained and emotional. I would have to move house if I kept the baby as my house is far too small as it is, I wouldn't get any financial support with being on carer's allowance and income support as I'm a full time carer for my eldest daughter and they don't give any extra help for a third child now. This is such a mess, is this what the government want anyone in my situation to abort their baby these days? I'm struggling enough financially as it is. I don't know how I will manage at all but I don't want to abort my baby. I had a miscarriage after my first daughter and that was awful to go through. I really wish my partner would support me but he won't, he is so stubborn and set in his ways.

I'm so sad, I wish there was an easy answer to all of this. Maybe I am being selfish wanting this baby so much, it wasn't planned but also him wanting us to have one in 2/3 years time might not happen with my health issues.

Please can people just give advice as I don't know what to do, my head is a mess I am so upset over all this. I feel stupid getting myself in this situation but when I had that cough and was being sick I never thought about the pill not working.

Firstly, if you do not want an abortion, cancel the appointment on Monday and make an appointment with your Doctors to discuss your options.

Unfortunately it isn't for the government to prop up your decision to have a third child, even when contraception fails - if you genuinely cannot afford to feed three children and yourself you may have to factor that into your decision making.

I wouldn't even consider your "D"H in this as he doesn't sound supportive in any way, however if you do decide to keep the baby I assume he will be paying maintenance. I'm sorry you're in the situation.

If you don't want to have an abortion do not have an abortion.

Uhh I just wrote a post and accidentally deleted it.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I think you need to cancel the appointment as PP said and make a talking appointment to weigh through your options, maybe look into getting an at home job or something like that to help make ends meet and then go out to work when you feel ready.
Of course if it isn’t financially possible then that must be factored into the decision unfortunately but many people think they can’t until they can and do.

I think whatever you choose you need to dump OH, preferably in a bag at the side of the road - (lol jokes obvs) but it says a lot about the kind of man he is if he’s threatening to break up over you keeping a child. He isn’t worth his weight in shit, a total dead weight and he isn’t worth your time as a mother or a lover.

Good luck OP

Take your partner out of the equation, because if you abort for him chances are he will end things anyway, especially if he is already threatening too.
If you want this baby, then have this baby. I don't know much about what financial assistance you can get but hopefully someone else will.

its up to you what you do. If you want the baby and think you could cope with it, then go your own way without your "partner"

Unfortunately, I think the first thing you need to do is move on from your partner. He should never ever mention abortion before you, let alone book a sodding appointment. Regardless of your decision, I'm don't think this is a long term partner that will ever put you and your needs first.
I'm not sure how many weeks you are? Do you have time to make a decision on your own?
I also think you sound like a sensible lady who covers all bases. Regardless of what your hormones and heart says, you do have to seriously consider how you will cope financially and emotionally with a newborn. You wouldn't need to move immediately because the baby would sleep in your room for the first 6-12 months, but you do need to think long term.
Finally, you got pregnant with the odds stacked against you. There is nothing to say you can't find a lovely new supportive partner and try again in the future when the conditions are favourable.
So hard and I hope you are quite early on so that you have some breathing space to make the right decision for YOU, but I'm afraid your current partner sounds like a wrong un.
Good luck OP.

You poor thing. You've not had much luck with men have you? Your new man sounds selfish. If you really want to keep your baby you do it. Yes it will be very hard but you'll come through it the other side and stronger for it. Make sure you love and respect yourself always and find a man who will do the same. Don't settle for less. Good luck!

I’m just over 6 weeks. I’m so tired and stressed out already so maybe having a baby is wrong but it’s breaking my heart. I never thought I’d be in such a horrible position. I’ve already been through so much with both my girls and I do worry if something happens with this baby. My eldest daughter is due scoliosis corrective surgery in about 12 months too. She has a lot of health issues mainly around her heart because of Digeoege syndrome. Am I being fair? My step mum is insisting I abort too and my sister is supporting me but she doesn’t live close. I can’t see getting much support. I stopped taking my antidepressants too so I really am a mess but I didn’t want to harm the baby. I’m even scared about how I’d manage with the birth as I had an emergency c section with my youngest and the recovery is so long with no support it all feels so daunting right now. Sorry I’m ranting on and on over such little things but I am panicking and scared. I have been strong before but I just don’t know how much strength I have left. It should be a happy time but I’m so miserable right now.

Does your doctor know you have stopped taking antidepressants?
At 6 weeks you have time to think things through more. I know the bond will feel stronger as time goes on but it's an important decision not to rush. You appear to be talking yourself out of it. Have you considered the benefits? Will this baby make your life better and will you be happier in yourself. I don't know a huge deal about mental health but if you are already on antidepressants then there was already issues already there and a baby will most probably add to your pressures.
Go and see your GP if you haven't done so already and explain how you are finding it hard to come to a decision. I'm sure they can give you urgent councilling.

Who's close by to you who can support you if you keep your baby?

Hi, I had a corrective op for scoliosis at 13yrs, it is a major op, but it was highly successful. Recovery was just rest and gradual return to mobility, I was back at school after a few weeks. It’s not fun, and stressful for you, but personally not a reason to abort. In fact a little brother/sister might have been fun to play with while I recovered. Financially, I don’t know much about. Anti-depressants, if you’ve come off them quickly they’ll be making you feel sh*t. First step, i’d book a GP appointment. Step 2, some tlc to yourself if you can, as you maybe calm a little your head may come clearer- but be aware the withdrawal from the anti depressants isn’t nice. Don’t be forced into anything. Your body, your pregnancy. There’s a million and one things I can say pro keeping your pregnancy, but i’m not where you are, so can only surmise. You can set up your own business working from home, or work for someone home based. Lots of options, but first GP.

Re support, my health visitor gave me lots of contacts for groups, and even volunteers who can come to my house to help me. Your GP can action the mental health team to support you too. Plus your midwife will be there through the pregnancy. And third time round you know what you’re doing.

You have other options including choosing adoption if you want the baby but can't yourself raise it, and open adoption where some contact is sustained is becoming more of a known quantity. I'm sorry you're in this position, but please don't let yourself be forced into anything.