Anyone else get pregnant after trying for ages, then feel they'd made a huge mistake?

[IPromiseImNotATroll]

Cos I have. We already have 2 kids, 4 & 2, and have always wanted 3. I look at families with 3 kids and think "yup, that's exactly what I want". At least, I did. But the second the stick said 'pregnant', I got this horrible feeling that we'd made a huge mistake. That was over a week ago and it hasn't gone away. I have no idea what to do.

I spent 18 months and €15k trying to get pregnant and now, I don't want to be pregnant - how ridiculous am I?!

I'm not 100% sure why I'm so convinced I don't want another kid: is it the extra work (this is a particularly busy time for me and I'm already stressed about work, hobbies, etc.); is it not having time for my current kids - I don't know. There's no definite reason, just a strong feeling that we've made a mistake.

Maybe it's the hormones? Maybe it's the drugs? Though I've checked with the clinic and the estrodial should make me happy. The progesterone may make me slightly down but not depressed.

I can't help but feel like if something goes wrong, I'll feel awful about how I responded to the pregnancy. But I also can't help but feel that it would solve my problem. Which makes me feel horrible.

If this reaction is truly how I feel, then I need to seriously consider ending the pregnancy. But if it's a hormonal reaction, then I don't want to do anything rash, that'd I'd regret later.

I've emailed some local counsellors to discuss this but thought maybe the MN Hivemind could help calm my crazy head. TIA x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Is it an IVF conception and if it the first time you’ve had IVF? Everyone reacts to hormones differently and each pregnancy is different So I wouldn’t rule out hormones

Did you have any difficulties in your last pregnancies?

If it helps at all, I tried for 4 years to conceive DS and then wasn’t excited at all about the pregnancy. Didn’t bond, generally considered having a baby would be a stressor. A friend who had IVF experienced the same and didn’t bond until her DS was 3 months. We are both absolutely crazily obsessed happy with our boys now.

Ok, what are the reason you thought when you were trying to conceive baby no 3? Make a list of why you thought it was a good idea?

@sourpatchkid: It is my first IVF. I had IUI previously. I'm not typically a very hormonal or emotional person so I find it hard to imagine that that's what the issue is but I'm trying to keep an open mind!

On my first pregnancy, I was pleased to be pregnant but never felt like I hugely connected with the pregnancy. Like you, it took me about 7 weeks to fall in love with my baby but now, I wouldn't change her for the world! It's such an overwhelming time - it just took me a while to be able to process everything.

Maybe it is just how I process things. I just don't want to make the wrong decision.

Thanks for your comment :)

I bet it’s a damage limitation thing. You’ve invested so much time and money into having this baby that there’s a lot riding on its success, so telling yourself you don’t want it now is a way of your brain trying to minimise the emotional impact on you if it doesn’t work out. Book in with your midwife asap and see if you can get access to some specialist talking therapy to work through how you’re feeling? You won’t be the first to feel like this.

@MagicMoneyTree sounds right on the mark. I also think that no matter how long you’ve been trying or how difficult it has been, the reality of a new human can be terrifying for anybody. All of my pregnancies I’ve felt the same at first... even this one which was very very planned, as soon as I fell pregnant I was like... uh oh, is this even for the best?! This could ruin everything! Etc etc. I know it’s anxiery talking but at the time of panic it feels like very real concerns

Honestly, I think it’s totally normal to feel like that, I’m due number 3 in a couple of weeks and though it was planned and wanted I’ve spent most of the pregnancy thinking oh fuck what have I done. But I know I wanted it and I know if I hadn’t I’d have felt something was missing and I know when I hold my new baby I will love it unconditionally, so I just have to remind myself of that.

Thanks, everyone. It makes me feel a bit better to know I'm not alone. I have a scan in a fortnight so we'll see what that brings :)

So, it’s twins. Now my partner’s also freaked out. And I’m still filled with dread. No more or less than I was before, but dread is the only word. I’m seeing a counselor, who’s very lovely, but I’m not sure she’s helping. She’s trying to unlock my feelings and emotions in general (quite the mammoth task!) but I’m not feeling much different. We’re considering options but I’m not sure about that either. Head well and truely wrecked!

Oh love - I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling that way and it's so much harder now you know it's twins.

I just want to say I'm thinking of you x if the counsellor isn't working it's ok to find another - do they specialise in this area?

I know how you feel. I have 3 kids and am currently pregnant with the fourth. The 2 youngest are twins. Everyone told me how difficult it was going to be, and there were times that it was. But after the initial shock of 2 newborns and a just turned 2 year old, it quickly got better. So much so that we decided to have another. Yet 16 weeks in and my DH and I keep thinking what have we done... Sorry for waffling on, my point is people manage because they have to. Whatever you and your partner decide, you will muddle through it one way or another.

I'm currently pregnant with number 3 and often think the same. Having said that, each time I've found out I'm pregnant I've had 'what have I done?' thoughts. I spent most of my 2nd pregnancy feeling like it was a huge mistake. After about a week of meeting my 2nd I loved her as much as my 1st and now I would like to spend most of my time talking about her.

Let's face it, babies are really hard work and once you're pregnant you really know you're on the road to that. It's overwhelming and exhausting and that's what you're worried about. However, don't forget in a year you'll love this one as much as the other two.

I really believe this is hormones and fear of it all. It will all be wonderful though. Hard work but a hoot!

I had two. Didn't feel 'done'. Waited a few years before trying again. Had three miscarriages over the next two years - having already had three before and between my older two - then a year of nothing. Then, out of the blue, pregnant again.

Regretted it instantly, but was OK at the beginning because obviously assumed I'd mc. When I didn't, I considered termination. Decided against, but spent the rest of the pregnancy sure of having amde a terrible mistake. I was still feeling it the morning I went in for induction.

That feeling went the second she was born. Unfortunately, I then had to go through an almost overwhelming anxiety for her health and safety which was difficult, but two years down the line it is loosening its grip. She is wonderful, we all adore her - including her considerably older brothers - and I now feel unequivocally 'done'.

I think when a pregnancy is hard-won the mind can do strange things to you - there may be a level at which this feeling is protecting you, and was protecting me, from an overwhelming fear of loss. Talk to someone about this if you can, and hang in there.

Oh, twins is frightening (sorry, I missed your update post). It just is. I'd be surprised if you didn't feel a degree of dread, tbh. I wonder if whether you need to see someone specialised in pregnancy choices? I still recognise your feelings very much from when I went through them - dread really is the right word - but you have the additional complication of facing the mammoth practical task of twins + 2 little ones, and I think this shifts the ground a bit. Absolutely NOT saying termination or anything is necessarily right for you, but simply that right now, you could probably do with more specific targeted support than a general excavation of your emotional landscape. Have you posted on the multiples board on here?

I missed your twins post yesterday too. You poor thing. I would really recommend contacting Marie Stopes of BPAS and discussing your options - not necessarily because you think this is what you want, but just because it might help you know what you do or don't want. I was terrified when I found out about my current pregnancy and was actually considering not going ahead with the pregnancy because I felt so awful about it. It felt like I'd ruined my life whether I had the baby or not. I actually booked an abortion but with a lot of thinking and soul searching decided that it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm now happy with my choice and looking forward to the baby which is a huge change from 10 weeks ago when I felt the world was crashing down around me.

Another thing my husband and I did was sit down and discuss exactly how we could manage it and we decided that the key will be help, and so we were going to move house, but instead we are going to spend the money we've saved for that on a nanny/Mother’s help/extra childcare. Could this be an option?

I'm thinking of you and really hope you start to feel better soon.

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your messages and support. I'm still so unsure of what I want. I've made an appointment with a specialised counselling services (like BPAS but Irish cos I'm in Dublin) so hopefully, that will help. I just don't want to make a huge mistake, either way. In a lot of ways, we're really at capacity at the moment, with work and the two kids - who are both gorgeous and no trouble at all. I don't want to make their lives harder.

I haven't posted on the multiples page because I don't think it's about the multiples element so I don't want the issues to get confused. I felt like this before I knew it was twins. That said, I have been looking on the multiples page and I've joined some multiples facebook groups. I'm trying to get into the idea of having twins and maybe get excited about it. Which hasn't happened!

My wife is being so wonderful. Since we found it's twins, she's worried too and also doesn't know what to do. But she's trying not to think about it cos it's my decision in the end. We talk about it but we get nowhere. She's coming to the counselling session with me. Hopefully, it'll help.

Just keep talking and talking. Don't hide anything, talk about everything there is to talk about and eventually you will make your choice. It's so hard at the moment because you haven't made a decision. I just kept imagining both cases and both seemed awful, then I would feel regretful and just wish I wasn't in this stupid position, then I would think more. Eventually one choice came to me.

I also read that 95% of people who do have abortions don't regret their decision, and I imagine the proportion of people that regret having their child/children is even lower, so statistically, there's only a slim chance that you will really regret your choice.

Still thinking of you at this tough time.

Keep talking to her. I was carrying twins and felt absolutely terrified, it was only when I lost one that I realised I was actually really looking forward to it but my fear (which disappeared and was replaced by sadness of loss) that prevented me from feeling it. I think you need to ask other mums of twins how they coped maybe? Joining the groups is a good idea. I know parents of twins who have now grown up and they’re extremely happy, but had more to say about the difficulty of CARRYING the twins rather than mothering them etc!