Partner wants me to terminate

[Therewasanoldwomanwholived]

Hi all, thanks for taking time to read, will try not to rant...
Looking for advice, however blunt.
We have 5 children, a very good lifestyle/large house. Our home is busy and loud and our children are all healthy and great characters..

I've been asking my OH to get the snip for about 18 months, because I can't (medically )take contraception and we aren't great at always using condoms.
Our youngest is a year+

I'm now pregnant again (surprise, surprise). He is being really horrible to me. I feel like I'm screaming inside. I'm not judging other people who have / do terminate but I just Can't.
His main issue is embarrassment , he feels he'll be judged for 6 children and for 'not being careful'!

He is a really superb father and usually a very good partner.

The thing is I did say tht I wouldn't continue with a pregnancy (when having a particularly difficult week with the children)! if one occurred and now I feel like I'm having this unwritten contract waved in my face.

(Sorry for the over share ) I also didn't expect to get pregnant as I still hvnt had periods since my last baby was born, because she is feeding very often thru the night still, and my fertility hasn't returned in the past until the youngest is totally night weaned.
So, due to these things I feel like I'm being totally blamed for the pregnancy, even tho on a number of occasions I told him to at least pull out (and then he didn't)!!
And he did say Repeatedly that he'd get the snip, but kept backing out because he thought it wud 'hurt'!!

I feel so stressed, am going for a scan next week to determine how far along I am, but I think I'm only Just pregnant.

Am I wrong to be putting 'a bunch of cells' before my existing children?? I'm a stay at home mum, and I have no money or security of my own and life would be Very different for my children if I left and looked after all six on my own! It also dsnt sit well with me - forcing him to parent and provide for a child he has expressly said he doesn't want..
This isn't our first unplanned pregnancy tho, and he adores all our children...

Am putting this out here because I'm basically too embarrassed to speak to family and friends and my head is so muddled I can't eloquently explain to him that I'm not solely to blame and a 6th is the end of the world ?!

And a 6th *Isn't the end of the world !!

Wait a while and he might come around?

He can't force you to have an abortion and don't! I would love to have a big family so don't feel as though you will be judged. Do what feels right for you. It takes 2 to make a baby so don't feel bad or guilty like it's all your fault - it isn't.

Do you have someone you can talk to - family member, friend or even the midwife / doctor to see if you can get some advice which you feel won't be one sided?

Worst case scenario if you are in the UK and you decide to separate and have the baby you will get alot of financial help from the government.

As I said do what you feel is right. Don't feel bullied or persuaded in to an abortion and maybe your partner will come around? Be happy with a large family I think they are lovely

Well this is the time to sit him down and tell him that 1. Termination is not that easy for many reasons and embarrassment doesn't quite match up to your feelings as a mother 2. What is said in heated moments does not mean termination is on the table or an option 3. To avoid child number 7 he will have take the snipp along side this pregnancy 4. Lessons learned, it is too late as number 6 is coming and you need to get to grips with the circumstances and prevent further "surprises" and get ready to welcome this surprise.

1. You* meaning your dh

What’s his reason for not wanting another? If he was that worried how it looked having 6 kids he should have sorted out the snip. Personally I would stick to my guns. X

Just repeat until it sticks. Abortion is not an option and he knows your circumstances and if he wants to avoid more children he needs to take responsibility. Has he taken part in the births? Tell him that labour pain is far worse then anything he would endure.

If a man doesn’t want another kid he should get the snip or take proper steps to ensure one isn’t created. What a man DOESNT do is stick his penis where it feels good and expect her to have the baby cut out of her if she gets upduffed like it isn’t his problem.
He created the kid and he has to provide and support now, whatever your decision

I’m not sure you will get lots of financial help from the government as someone just said but that isn’t the point if my post.

You already have a big family. I know someone who has 6 kids. As far as I know, none of us judged, we all just looked in awe! She is the calmest person I know. However if she Momoa we all the time then maybe people would judge.

Sod other people’s opinions. It is what you, and to a much lesser extent (imo) your husband thinks. He wasn’t careful and not were you, this shouldn’t really be a surprise to him. Don’t feel pressured into an abortion. Please don’t. I am totally pro choice but in your case it sounds as though you would regret it and it would cause a lot of pain and resentment towards your husband. If it becomes a case of terminate or divorce then he is a twat.

I would guess that he will come round. It sounds more like he feels you are considering“a bundle of cells” (were those his words?) as more important than his wishes, not as more important than your other children. Are all your children NT? I ask as mine aren’t and the attention and care they require is much greater than most kids. I would not be able to manage another child because of this issue.

I think you should do what you want and probably everything else will fall into place.

Thanks so much all, it's really hard, because he's usually my best friend, I know 6 is very little house on the prairie (!) but I feel like this baby has already beaten the odds to get here..
I don't want a pregnancy with him hating my guts,
and I dnt want to end the good life (with parents who are together) for my existing five children.
But I don't want to be bullied into doing something with my body.

The ironic thing is, if he'd been really gentle and kind and hugged me and supported me then maybe I could have listened more to his reasons, as it is he's making me want to leave totally!

Pugon, I'm not sure what NT stands for, but I'm guessing you mean do they have any additional needs? None of them do.

Which is actually something he's using - 'we've been lucky so far, y tempt fate'? Which I do sort of get, but also kinda feels like emotional black mail of a kind :-/

Would your marriage survive the stress of the resentment you will undoubtedly feel towards your dh? Would rather be on my own with 6 than married to such a man with 5 tbh.
I have been a lp with 6.

I am so so sorry that he is being horrible to you over this. How bloody dare he! It takes 2 to make a baby, and he needs to wise up to the fact that he could have prevented this but chose not to. Only you know if you can live with ending this pregnancy, but to do it because you're feeling pressured into doing so is the worst possible reason .

Yuk. He took a risk with your body and emotions for the sake of his pleasure, counting on the fact it would be more convenient for him to persuade you to get an abortion than to have a vasectomy.

I would make the decision about whether to stay with him first, and decide about the pregnancy after that.

You asked him to pull out and he didn't? That's rape.
He refused to get the snip.
He knew you could get pregnant and now want you to terminate because he's embarrassed? How is this man your best friend? He is not a good man. Dress it up as you want, a good man doesn't act this way.
I have never ever said this on here before, but keep the baby and Ltb

Woah. The sex sounds fully consensual, not pulling out is not really acceptable but it's not rape. Would your marriage survive his behaviour anyway op if you terminated? The fact is he caused this baby and is now not taking responsibility , for pretty shallow reasons , and blaming you for it. They are both very unattractive.

His reaction has been horrible. An abortion is a very tough decision and you can’t just get bullied into it.

He’s been irresponsible, didn’t get a vasectomy, didn’t always use a condom, didn't pull out etc He needs to man up and face the consequences.

Do NOT have an abortion, a medical procedure on your body that you do not want, for antoher person. What a nob, didn't want the snip but expects you to have a procedure.

'Worst case scenario if you are in the UK and you decide to separate and have the baby you will get alot of financial help from the government. '

That is in NO way true. If she's in a UC area there will not be much 'help' and she won't get additional tax credits for the new child and possibly for not more than the first two children if she has a new claim.

Six is hardly noticeably different to five. People comment at four but then stop counting or just roll their eyes. I think lots would understand your decision not to terminate. I certainly could never have done so.
He helped create the baby, he needs to overcome his embarrassment and start being a supportive partner.

PS op... I met a new dh and now have 11 dc. Don't think your chance of happiness stops with him.