Found out I miscarried & feeling empty

[webster144]

Hi everyone,
I previously posted on here about some problems I was having with spotting and early bleeding in my 5-6 weeks of pregnancy.

I had explained the whole story, this has been going on for about a week with some brown spotting and cramping, I had an early scan and unfortunately they were unable to see anything but didn’t rule out ectopic or that it was maybe just too early to see anything. I had blood taken and was told to come back in 48 hours to give more (today), and I’ve just found out about 15 minutes ago after a short phonecall with a midwife that I did indeed miscarry.

Since my scan on Wednesday the bleeding turned red and heavy, with lots of clots. I knew straight away I was miscarrying. I still gave my second lot of bloods this morning because you never know, but they’ve confirmed my worst fears and that my levels have dropped more than 50%.

I’m 25 and live a healthy lifestyle, I don’t drink or smoke and thought I was doing everything right, before and after I found out I was pregnant. I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself that I haven’t been able to hold a baby inside for more than 6 short weeks and my fiancée seems so beside himself, I feel awful for bringing this on him. He is the most beautiful soul in the world and has been amazing this last week with his words and looking after me and showering me with love but I can’t help feel so empty and alone since this all started as I knew it was the beginning of the end, especially as I welcomed pregnancy with open arms.

I don’t know what the purpose of this post is, I just needed to let it off my chest and hope that some of you out there can share some positive after stories where you have gone on to conceive shortly after a miscarriage? We plan on trying as soon as we can again, the midwife advised me I am able to get “back on it” (her choice of words), as soon as I feel ready, she said there’s no harm in waiting. I know some people have conflicting opinions on this though...

I’m also fearful that I conceive again, and this happens again. Physically I can deal with what is happening but emotionally this has hit me a lot harder than I thought. I lost my father at 15 and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to tackle, but this seems similar in the sense of the loss, I feel like something has been taken from me. I know some of you may be rolling your eyes and could say, “you were only 6 weeks”, but having this baby meant the world to both me and my partner as I’m sure it does for everyone else, and although I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a child later in pregnancy, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.

Any positivity would be great, and please no negativity here, the only person who knows is myself and my partner and I’m struggling to find the words to be able to speak to my friends or family, especially when they have no idea so any support or wise words here would be so much appreciated at this hard time x

Sorry to hear your news hun,
I understand your comments regarding "I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself that I haven’t been able to hold a baby inside for more than 6 short weeks ". I've never mc but i've suffered from pcos which has taken me ages to fall pregnant and one of my biggest fears is that i actually mc and that i'll feel ashamed/uselss about myself for not being able to give this baby a life. But as a friend of mine has told me, mc arent our fault and many times are because of chromosome problems so they werent meant to be and we couldnt have change anything.

As a positive comment I'd say, every person that i know that was healthy (with no fertility problems) and have gone through an early mc nowadays have got a baby or are expecting one, most of them got pregnant after a couple of months, so dont give up your hopes, you'll soon feel better and will be willing to try it again.

I was in a similar situation in February and miscarried. Sadly when they did my early scan then found an ovarian cyst which ended up being 9cm. No-one other than me and my dh know about the mc (oh and my supervisor at work) but obviously my family and friends know about the cyst as I had to have surgery. I was told to stop TTC as they need my ovaries to be healthy and didn't want to risk the surgery. I had the surgery in June which felt like that was my closure on the mc.
Fast forward a couple of months and I am 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I'm petrified a repeat will happen or I'll miscarry but please keep hope. I'm trying to stay positive for this pregnancy.
Just remember you are not alone during any of this, by the sounds of it your dp is super supportive, you need to look after and support eachother and allow yourselves time to grieve.
Yes you was 'only' 6 weeks pregnant but during that time you adapt, change your lifestyle, imagine your future and all of the things you now won't/will be able to do.
There's nothing anyone can say but please allow yourself time to come to terms with what happened.

I'm sure I read somewhere that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Having had one now should have no impact on your next pregnancy. Sending love

I'm so sorry to hear this

I had a miscarriage at five weeks earlier this year. It happened after 6 months of TTC but I then fell pregnant again the month after and am now 30 weeks pregnant. Everything has been absolutely fine with this pregnancy so far, I was quite anxious at the beginning because of the MC but as time went on that anxiety faded.

Miscarriage is a horrible experience no matter when in the pregnancy it happens, you're grieving for what could have been and it's really hard. I hope you have supportive people around you and are able to give yourself time xxx

I remember that feeling of emptiness it's like there's a hole in your heart and you cannot see ahead of you. I still remember wanting to go to sleep so badly and when I woke up I wanted to scream as I thought that something would have changed overnight and it would all be ok... and then facing people going on about their daily business when I couldn't cope :( and my MIL telling me I was only 11 weeks so why am I making it into such a disaster... but it passes, do whatever makes you cope, take each day as it comes, don't worry about what other people think, do the right thing for you and your fiancé.... wishing you all the best

I'm so sorry for your loss.There are no words of comfort really I'm afraid, you just need time. It's not your fault, it really isn't, but I have yet to meet a woman who has miscarried who doesn't think that (including myself) about themselves.

In looking back at my own early miscarriage a couple of years ago, I think it took me the best part of a year to accept what had happened and really move on. I was in a dark place at the time but didn't really realise it until I'd moved past it. Everybody takes their own time to grieve and you and your partner should give yourselves that time, no matter how long it is. Try and share your feelings with your partner - you haven't brought him onto it - it's a shared loss.

The best advice I was given was not to expect yourself to recover emotionally straight away, or even in a couple of months - don't 'expect' anything of yourself, only try to be kind to yourself and just accept how you feel and that you feel sad - of course you can grieve, it doesn't matter how far along you were. As other posters have said, it's the hope, the imagined future, and changes you were preparing for that are part of the loss.

Some close friends of mine who miscarried early tried again and fell pregnant soon after - and went on to have healthy pregnancies. It really is unfortunately very common and nothing to do with your health etc. I was told several times that you are more fertile immediately following a miscarriage.

I myself didn't fall pregnant again until two years later and I'm currently 28 weeks along. I think part of the reason for this delay was my stress and expectations after miscarrying - try to relax and just take each day at a time if you can.

All the best

It's awful, isn't it? I miscarried at 7 weeks last October and was miserable and angry for months. I was very emotionally unstable with frequent angry outbursts and crying. It's natural to feel how you're feeling. I am now 27 weeks pregnant. I have been a nervous wreck all through this pregnancy and I've been really ill with hyperemesis. You're young and healthy and the statistics are all in your favour. Miscarriages happen to so many women and it's not their fault. I remember reading that Beyoncé had a miscarriage and it comforted me because she's such a strong, physically fit and rich woman with personal trainers, diet coaches etc. and I just remember thinking that if it could happen to her, it could happen to anyone, and that's true! It will happen for you. You just have to keep going and stay positive.

Losses are an awful part of life, but I think there is something about mc that can especially stir up unjustified feeling of guilt and shame. That it's your body that somehow failed. It's not. Not at all. But it's very hard to switch out of that way of thinking. And if it's been a long journey to conceive it's like your hopes and dreams that you dared to believe could come true have suddenly been taken away again.

It also sounds like your situation is being really compounded by losing your Dad at such a young age, and perhaps grief that has never been resolved. So your brain is kind of trying to deal with both losses right now. That's mega tough.

You will get through this. But it will help if you talk to people. Don't try and do this alone. No one else is going to judge you the way you're judging yourself. And you need support to deal with this.
Please try to look after yourself as well. Don't punish yourself by not doing things that would help you to feel better.

I would suggest considering therapy at some point to help you with unresolved feelings around your Dad too.
Take care x

So sorry to hear your news hun. It#s not your fault at all and usually an early miscarriage is because there is big problems with the fetus so it's the bodies way of stopping it developing. There is nothing you did wrong. I had a miscarriage Christmas Day just gone at 5 weeks and blamed myself because I was still drinking coffee!!! One positive thing that came out of it is 6 weeks later I was pregnant again and I am now almost 38 weeks pregnant with my little boy and am having a csection next week.

Any emotions you are having are normal. Wondering if you could have done something different, upset, anger at the hope you had etc. I went through them all and I did have a cry on 29th August as would have been my due date.

Give yourself time to grieve and when you are ready try again but don't put any pressure on yourself as your body physically and mentally need time to recover. Big hugs xx

So sorry to hear of your loss

I lost my first pregnancy at 10 weeks, I fell pregnant again two months later and my LO is currently 5 months old and asleep upstairs. I’d suggest telling friends and family what has happened, they got me through it x

Sorry for your loss it's such a horrid time.

Like you I lost my first at 5-6 weeks and remember feeling so embarrassed and foolish for having been so excited.

The best advice was given by my gp. He said that this was my body on it's practise run just making sure everything was working ok before the real thing next time round. Sure enough I got pregnant again a few months later and now have a healthy 9 month old and a second on the way.

I won't lie I was much more cautious throughout my second pregnancy and didn't really relax for fear of something going wrong but I think that's just natural.

Be kind to yourself over the next few weeks and months your emotions will be all over the place for a while but you will get through it.

Sorry to hear your story OP. Am glad to hear you have a wonderful partner to support you. X

Im so so sorry. I miscarried at 6 weeks also and also felt people down played my grief because it was "so early" but for you in those few weeks you have had so much hope and excitement and they are still your baby

Take it easy on yourself.

I conceieved again 3 weeks after the mc, it wasn't intentional but we dtd after I'd stopped bleeding without thinking much about it and got the positive test 6 weeks after the mc. Baby is 10 months old now and is fantastic

Reading everyone’s stories are so lovely, can’t thank you enough for the kind and thoughtful words.
We plan on trying again when the bleeding stops, but have that horrible nagging in the back of my mind, “what if it happens again?”
Suppose you can’t live in fear for the rest of your life though...

Just want to say thank you for giving this horrible situation a little bit of light, and I hope I’ll be back one day soon to say I’m expcecting again!
Thanks everyone x

I'm not gonna lie, the panic may strike when you fall pregnant again- at least that happened to me... again just do one day at a time...that's all the advice I have... I don't quite know how I survived the first 12 weeks but just remember the panic when I felt something when I had to go to the toilet...but it's all worth it in the end regardless of how tough the journey may be...

Hi I have been in your situation and know how devastating you will be feeling and that feeling of guilt that you must have done something, I can 100% say it wasn't so anything you did. Someone said to me it's mother nature's way of being crue to be kind and it really did help me. I had a missed miscarriage, had brown discharge at 11 weeks and turns out baby died at 7 weeks, I still had all the pregnancy symptoms so it was a real shock. I actually ended up getting pregnant again 2 months after the miscarriage and she is now 20 months old and I have now found out I'm expecting again. There is a ray of light I asure you.

There are two lovely support groups on here, TTC after a miscarriage and one for pg ladies after a MC and I found them to be my saving grace as in RL its like everyone expects you to be fine after being blessed with another pregnancy but that lingering fear in the early weeks is very hard.

I also found I didn't want to tell many in RL until I was about 16 weeks so it was nice to discuss things.

Thankyou georgeisadinosaur for the suggestion of the support groups, I’ll have a look at them. I’m already looking forward to conceiving again and hope I don’t have a hard time as we conceived the first time almost straight away.

Thanks all so much, struggling today but feeling slightly more positive and trying to look towards the future x

There is no reason why you wouldn't be able to concieve quicky again. My GP told me that although emotionally it can take a long time to get over, our bodies can get over it really quickly and "return to normal".

Do let yourself grieve though in whatever way helps. I had a friend who MC at a similar stage to me and she planted a little tree in the garden and lights a candle every year on the due date and that helps her deal with it.

I'll add my two penneth...I too lost one at 5 weeks and was devastated, only me and my husband knew and it was incredibly hard. We conceived again the following year (didn't try for a while but caught on quickly when we did). It was hard to relax but when I got to about 8/9 weeks I did start thinking, oooh this is exciting! Unfortunately exactly a year to the day of the first one, we had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks (died 7-8wks) and it was horrific with hospitals and emergencies and everything and the family became involved. They were shocked we hadn't come for support the first time round and my mum cried a little tear as she hadn't wanted me to go through it all on my own. My family were a wonderful support and I just wanted to say TALK to people. I ended up spiralling down into depression and ended up seeing a counsellor. Now, hoping not to jinx it...I'm expecting again and just had my 12 week scan. I told everyone as soon as I knew I was pg as I reasoned IF it happens again I'm going to need picking up off the floor. I'm sending much love at this time to you, it's hard but seriously, talk to people, family, friends...you will be surprised just how many of your friends have gone through this too. Xxx

You've summed up exactly how I am feeling. I suffered a miscarriage at 5 weeks....and yes....it may have been 5 weeks but we had been trying for over a year and I now feel like it's just never going to happen. Please don't think you're alone in feeling like this as I completely get it. I never thought that it would have such an effect on me....2 months later and I still feel like I'm a complete failure. Sending everyone my love who has gone through something similar, I'm sure it will get easier with time x