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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To have a third or not to.....what is your advice?

22 replies

bubblymum · 16/07/2004 13:57

I have two beautiful children and as soon as the 2nd was born i just cried everytime i thought about never going through the whole wonderful experience of carrying and having another baby and in my mind was not ready to accpet that that was it my time had been and gone. My husband did not want anymore but did say that if i really wanted one he would to make me happy - not the circumstances around which to bring children into the world!! so i stopped on about it. Anyway, he has recently been talking about how nice it would be to have a little boy (would obviously love it whatever sex though) and i know that this is the closet it has been to the possibility of him agreeing to a third and probably it is now or never that i could persuade him whilst he's in this dreamy kind of state. In my mind i hate the thought of no more children yet at the same time i'm not totally 100% sure it is the right thing to do - is this a normal way to feel? i can't remember whether this apprehension is normal! is it only sensible to have another if you are in no doubt at all that that is what you want?
Bit jumbled i know but advice please

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jimmychoos · 16/07/2004 14:15

Hi BM
I am in the same situation. My dp has goone from being totally annti to saying he'd like another one two but just can't see how we will cope - we both work p-t and the logistics of childcare are quite hard sometimes. Also the attention a third will get from us.....I am in two minds and feel like you that I can't believe I won't be preg again (had two great preg.s and loved being preg, also love that small baby stage. I wonder whether this is natural and even if we go for no. 3 I'll feel the same after that - I'll have to accept at some point that it's the 'last one'. Or whether when you're ready to stop 'you just know'. I'm 38 this year and have decided that if I don't do it next year I'm not going to do it at all - just feel it's too risky (altho I know women have perfectly healthy babies later, just my own personal view) Will watch this with interest.

jimmychoos · 16/07/2004 14:16

Note to self....must preview. Mean 'another one too', not another one or two!

ponygirl · 16/07/2004 14:20

I have three and love it, I love the dynamnics of a family-of-five and the three children together. The baby adores the older two and they adore him. I think the apprehension is completely natural. I always knew I would have a third (biology willing) and knew it was right for us (and dh definitely wanted third too) but still wondered if I was completely mad. I'm now 99% decided not to have anymore - I'm quitting while I'm not exactly ahead, but maybe breaking even! I say go for it, both of you!

shrub · 16/07/2004 14:21

hi bubblymum - no advice but feeling similar. i got very tearful putting my ds2's (13 months) baby clothes away recently thinking is this the last time? i get very tearful whenever my ds2 reaches a milestone as its so bittersweet - proud that he's moving forward, sad that it's another baby behaviour that't gone. i was apprehensive through both pregnancies for different reasons and think i want to celebrate the feeling this time iykwim. this is the summer of our lives and i believe you don't want to get to the stage where you regret not having more. i have friends that say once you have 3-it is no more a shock to the system and the rest of the family than 2. i'm an only child aswell so this also plays a part in my reasoning. i have friends from big families - on the one hand, some aren't close to their siblings now they've grown up, but the ones that are - i just feel i really want that for my ds's. plus i want to be one of those old grannies clucking around my brood and hope they will be there for each other. not sure whether i'm an optimist, idealist or just plain broody!

Sid · 16/07/2004 14:23

I know what you mean, bubblymum, about apprehension. I have been dreaming for at least a year about having a fourth (have ds aged 7, dd aged 5 and ds aged 2). Recently my husband has been sounding more enthustiastic about another and suddenly part of me thinks that if we do have another, I will be punished for getting what I wanted so much - by having a terrible pregnancy, or a sick child, or it destroying our currently very happy family existence. We also had a long debate about a third, and went for it, and have never regretted it - if that is any consolation....

jimmychoos · 16/07/2004 14:24

Ponygirl that sounds lovely....I don't like the 'neatness' of two (i have one of each too so we really do look like advert family...) Maybe I crave more chaos deep down (must go and look at Cod's household tip thread...)

Twiglett · 16/07/2004 14:26

message withdrawn

Bibiboo · 16/07/2004 14:37

I say if you can afford it (in both money and time) then go for it. You obviously would love another child, and if DH agrees then why not? Only you know if you're doing it for the right reason, sure you'll make the right choice.

Original poster

bubblymum · 16/07/2004 14:48

Thanks for all those kind words. I know deep down that if i can hand on heart tell him that it is what i really want then i know we will have one (nature allowing) but i'm stuck in the situation whereby if he begged me i'd be delighted but i'm not sure i could beg him for something that has got to be really wanted by both of us. I just feel a pressure of 'it's now or never', he's older than me and he already finds them such hard work (not really that paternal) so i'm wondering whether i should half heartedly go for it now and hope that all my doubts fade once pregnant and do it now for fear of truly wanting another one later on and being told in no uncertain terms 'no'. I remember when my 2nd was born just how much i couldn't bear the thought of no more and i'm frightened that in the future that strong feeling will return and i would have missed out on what my be my last opportunity! But at the same time i don't at this present moment in time feel elated by the thought of pregnancy again nor another year of breastfeeding etc...........this is a hard decision.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 16/07/2004 14:49

message withdrawn

Original poster

bubblymum · 16/07/2004 14:55

Twiglett - your message made me laugh!!! it doesn't get clearer than that!!

OP posts:

ponygirl · 16/07/2004 15:00

Twiglett - absolutely!

Jummychoos - I always knew that I didn't want an advert family. Was desperate to have a dd first but had a ds. Then a dd. So a third was probably inevitable!

Tommy · 16/07/2004 15:02

Feel the same! My DH has gone from looking completely horified when I mention the possibility of number but yesterday he said something like "Well, if we did have another one....". Willhave to stop b/feeding DS2 first though I guess (or I will have to go to school to give him his lunchtime milk )and try and get him to sleep longer than a couple of hours so we can have sex!

Bagpuss30 · 16/07/2004 15:08

Reading this thread and nodding in agreement with the posts here as I have been feeling the same way for about a year now. DH originally said he would have another if I felt that I really wanted another, and then said we would start trying again after our holidays and now he is just saying no. He has a fear that if we had another baby it would be born with some terrible illness and that our luck is really down at the moment as our first child has a congenital heart defect. To cap it all, we had a really bad car accident at Christmas and he feels that we are all lucky to be alive and should count our blessings which I suppose is right although I'm not sure why this should make a difference to the planning of our family. I have a ds and a dd already and what most people see as a perfect family but I just long for another, to the point where I can burst into tears some days just thinking about it. Absolutely no advice for you I know, just sympathy, and like you, I don't want it to be a one sided decision either.

Jimjams · 16/07/2004 15:15

Well I got pregnant with the third (by mistake) after thinking about having a third, thinking it would be nice, but also thinking it would be a really stupid thing to do (ds1 is severely autistic, and just found out today that ds2 has a speech disorder). Not enjoying this pregnancy (never do though), not very keen on having to give birth (always hate it though!) and am slightly concerned that we are already pretty stretched if this one turns out to be disabled (not going to say as well as I don't count ds2 as being remotely disabled).

I could never have taken a decision to have a third because I really don't think it could ever be called a sensible choice. As for whether it was the right choice- I don't know we'll have to wait and see- ask me when it's 2. If the child is NT then I'm sure it will be lovely and will have been the right decision. If the child has a severe disability then I suspect we'll struggle.

I do know that I will never be broody again though, and I didn't feel that way after ds2.

lou33 · 16/07/2004 15:21

I cried my eyes out when I found I was pg with numbers 3 and 4.

CantBelieveItYet · 16/07/2004 15:37

I was in the same position as you - when I had baby no 2 I just couldn't imagine not doing it all again one last time. Despite the fact that it is going to be a financial nightmare, we just couldn't face not having a third. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant with no 3 and just about getting used to it, but thrilled nonetheless. There was no way I wanted to look back in 20 years and wish that I'd had another child. A friend said to me the other day that she sees me having 4 - am not so sure about that - unless I'm having twins

Canadianmom · 16/07/2004 15:59

We have 3 (Same age and gender as Sid's) and long for a fourth. Found 2 somewhat easier than 3 as it seems that one of them is often left out... Can't imagine life without number 3 but dh was in full agreement as well.

lilibet · 16/07/2004 16:00

I really really wanted 3 until ds1 was two!! I got pregnant by mistake and really love my brrod. I do have quite big gaps, at the moment they are 15,11 and 7.

the problems are,
nearly all packaged food comes in 4's.
None of them can ever take a friend anywhere unless you buy a six seater car.
One can be left out
You are your dp are now outnumbered
Depending on their ages, you don't have enough hands for crossing roads and things!

Having said that I love having three and wouldn't really be against no 4 if it came along!

Canadianmom · 16/07/2004 16:03

Should add that in an attempt to even out the numbers, we very nearly had 5 as I recently miscarried twins. Will need time to consider whether to try for a fourth at this point but I can't imagine ds2 being our last...

Mog · 16/07/2004 20:14

We had the dilemma of whether to go for number three too and we'll see what it's like in September! I think it is such a hard decision because it's almost like a selfish decision to have a third. Having a second is almost inevitable and a lot of people do it so as not to deprive the first of a sibling. But going up to three almost feels like chancing your luck. Once we made the decision it just felt so right.

Like a few on here I had a dd and ds and it all felt too 'cosy'. I wanted a larger family and a bit of chaos. I spoke with a few older women (past childbearing age) who wistfully told me they wished they'd had more children. And someone else said that once you imagine yourself with three, then that third one almost exists already i.e. you might always look at your two and imagine what it would be like with three.

I would say go for it, but then I might have a different story in 6 months time (doubt it though, don't think you ever regret the children you have).

karen01 · 16/07/2004 20:59

I had my DS last month (he is my 2nd. DD will be eight in Oct) I am already thinking about how ong I should leave it before i have number three, I want DS and no3 close but not to close so that I can't enjoy DS. I would like to fall this time next year but think I will leave it an extra year so that DS will be nearly 3.
bm-I think if it was what you think you want you should go with the flow and see what happens as by the sounds of it when you do tell DH that you are pg you will both be elated.

(sorry if message a bit muddled)

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