Hi there,
I am not sure if there is anyone out there who might be feeling the same way as me. But here it goes...
The moment I found out my partner of 3 and half years and I were expecting, I burst into tears not because of joy, more because we were not in a place to have a child. He already has two (5 and 6) with an ex and is currently struggling to pay CMS for both, so my first thought would be an abortion.
That weekend I went to see my eldest sister to talk to her about it, and she put things in perspective and I realized that this baby is meant to be, I was now given a purpose to live. In all honesty I was just living and not really for anything particular. My partner means the world to me and I love his kids.
At times I wanted a miscarriage, because going through an abortion would probably cause a rift between us, I know this sounds horrible, but I am a planner I need to know that we would be able to provide for our little one, as I never grew up with parents it's hard especially if you're struggling financially. Things got better, I saw my first scan and it felt real the worry left me and all I can think of is putting this little being before anything and anyone else.
Things have taken a turn now, the hopes of me becoming permanent with my secondment has taken a different turn. With the company that I work with I have a permanent role at another site, but made a career choice to go on a secondment, however they must have gotten wind that I was pregnant because they extended my contract to March and I go on MAT before it ends. It's sort of leaving me in limbo and I am worried about what could happen when I come back, would I go back to my old location or would the team I am seconded with take me back. These are questions I am trying to resolve before my MAT.
Then there is my partner, CMS base Child maintenance on income alone, and don't factor fixed expenses i.e. rent, loans etc, and he is struggling to pay them, its not like he doesn't want to provide for his children's, its the fact that he is working to just pay rent and travel, we try to see the kids as much as possible. He has reached out to his ex for help, and she sort of turned the other way. I am not a parent right now but my logic is that there has to be a compromise. This is just adding more to all my worries.
Then last night we notified our landlord we are expecting, we are trying to renew our contract for 1 bedroom flat and they did not look too happy, we do not have the money for a new flat as we would need to be able to put deposits down, rent and admin fees. This has now caused some more concerns because where we are I am 7min away from the hospital, 2min from my doctors is the perfect location and I can not go through all this worry.
Today I feel like I am making a mistake, my partner is so zen and I am the frantic one.
I don't know what to do, I don't really have family to help me out either.
Is there anyone out there who could just help me ease this stress?