24 weeks pregnant and feeling very low about my body. Sorry this is so long, needed to get it off my chest.
When I was a teenager, I was painfully shy, nerdy and hated the way I looked. I used to binge eat on junk food and never exercised so I unsurprisingly became quite plump, which just made me feel worse about myself. The summer before I went to uni, I decided to change so I went to the gym every day and ate healthily. The weight just fell off.
I had a great time at uni. I came out of my shell and was showered in male attention. I probably swung too much the other way though as I was quite skinny and lived in fear of putting on weight and worked hard to keep it off.
Post uni, I hit a more balanced place. I was still slim 10, ate healthily and exercised most days but because that's what I preferred to do rather than because I was trying to maintain my weight. I felt attractive and comfortable in my own skin despite any weight fluctuations.
When I was first introduced to my husband, I had lost a lot of weight (too much). It was because I had gone through a difficult break up and lost my appetite so it wasn't intentional. I soon bounced up again to a size 10 rather than an skinny 8. So slim and by no means fat.
Fast forward a few years and we are a few weeks away from getting married. Tensions are running high and end up having a massive argument with DP. Can't even remember what triggered it, something petty, but it rapidly escalated. We were both hitting below the belt and neither of us showering ourselves in glory. Then DP said "well there are things that we would both like to change about the other but we've got to accept that those things may never change. When we first got together, I used to wonder when you were going to lose the weight but now I've accepted that you probably never will and I've come to terms with that". After further questioning, he said that he typically found women who were skinnier than me more attractive but that he loved me and had grown to accept my body as that of the woman he loved. To put things in perspective, when he said this to me I was a size 10, 5foot7, 9 1/2 stone, BMI 20.8. The argument stopped as I was crushed. I had no idea that he felt that way about me.
Things were eventually resolved and we got married but the seed of my body not being good enough for him was planted in my mind.
A few very stressful things happened in our first year of marriage. I also injured my knee and had to stop running. I started to feel very very low and to cope I started to eat-binge eating on junk food. Unsurprisingly, I put on a 1 1/2 stone in 6-8 months and went up 1-2 dress sizes. DH kept commenting on my weight gain and on literally everything I ate. We had wanted to TTC, but he wanted to put that on hold until I was back to my pre-marriage weight.
In the end, I snapped and said that I'm very aware of my weight gain and that my diet was poor at the moment. I explained about my past difficult relationship with food and how his past comments about my weight and body made me feel. That my weight and eating habits were emotionally tied. Therefore making me feel bad and ashamed about myself was making the situation ten times worse. When I eventually started to feel better and happier about life, that the weight would most likely go as well, but if the best he could ever do was just accept my body rather than treasure it then he should leave now and make room in my life for someone who would make me feel adored.
In all fairness to him, he took everything that I said on board, apologised and changed his tune. I started to feel less down and lo and behold started to lose a little weight again.
I fell pregnant unexpectedly, which we were both happy about. My booking BMI was 23.5 so again all very normal. My diet has been intermittently poor since getting pregnant and I've struggled to do any exercise. I've gained about 6- 7 kilos at 24 weeks and feel humongous.
I'm really struggling with other people's comments about my body. For example, a skinny friend who had not seen me post wedding as she was working abroad came to visit last week and said "god it's hilarious seeing you actually look fat, I can't get over it!" Thanks for that. Another woman I'd literally just met said to me "so are you pregnant or just fat?"
I am meant to be bridesmaid at a friend who lives abroad wedding in a fortnight. She had the bridesmaid dresses made in her home country. She had used measurements from earlier in pregnancy and increased them slightly. Before she posted out the dress she said, I tried the dress on and I'm afraid that the dress is gigantic. You will probably need to get it taken in if anything. The original plan had been for the dress to be an empire line to help with my expanding form but the bridesmaids who attended the fitting had persuaded the bride to alter the design for a slightly lower waist band which is much more less flattering for a pregnant form so I just look big all over. I can get the zip up (just!) but the dress is too tight in some places and big in other places. I've contacted a few seamstresses where I live to try and get it altered but after sending photos they have said that it is too big a job. One offered to have a go for £800, which is more than the dress cost originally. I've diplomatically told the bride that it's going to need some adjustment but I don't want to put any stress on her plate. She kindly told me that she doesn't care what I do to the dress or what I wear just as long as I'm there next to her. So I'm just going to have to try and shoe horn myself into it and get on with it. I know that all the attention will be on the bride but I honestly just want to hide myself under a stone rather than have people looking at my pregnant body and make comments. I'm overjoyed to be having a baby but this morning, I have been in tears, feeling trapped by my ever increasing size. I feel like I have lost control. I'm dreading the wedding (for selfish reasons-I'm delighted to see my friend find happiness) and I'm panicked that my husband may never find me attractive again.