Prenatal Dna testing

[rosegarden45]

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post and a controversial one.

I'm approx 10 weeks pregnant.
We'd been trying to conceive for 6 years and under fertility consultant since last September. I was started on Clomid and Metformin in January. It messed with my head, sent me into depression and made me question my relationship etc. By April we decided to stop trying and give ourselves a break until about Christmas time.

In the meantime my friend at work was also going through treatment with his wife. We were close and would talk about it all. He knew how much my head was messed up and how much I was desperate to be a mum but thinking my husband no longer loved me. One thing led to another and we ended up having an affair for 3 months. I hate myself for it. I look back now and hate him for taking advantage whilst I was in that state but I know it takes 2 so i am also to blame.
In July he had a letter about an IVF start date at that point I said it was over, I wasn't going to be the other woman whilst his wife went through treatment.
My head started to clear and I realised how much I adore my husband and I made a huge mistake having the affair. My husband and I got back on track. He is unaware of my infidelity.

Then the shock happened, I found out in august that I'm pregnant. The worst part about it is I don't know who the father is. I've wanted a baby for so long and tried treatments that didn't work and now out of the blue it happened naturally and I don't know what to do. My husband is over the moon at being a dad. I can't bear to tell him about what I've done because it will tear us apart.

Now the guy who was my 'friend' is threatening me. Says he needs my due date so he can go to the courts for a DNA test and potentially have his name on the birth certificate.

I've always been dead against abortion but feel it may be my only option but then after trying for so long this could be my only pregnancy.

I'm feeling trapped in an unthinkable situation, like something off Jeremy Kyle. I need to get a DNA test sooner rather than later. Does anyone have any advice? I appreciate that some people may find my post offensive, I apologise.

If there is a reliable prenatal DNA test I can take to put my mind at ease I would do it. I'm just not sure I can continue with this stress until April/May not knowing what will happen after I give birth

I don't have any advise about DNA tests sorry but just wanted to say that I would speak to someone if you can. This sounds horrendously stressful -I'm not passing judgement either way- and to deal with that in the first trimester must be very hard.

If you're considering abortion I think you really need support to ensure you come to decision which is right for you. And as I'm guessing you can't speak about this to many people, getting some outside support might help.

If you love your husband and truly want to be with him going forward, I think you need to tell him the truth. Things like this will always come to light and if he hears it from someone else chances are it will be worse. You were in a bad place and made a bad decision, he's obviously not going to be happy but you may feel like a weight has been lifted if you are honest with him and start that process. I think it's only fair to manage his expectations with regards to the baby potentially not being his too. Especially as the other man has that information.

Just wanted to add, that if a future with your husband isn't definitely what you want, I would really consider the implications of not keeping this baby you've wanted for so long. Please don't allow either of them to push you to feeling like you can't keep them, it that's not 100% concrete what YOU want to do.

Maybe you need to confide in your mw - she isn't there to judge - and try and work out when you likely conceived. If this is your first pregnancy many women don't actually know how the timing can be worked out. Obviously not too accurate but maybe a window that would make sense to you one way or another.

You can privately pursue non-invasive DNA testing - a clinic will look for the foetal DNA in a sample of your blood. However, you'll need some kind of sample from either your husband or the OM to compare it to and the test may come back with no result if they aren't able to isolate enough of the fetal DNA. I think there are more invasive amniocentesis-type tests but these carry a risk of miscarriage.

Honestly, I think you have two choices here:
A) terminate the pregnancy
B) confess to your husband, get the test and face the consequences.
Bear in mind that option A still carries a risk of your husband finding out about the affair. It doesn't seem like the OM is going to go away and let this rest so the odds that it will all come out are very high.

I'm not going to paint you with a scarlet letter or anything, but you had this affair and it now has consequences that affect quite a few people - your husband, the OM, his wife, any children they have, this child - for the rest of their lives. I don't think this is going to stay a secret, and with that in mind, I would think about how you might cope with being a single parent to this baby, whether it's your husband's or OM's, and whether it is fair to the child to perhaps live in ignorance/live a lie about his or her genetic heritage.