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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Do you think Dads to be bond more after they've seen a scan?

25 replies

RedBlackberries · 14/09/2017 09:56

Just asking because dh has been a bit scared and down since I got pregnant unplanned. I was having some pinkish discharge so had a scan and was really excited to see a tiny heartbeat!!! I called him later to say and he was quite blasé about it (but apparently he was with his bro at the time). I got a little fuzzy pic and left it on the table with a note saying hello daddy last night and he didn't mentioion it. He didn't really connect last time till dd was actually born but I know some men are like that.

What can I do to get him to bond with the baby whilst I'm pregnant?

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cakesandphotos · 14/09/2017 10:04

I think it's hard for them. Nothing really changes for men until after baby is born. My DH looked completely shell shocked after our early scan. I think seeing on the monitor made it feel more real! Now I'm showing more he's definitely more interested in talking to baby etc. I just think on the whole, men process things differently

BoredOnMatLeave · 14/09/2017 10:06

Why couldn't he go to the scan with you? I think its hard to connect with a picture but when you are there in the room it's more likely for him to bond.

Original poster

RedBlackberries · 14/09/2017 10:14

The scan wasn't booked because I was spotting. He was at work and wasn't bother to come which was fine by me.

It must be hard compared to us actually carrying them but I think it's important to bond before it's there.

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BoredOnMatLeave · 14/09/2017 10:36

In that case I wouldn't think too much of it and see what he is like at your 12 week scan. Good luck with your pregnancy and congrats

Lemondrop99 · 14/09/2017 10:41

Even with attending the scans, I still think the whole thing was very surreal to my DH. As the bump grew and he could feel movements, it became a bit more real to him but still a very abstract concept. He does occasionally talk to and touch the bump, but I wouldn't say he's particularly bonded to the baby at this stage. It's a very different experience for the father, who does get to feel all the symptoms and wiggles that the mother does. Further, he seemed to think 9 months was forever, and was genuinely surprised when I reminded him how close the due date was in weeks the other day. I'm not concerned, he's happy about the baby and I'm sure he'll bond when baby arrives.

Lemondrop99 · 14/09/2017 10:43

Plus, without sounding funny, a baby only just about looks like a baby at the 12 weeks scan (an still very alien like). Prior to that, they mostly look like a prawn/jellybean. You got to see the heartbeat, which would have been wonderful. He gets a grey splodge on a piece of paper that looks nothing like a baby, so I can see why he might not have been hugely excited by it.

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 14/09/2017 10:55

Seeing and then holding the baby was, for me, the first time it was "real". I liked feeling the kicking (more enjoyable for me than my X, understandably) but it was still like Christmas presents that are wrapped - could be anything.

I spent a few months at home with our newborn and that was incredible for me, cannot recommend it highly enough if it's an option for your DH

GlitterSparkles17 · 14/09/2017 11:46

I think its harder for men to feel connected or have a bond to an unborn baby, especially in the early stages. My DH only really got enthusiastic after he knew everything was ok at 12 weeks and then as my bumps been growing he's got more and more involved, he never missed a scan and even booked a private one as a surprise for me, loves to feel baby kicking etc. But before 12 weeks he barely mentioned the pregnancy as I don't think it feels real at that point.

As the person who's carrying the baby its obviously a lot different for us. I'm sure your DP will bond more once your bump gets more visible and things become a bit more "real"

Original poster

RedBlackberries · 14/09/2017 17:41

Yes jellybean the scan pic was really just a fuzzy bean . We've both been a bit up and down about the surprise pregnancy but waiting for the scan made me realise I'm actually really looking forward to having another baby and probably started connecting a bit more myself at that point.

Thanks for the congrats!

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meltingmarshmallows · 14/09/2017 17:48

I've nagged my DH a bit for not being more interested in things like baby books etc, but realised for me there's not a single day since the BFP I've not been aware I'm pregnant. In some ways, besides having to listen to more moaning than normal, his life has changed a lot more gradually.

He was supportive and excited at the scans but the 16w scan we had I think really made a big difference. As we could see her kicking and thrashing around.

He does feel the kicks etc but is less fascinated with them than me. Have to remember how vastly different they feel from the inside vs the outside.

I think it's hard to bond with the bump from their perspective but hopefully it will feel more real for your DP when he attends the scan.

WhyTheHeckMe · 14/09/2017 18:24

2 years ago when I was pregnant me and dh rowed all the time over this. He didn't seem to give a shit that I was pregnant. Never spoke about it, never asked how I felt, nothing. I used to genuinely lose sleep over worrying that I'd made a massive mistake and he'd be an awful dad.
Actually the second the baby was born, he changed. He is the most amazing dad I've ever met, even random strangers comment on how lovely their bond is.
I'm now pg again and yet again he acts like it's not happening.
I think men just need something there in front of him. Dh doesn't get emotional at scans or anything, men! !

mycatloveslego · 14/09/2017 18:42

Congratulations! My DH didn't really bond with the pregnancy until I had an obvious bump. I think it didn't feel real for him until then and he was probably protecting himself from getting too invested in the early stages in case it didn't work out.

Expectingbsbunumber2 · 14/09/2017 19:14

At my first scan my other half was in shock I think as this is first baby he was very overwhelmed in a good way. Baby was wriggling away so was amazing

Original poster

RedBlackberries · 14/09/2017 19:22

Congratulations to everyone who's pregnant too!! It's reassuring to here it's quite a normal reaction.

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SockQueen · 14/09/2017 23:05

I don't think my DH "bonded" with DS until he was born, really. He came to my scans and liked seeing them, would try to feel movements etc (DS was never very obliging!) and was great at looking after me, but the concept of the actual baby only became real once he was here.

OnNaturesCourse · 15/09/2017 09:19

I've heard a saying...

A woman becomes a mother the day she finds out she's pregnant.
A man becomes a father the day he holds his baby.

My DP is great at looking after me, listening to things I tell him and ensuring things are ready for baby's arrival but I don't yet see a huge emotional connection. There is one there but it doesn't seem to be much in comparison to what I feel... But I've carries this baby for 30 weeks now while he has only been witness to that.

I definitely see some truth in the saying above

DeadDoorpost · 15/09/2017 09:30

Although DH has always wanted children when I told him I was pregnant he didn't really react. Maybe because it was half planned/half not but he didn't really start to show excitement until the 20 week scan when he was able to be there for it. And then again when he first felt the baby move at 23 weeks. He'll sit quite happily with his hands on my stomach when the baby moves but he's not really into getting or buying baby things yet. I think he's still a little bit in denial but he does at least make up for it by telling me everyday how beautiful and not-fat i am (because I don't feel 30 weeks pregnant just fat). He has admitted to his feelings though. after I asked him about it when crying that he didn't care the pesky hormones

ijustwannadance · 15/09/2017 09:43

My DP is a fantastic dad and bonded with DD1 as soon as she was born, but not before. He didn't like touching bump and felt daft talking to it. No problem. He just found it a bit uncomfortable.

Baby 2 is currently using my bladder as a football yet I don't feel a massive bond either. Didn't with DD1 at first either. Again, no problem. Everyone has their own reaction to pregnancy. Doesn't mean they won't be a good parent.

reetgood · 15/09/2017 11:11

Before the 12 week scan, I think my boyfriend was very conscious of the higher risk of miscarriage. I may have laid it on a bit thick, thinking about it. The 12 week scan we didn't see that much as baby was not co-operating and I was bloated. At 12 weeks I think we were both still slightly freaking out (still are!) and he was not ready to be called daddy.

He told me to get him a book, as I think it didn't feel real to him and it's our first, we're both a bit clueless! He told me to leave him alone, and let him process the information at his own pace without hovering over him :D and that's what he did. He's really taken the book on board and I think he likes knowing what he can do to be supportive. Little bits of information are significant to him, like he keeps mentioning that the baby has ears and develops awareness of sound around now (I'm 24 weeks) and that's helped him connect. Unfortunately he missed 20 week scan but I suspect that would have been more significant to him.

NewDaddie · 15/09/2017 13:47

The scans were a bit meh but for both of us. We didn't have a private scan and the nhs ones were both conveyor belt affairs.

I felt closer to dw than ever before when she was pregnant and we were together for 18 years by that point (together since 16). But I don't know if I felt bonded to dd before she was born, I definitely felt facinated and I would have been devastated if she didn't make it but I don't know if that's what you're talking about. I didn't feel emotional until the birth but I'm not a very emotional person tbf.

gluteustothemaximus · 15/09/2017 15:40

I loved the scans, and so did DH, it made it more real for both of us, plus less worry to find out all is ok.

But, not sure about bonding. It's hard. Scans made it exciting/emotional but not necessarily bonding going on. Second DD and DS2 popped out though, bond was instant.

He is an awesome Dad. I really should tell him more often.

Congratulations OP! Hope all goes well x

Original poster

RedBlackberries · 15/09/2017 16:30

Ahh thanks everyone. I'm actually bonding with it quicker than I thought considering I was really up and down about being pregnant in the first place!

I going to try and get him to go to more midwife appointments and both scans this time. I won't push it though!!

OP posts:

meltingmarshmallows · 15/09/2017 17:17

@RedBlackberries I'd maybe skip the midwife apps, I was so excited to start mine but they're pretty boring & quick affairs after booking. Literally just a brief chat, blood pressure, check fundal height and dip your wee.

ANN200829 · 17/09/2017 12:10

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ICJump · 18/09/2017 01:36

I know I'm odd but I find scans really disconnecting while I'm pregnant. It's as if the image bears no resemblance to the baby I'm carrying and the image could be anybody.

So I can't totally understand why a picture wouldn't feel like a bonding moment.

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