Hello,
I'm posting for the first time but would like to hear if anyone has had similar experiences to my own or can give any advice.
A few weeks ago my wife gave birth after an extremely traumatic delivery (which I won't go into) but we had some really negative experiences after the birth. Our son had to be taken to the intensive care unit and I was asked to go to make decisions about feeding, antibiotics, Vitamin K and some other things. I was torn between leaving my wife, who was in shock and and going with my child but eventually I left my wife with around 5 midwives, doctors etc and went to the intensive care unit. After a bit the nurse said that our son had to be fed so I'd have to go and ask my wife if she could come and breastfeed. This had been our plan but the birth was so traumatic so I didn't know whether she could. After spending 20 minutes fruitlessly pressing the buzzer to regain access to the labour ward I found my wife alone, still covered in blood and with the ward still covered in blood as nothing had been cleared up. When I spoke to her she'd been sick and passed out she didn't know what had happened. She couldn't remember if she'd given birth and couldn't really engage in a conversation with me. I took about 15 minutes pressing the buzzer to get back into the intensive care ward before saying that they should give him some formula.
Because our son had to stay in the intensive care ward my wife was given a private room for the night and although I'd originally planned to go home to rest we decided that I should stay in the hospital as my wife (who suffers from anxiety anyway) began recalling the birth in flashbacks and I couldn't have left her alone. We are a very strong team together and although my wife was the one who suffered through the pregnancy and birth we have always thought that we would do everything after the birth together. But in the following days we were increasingly annoyed at how I was treated as a father and how my ability to contribute was dismissed. Below are a few examples but there are loads more;
- The chair next to my wife's bed was extremely uncomfortable so I decided to lie on the floor (fully clothed and in a private room) on the other side of my wife's bed. When the first midwife came in she simply stated that 'guests aren't allowed on the floor' and walked out again. I stayed for a few nights but then my mother in law took over for the last night. She brought a sleeping bag and roll mat and slept on the floor with no problems.
- In the morning we were able to collect out son from intensive care. My wife was still in a terrible state, in pain all over and still in a high state of shock and anxiety. She wanted to breastfeed but wasn't physically or mentally able to and had to go asleep. She chose to sit on the chair as she has an autoimmune condition that affects her back and this is often how she sleeps. As our son hadn't had much human contact I decided to do skin to skin with him as our NCT class had encouraged fathers to perform this task if the mother could not. I lied on the bed and put him under my top on my skin. It was an incredible experience and I really felt that I was contributing to his wellbeing and forming a bond. Then a midwife came in, saw that I had him and just said 'visitors aren't allowed on the bed'. When I explained what I was doing she said that my wife would have to do it instead. I was devastated.
- The next morning, after a terrible night for my wife she managed to get to sleep and I was delighted. A lady came into the room and said that our son had to be taken for a hearing test. I moved to the cot to take him but she said that I couldn't take him as the mother had to. I asked why and was told that this was just how it is. I said that I wouldn't wake her as she'd barely slept for 4 days (the labour was 3 days)so she said she'd come back later. When she did my wife was awake but they couldn't find a wheelchair (she was too weak to walk) so they had to do the hearing test in the room. I happened to be holding our son when she came in so she had to direct all the instructions of how to hold and move him to me but she pointedly directed all her finding to my wife. This was a frequent occurrence and despite me being far more lucid and on top of the details (as my wife could barely function) every single conversation with doctors and midwives about our son was directed to her and I felt like I was eavesdropping so I could hear everything to tell her later. If I answered questions because she couldn't remember the answers, they invariably asked her to confirm that I was correct.
- It's now a few weeks after the birth and we took our son to be registered. On the phone the registrar explained to us that I could take him alone but she would prefer the mother rather than the father to go. When we arrived she explained that either of us could sign the birth certificate but she'd prefer it to be my wife. Apparently this is 'official policy'.
I hope this message doesn't come across as a complaint about male rights as I don't mean it like this. I've also read some comments here about men on maternity wards and appreciate that women may feel uncomfortable with men around when they are feeling vulnerable. However we were in a private room so this was not an issue.
My issue is that father's can contribute more in the immediate aftermath or birth especially if the mother has suffered and their appears to be an institutional bias against father's that is detrimental to both the child and the mother. When my wife was in such a terrible state as she was I felt that I could have taken on more of the childcare I was prevented from doing so by the hospital. I was very much made to feel like I was just in the way and shouldn't be there. This sort of attitude so early on must have a damaging affect on a father's understanding of his role in childcare and it seems no wonder to me that some men are not as engaged with their children as much as they could be.
Sorry for the really long post, I'd appreciate other people's views and opinions.
PS: Mother and son are doing really well now.