Hello,
Ridiculously anxious posting this, please bear with me. My eldest son died extremely suddenly, aged 20, in May. My ex partner committed suicide last Sunday under horrific circumstances. We have, had, one child together. We are all in total shock.
I was sterilised in April. It was my choice, I do not want any more children, even now that I have lost my boy.
Am horrified to admit that sex with my current partner actually helps me at the moment; I go into another part of me, it's almost primal. Please don't judge me.
However, I have had a number of children and every time I have been pregnant, the smell of smoke, in fact even the thought of the smell of smoke knocks me utterly sick. My current partner smokes. It's never bothered me up until about a week ago. Historically, I know I'm pregnant really quickly (have been pregnant 6 times). My boobs are currently tender, I have headaches, I am dizzy and absolutely knackered. However, am also grieving, trying to look after two young children - one of whom is in pieces having lost her dad - visiting my son's grave every day and also training for a half marathon next weekend.
I am absolutely shitting myself that I am pregnant. Have taken a test, it was negative, but I know it's too early to tell yet, it's maybe 5 days before my period is due (though they are completely all over the place).
I know it's a 1 in 200 chance. I know am stupidly fertile. I also know if I was everyone around me would be so thrilled and call it a "gift from my son" or some shit like that. Part of me wonders if I am desperately craving the feel of new life again, despite genuinely not wanting another child. I had an extremely vivid dream 10 days ago where I dreamed I had given birth to my partner's child and woke feeling as though I could literally feel this baby suckling my breast (I always breastfeed).
Can anyone tell me if they have heard of pregnancy after sterilisation please? It was a tubal ligation I had, beginning of April. I am fully willing to accept that this is part of my grieving process and also know that I will only know via testing in a week or so. I just need a bit of support until I know.
Thanks in advance
X