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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Parents in law staying for a week: when is best?

30 replies

Alexandra07 · 27/08/2017 17:25

My parents in law leave abroad and they want to come and stay with us for a week after baby is born (due date end of November). They are both lovely! I expect them to be understanding and out of the way, although that will mean we will have to cook for 4. This is my first pregnancy, their first grand child and probably only one. I understand that they want to come and visit as soon as they can, the trip is long and they want to stay for 1 week.

When is the best time to tell them they can visit?

I was thinking that during the first 2-3 weeks it would be hard to have 2 more people staying in the house and anyway the baby will be sleeping most of the time, right? Any advice??

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mimiholls · 27/08/2017 17:33

You definitely shouldnt be having to cook for them all evey night! If they are understanding they will be cooking or organising take away and doing any chores they can to help! Personally i wouldnt want anyone staying for that long but if you do I would wait 3 or 4 weeks. You're barely back on your feet before then. I have found it's easy for parents to forget how hard it is to have a newborn for the first time so make sure you ask for all the help you need!

filou87 · 27/08/2017 17:35

Following OP.

I am in exactly the same situation. My husband also works away 2 weeks, home 2 weeks so I'd like some time with him before my in laws come (also lovely and helpful and overseas). I'm thinking to have them about 5 weeks after due date,.

Katescurios · 27/08/2017 17:36

I'd say when the baby is is over 3 months old, that way you'll be into the rhythm of it a bit and you may enjoy the opportunity to have them babysit while you go out with your hubby.

2014newme · 27/08/2017 17:38

Decide when baby is here. Don't be pressured to agree to anything before baby comes.

Busy77 · 27/08/2017 17:39

I don't think you can ask them to wait 3 months to meet their first grandchild - a week after birth you will be feeling a lot more confident and hopefully happy to have them there. Can they book at short notice?

boopdoop · 27/08/2017 19:23

How flexible / last minute can they be? For my jest he was born 13 days later thank due date and then we ended up staying in hospital for 6 days, so we only made it home almost 3 weeks after due date... as long as they'll be helpful with cooking and chores, and giving you space, and you all get on them it'll be fine, it if it's in the 2-3 weeks after due date be aware you might still be in hospital or when you've just got home. If it was me I'd be trying to see if they can wait until baby is here to book, or give it at least 3 weeks after due date.

Original poster

Alexandra07 · 27/08/2017 19:43

Thank you for the input!
I think that they could book last minute (1-2 weeks in advance) for dates before or after Christmas, tickets for the Christmas period will have to be booked in advance.

If they come and I (or my partner) ask them to cook for us, how could we do this in advance in a tactful way? I can't say, you are welcome to come but you will need to cook for us! Maybe they already think that they will do it but how can I bring it up?

OP posts:

Ttbb · 27/08/2017 19:47

If they aren't any trouble then the sooner the better. You and baby will be catching up on rest and they will hopefully be helpful to you.

Changerofname987654321 · 27/08/2017 19:48

If they are staying at your house with a new born then they should be doing the cooking and cleaning. I was in hospital until DD was 11 days and then just sat around with my boobs hanging out trying to establish breast feeding.

The should know but may not fully remember the reality of a new born (human brain forgets traumatic events) so your DH need to say they can either say in a hotel or stay at yours and help out because with a new born you won't be able to look after them.

MsPassepartout · 27/08/2017 19:49

I think a huge amount depends on how helpful they are.

If the birth doesn't go completely smoothly, and you're a while recovering, then looking after extra adults on top of learning to care for a newborn is the last thing you'll need.

Could you maybe say that they'll have to be prepared to sort their own food, laundry etc out, as you may not be up to it e.g. if you've had a c-section or lost more blood than usual?

silkybear · 27/08/2017 20:00

Give it at least 3 weeks. At least. Not all babies sleep all the time, no. I got less than an hour unbroken sleep a night for the first 2-3 weeks at least. We didnt have overnight visitors until about 3 months in and that was still a massive effort. If they do stay get dh to cook while you care for the baby. How big is your house, are they prepared to be woken up in the night with a screaming newborn? Can they stay in a nearby hotel? Dont commit to anything until the baby actually arrives, you just don't know how you will feel until then. You might be fine but if you are not it just adds a whole extra level of unneeded stress. Hopefully you get a chilled one Good luck!

EssentialHummus · 27/08/2017 20:03

I'm in the same boat(ish) and have told both sets of GPs (abroad) that we'll let them know when we're ready. I think that I personally wouldn't want visitors staying until a month or so, sooner if they can stay elsewhere and just be with us during the day.

"If they come and I (or my partner) ask them to cook for us, how could we do this in advance in a tactful way?"

DP needs to say, "You're welcome at [time/date], but I expect that we'll need your help with meals and cooking for all of us, are you OK with that?"

Or, frankly, get a Tesco order in of cereal (breakfast), prepped meats and veg and lasagne type meals that can just go in the oven with minimal intervention. I'm due in a week (eek!) and have gotten in a big shop with lots of the above for the freezer, along with long-life milk.

I don't think meals are the critical thing - it's having two people hanging around 24/7 when you may not feel up to it.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 27/08/2017 20:04

You shouldn't be expected to entertain after you've had a baby...the fact you even think like this must mean they may expect which means they can't be very nice people after all. My honest opinion (4 kids and a trillion nightmare out-law visitor stories) i'd say never...

Phillipa12 · 27/08/2017 20:05

How about from the 27th Dec for a week, you could be on time or 2 weeks late, either way you will have xmas as a family and then inlaws can come for new year and hopefully your dh will be off so you can do some trips. I had my first at the end of Novemeber and having the whole family up over the xmas holidays was lovely.

Original poster

Alexandra07 · 27/08/2017 20:13

I think I wasn't clear about the "baby sleeping most of the time at the beginning". I have in my mind that at the beginning there will not be really a lot of time for visitors to play and cuddle the baby, since it will be either sleeping or feeding/attached to my boob...! I was thinking to use the argument, come later when the baby is awake for longer periods at one time so you can interact with it since you will make such a long trip. But maybe I am completely wrong!

I think that both my parents and my parents in law have forgotten how life is with newborns... My parents hadn't realised that the baby may arrive later than the due date, or earlier! Or that I may have a c-section and I will have to recover for some weeks...

OP posts:

cheminotte · 27/08/2017 20:18

Ideally between 6 weeks and 3 months! You may not be home until 3 weeks after your due date at least and will need some time to get used to the situation. How far are they coming? Could they visit for a couple of days, go and do some tourist stuff and then visit for a couple more days? If within Europe I think just a weekend visit would be better.

howthelightgetsin · 27/08/2017 20:32

How many rooms do you have?

At the start I used to migrate through bedrooms during the night... start in our room and then get up with the baby who had his night and days mixed up and just would NOT sleep lying down .. so I would watch TV for half the night in the living room with the baby on my boob, and then we'd try and find somewhere to sleep which sometimes meant an hour or two in the spare room, and sometimes (and I have no idea why) we'd both just collapse on the kitchen floor (!!). Then from about 5 I'd wake up DP and have him take over the baby and I'd sleep (waking every time the baby needing feeding).
I was fine having visitors in the hotel near by but staying was a nightmare because I felt like I didn't have full right to roam the house at night and I had to be careful not to have a baby crying near the spare room, and obviously I didn't want to be up at 2am watching TV topless with a baby on my boon for 3 hours straight in case someone walked in to try to help ...

So yeah my answer is, it depends how big your house is.

pileoflaundry · 27/08/2017 20:36

My DC1 was ill after birth. Having the in-laws stay would have broken me.

They visited for the day not long after birth. They spent the time chatting with DH, whilst I spent the hours in a different room, either trying to get the baby to feed or to sleep - all that she wanted to do was scream. I'd had less than 2 hours' sleep per night every night since birth. In the end I had to ask them to leave, so that DH could help me.

Sleep deprivation, even with a healthy baby, is unlikely to help a houseful of relatives to get on.

I agree with a previous poster, wait until you and baby are home if you possibly can, before setting any dates.

mimiholls · 27/08/2017 20:51

Agree also depends how big your house is, you really dont want to be all on top of each other. Remember newborns can also cry a LOT- dd used to cry for about 2 hours every evening til she was about 12 weeks. Not a lot would work other han pounding the streets. It was incresibly stressful for everybody and anybody within earshot.

chips4teaplease · 27/08/2017 20:55

Really wouldn't have anyone staying in the house. Book them in somewhere nearby (at least three weeks after due date) and let them take you all out for meals. New babies are challenging in some ways, but they are fairly portable and if you're hungry you overlook any inconvenience!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/08/2017 20:55

Do they definitely have to stay in your house? Could you get them to stay in a nearby B&B or hotel? You could frame it as being better for them because being around a newborn will be boring for them and you'll be sleeping whenever possible. They can have a lovely holiday in the UK, doing their own thing, popping in to see the baby now and then.

JaneEyre70 · 27/08/2017 21:00

It can really depend. My 1st was hard going, I'd had stitches and forceps and I couldn't sit comfortably or relax trying to feed in front of people so I spent a lot of time lying on the bed and hiding from visitors. My last baby, I felt fine and was firing on all 4 cylinders a few days in. It's an unknown, you aren't going to have a clue how you are going to be physically and I'd hold fire letting them book a date until you're home. If they are helpful and will look after you both, get them straight over. If they need entertaining and are high maintenance, 6 weeks!!

LazaUbi · 27/08/2017 21:30

I would definitely wait until the baby arrives before committing to anything. You can't know beforehand how easy the birth and recovery will be, or even if the baby will be a couple of weeks late so booking it for 2 or 3 weeks after your due date might mean they end up arriving really soon after the birth.

It's lovely to have some time just the three of you, to get used to being a family and get to know your baby a bit, before having visitors. No matter how nice they are having people to stay for a whole week may feel like a bit of an invasion. Becoming a parent is a really special, one-off experience so put your own little family first and once the baby arrives you can decide when you're ready to have visitors.

badg3r · 27/08/2017 21:38

Do you celebrate Christmas and if so what are your plans? We had DC1 at the beginning of December and both sets of grandparents met them at my parents' over Christmas. It was great because we didn't have to do any cooking, and everyone was delighted to get to spend DC's first Christmas with them. Given that they live far away I think in my experience it is nice to share the big celebrations, and at that age they will pretty much just eat and sleep, so plenty of time for sleepy cuddles.

howthelightgetsin · 27/08/2017 21:39

Book them an air bnb close by.

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