Anxiety returning. Not just pregnancy related advice needed

[Mum2oneds]

OK so this is the umpteenth time I've written and deleted this,but now here goes
A few yrs ago I was on a fair amount of different meds for anxiety and depression, done steps to wellbeing, group and one to one as I was struggling that my ex had gone ( Altho there was no love there I felt like I'd wasted too much of my life with a boring person, who wanted no commitment etc) luckily we never lived together as I know it would never of worked and was wary since DS dad left a few yrs before that, and vowed never to live with someone again.
So when that broke down, I did, I hated myself for wasting my time with him, for being stupid etc etc. Work was tough, and I didn't tell family. I was struggling with panic attacks regularly too.
Fast forward 18m of struggling and met dp. And omg what a difference, never felt so happy, DS loves him. Moved in.. Which shocked everyone. We knew straight away what we both wanted marriage and kids.. We started ttc so I weaned off the antidepressants.. One operation later, clomid and metformin and hey presto were expecting. Both over the moon, so are our families. And engaged.
But over the last few weeks I've been feeling more and more anxious about stuff. Not just pregnancy.. (12 week scan next week.) so hopefully that will be less stress as always worry about mmc or something happening, despite one earlier scan and a private one both with heartbeat, booking bloods etc all OK.
But anxious to get everything done. Even decorated bedroom this week in preparation ( crazy I know) and moved the room around, new furniture to allow. MOre space.. Because again seeing things look different in a room makes me anxious.
I'm anxious about foods., as when ttc the meds made me ill that when I ate a meal and then felt ill, coincidental it's now put me off that food, even looking at it in a shop makesme feel giddy.
I'm getting worked up over things out of my control,
I've started writing lists for lists of things to do. Lists of things to buy for the baby.. And even panic brought bottles and steriliser as unjust had it in my head to do it..even tho it's early
I struggle to tell dp I don't know why as he'd be understanding d but I also think because he didn't experience me at my worst (although we were friends at that time so he kinda knew) I worry that hell just say stop worrying, it's fine, etc as he may not fully understand you know what I mean.?
I'm worried it will spiral as I'm already getting in a can't be arsed around people mood too. BUT I don't t want to go back on antidepressants as I'd feel judged and most of all I'd judge me

Sorry for rambling

I also get worked up that the house isn't clean or tidy enough.. Even tho in my heart I know it is, my head says it's not. Example after we all his showers this eve I scrub it as I do everyday, or we get bad condensation. But general dust In the air or from towels settles a bit Nd I'm now laid here in bed thinking I need to clean it off. But on the other hand, I know it can't be helped.
Everyone that walks in our house says how tidy and lovely it is and what do I find to clean. But I just do find stuff.

Hi there, didn't want to read and run.
My background - bad anxiety on and off but last bad patch 3 years ago. Now 28 weeks pregnant and really aware of it creeping back. So many life changes (even positive changes like wanted pregnancy, marriage, house plans etc) are so overwhelming. And my usual ways of coping, such as taking time out, lots of running, sleeping enough, just not possible. So I know where you're coming from.
Please talk to your midwife/GP. They should be able to offer help.
If you can't explain it to DP, then perhaps write it down for him? Doesn't even have to be complicated or detailed, just a 'I suffer anxiety sometimes, life is fantastic but these changes are causing my anxiety to be bad, I need support to help me see all will be ok' or something like that.
Sending hugs and good vibes. And congratulations on the pregnancy and engagement xx

Oh, also, my DH doesn't understand my anxiety at all! He just doesn't get it. I say he doesn't have to (lucky him!) but that he needs to trust the way I'm feeling is real, and listen to what I'm telling him in terms of what I need. Which he does. So now, if I feel bad, I say 'I'm anxious' and he says 'is there anything I can do', or just hugs me, rather than saying it's all ok and fine etc.