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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How do I tell my ttc friend I'm pregnant?

21 replies

bunjies · 17/07/2004 14:37

I have just discovered I am about 8 weeks pregnant (unplanned) with my 3rd child. One of my good friends has been trying to conceive her second child for about a year and a half and so far has had no success. I am dreading the moment when I have to tell her I am pregnant and could do with some advice.

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bluestar · 14/07/2004 11:22

I absolutely agree by phone too, if not face to face. I have been trying for over a year plus a miscarriage, and my best friend has just announced she is 3 months pregnant, first month of trying. She doesn't live in same country but she did phone. She said that she didn't want to put it in an email in case I might read it on an off-day and at least by phone, she could ask how I was before telling me the news. Feel delighted for her and sad for me. Don't wait too long before telling though as I think it will make it harder for you.

SoupDragon · 17/07/2004 14:39

I'd probably recommend you don't tell her it was unplanned. Invent a reasonable time you'd been trying for. Other than that, I'd just tell her when you normally would start telling people and not make a big deal about it.

SoupDragon · 17/07/2004 14:40

(and congratulations BTW!)

beansprout · 17/07/2004 14:45

Bunjies - it's great that you are sympathetic to your friend. The fact that you are senstitive in the first place counts for a lot, I think.

We had a difficult situation as we had a SIDS death in the family when I was 10 weeks and were about to start telling people. We left it but had to tell them at some point (I was about 15w in the end). I think all you can do, is tell them, but then allow for the fact that they may well have a difficult response and then want to talk about something else. It may be hard for her, and there is no way around that, but if you take your cue from her, I'm sure it will be ok. HTH and good luck.

sponge · 17/07/2004 14:45

I think you just tell her and as a friend I should think she'll be delighted for you (agree with SD though, probably keep the unplanned bit to yourself).
A year and a half isn't really that long. She's had one child already so it's obviously possible, but some people just find it harder than others to conceive - we took a good 3+ years each time but have a beautiful dd aged 4 and I'm almost 37 weeks now with number 2. It will happen for your friend, probably when she stops trying too hard and worrying about it.
Don't worry, whilst we were trying various of our friends became pregnant and I never resented them for it.

motherinferior · 17/07/2004 14:47

Everything I've read says tell, be upfront and make sure you tell her at the same time as everyone else.

scubamum2b · 17/07/2004 15:24

One of my sisters can not have children, and just after I told her I was pregnant (she aready had suspicions) I asked if she was alright with it, and her reply was along the lines of don't be silly I'm v happy for you.

I partly know what it is like from the other side too. A friend rang me to tell me she had (acidentially) become pregnant just when I was waiting to test if I was or not. I was happy to see her and for her, although I did partly think why was it that so many (we had other friends too that it felt they just looked at each other & they were expecting) were suceeding & I was not. There was nothing against her and it helped to talk to her as I had only discussed ttc with DH, and was interested in progess of her pregnancy. The thing when you are ttc that everyone else seems to be pregnant, it just that you look at other womens tummies and notice it more.

I would just tell her, I'm sure she will be happy for you (congrats)

ladymuck · 17/07/2004 15:48

From the perspective of someone who took a while to conceive (and 4 IVF attempts), do make sure you tell her before she finds out from the grapevine. I'd go with Soupy - don't make a thing of it being unplanned. One of my friends told me she was "unexpectedly" pg with her 5th just as I was starting my 4th IVF attempt... I'm afraid it was hard to be jubilant, but I still prefered the fact that she told me. I found out that one of my friends was pg from an acquantance - we were in the same room as the friend and I had just finsihed a 10 minute gossip/catch-up with her, but she hadn't told me. It made it a really difficult topic later on.

And congratulations!

bluestar · 17/07/2004 19:32

I too could be the friend ttc. If I was told this news, I would be delighted as she is my friend. Privately, I would be upset and wonder why I couldn't be the one sharing good news. However, that is for me to deal with in my own way. Maybe approach it in a 'very shocked but happy way'. An indiscretion with alcohol perhaps?

Fio2 · 17/07/2004 19:45

I got pregnant accidentally when one of my friends had been ttc for ages. She was fine about it. I am sure your friend will be too

Samcj · 17/07/2004 20:11

The only thing I would say about not mentioning the 'unplanned' is, depending on how close you are, might it slip out later? It's hard to put myself in her position, but I think if I was a close friend I would rather be told the truth, warts and all. IME people seem to pick up on the fact that babies were unplanned, not in a bad way but in the way that there is a lack of preperation!! Definately wouldn't tell till after the 12 week rule, and tell at the same time as everyone has said. Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.

zebra · 17/07/2004 20:12

This happens 2 me a lot my cousin, DH's old business partner, my step-sister all TTC for years whilst we keep popping babies like rabbits. Just get the telling over with, methinks.

highlander · 17/07/2004 22:30

tell her exactly what you've told us - you're preggers but you were dreading telling her for fear of upsetting her. She'll (hopefully) be bowled over that you can be honest with her, AND that you care about her so much.

What a lovely person you are to worry - she's got a fab friend

Original poster

bunjies · 18/07/2004 13:32

Awww thank you for thinking I'm a good friend. You're very kind.

The difficulty is that my friend knows my dp and I disagreed about having another child. I really wanted a third and he didn't. My friend is in a similar position with her dh as she really wants a second but he didn't (he is older and has 2 other children from a previous relationship as well as their ds). However he agreed to give it a go but as mentioned they have not been successful. There doesn't appear to be any medical reason why they haven't conceived it's just one of those things. Anyway, o cut a long story short my dp and I decided to leave it to chance one night and I got pregnant immediately. We are both nervous but excited but now I feel awful for my friend who would love to be in this position. I'd really like to join the due in feb 05 thread but feel unable to celebrate because of this.

Do you think it would be best to speak to her in person or write her a letter saying that she if she doesn't want to speak to/see me for a while then I'll understand?

OP posts:

hana · 18/07/2004 13:40

I don't think I'd do it in a letter - a friend who had also had several m/c like me did this and I found it strange that she didn't tell me in person. She probably found it more comfortable to do that but I would have rather her tell me in person or on the phone.
I'd pick up the phone or see her.

mrsflowerpot · 18/07/2004 14:13

I'm with hana, it could make her feel worse if she thinks you were expecting her to react badly. I would tell her over the phone or in person, and just be guided by her reaction. Make sure you have another topic of conversation ready in case she goes quiet! She's bound to feel a bit mis, but I would bet it won't be directed at you. I've been in the same position as her, and the last thing I wanted was for my friend to feel awkward around me.

CountessDracula · 18/07/2004 14:33

I've seen this from both sides - we took 3 years to conceive dd and all our friends seemed to get pg at the drop of a hat, even those who had professed not to be interested in having kids, then whoops it just happened. I was always genuinely happy for them but still felt "oh god will it ever happen to me" at the same time.

When I got pg with dd (finally!) a very good friend of mine who is desparate for kids had been telling me only a few days before I found out about how hard it was and how unhappy it was making her. She thought I was a good person to talk to as I was in the same situation, then I went and got pg and

I made a point of telling her before she heard it from anyone else, and I said to her that I realised it would be difficult for her. She just beamed and shrieked and hugged me. She is now dd's godmother and sadly it looks like they will never have children, but I was always very glad that I took the time to tell her myself and that she loves dd so much and doesn't find it too hard (or doesn't show it).

If I were you I would make a point of telling her but don't just pretend that she will have no feelings about it, say that you realise it is difficult for her etc

Toots · 18/07/2004 14:58

CD is right. TBH, to your friend, this will register as bad news, however much she puts a brave face on it. Just give her a hug if she cries. Congratulations by the way.

Nimme · 18/07/2004 17:14

Agree with CD tell her before she hears from anybody else.

And think about doing it over the phone - she can be all happy for you on phone, put it down and have a cry and then feel ready to smile by the time she sees you. I am telling you this as I also have been on both sides. A friend of mine announced they were having no 2 as a surprise and it really gutted me. This was to my face and I found it quite difficult. Definitely over the phone, I'd say.

Miriam2 · 18/07/2004 17:23

Absolutely agree nimme, a friend announced her 2nd pregnancy at dinner at our house whilst we were ttc (well, not literally at the dinner party obviously!) and I spent the evening going into the utility room to howl. Your friend will be happy for you but distressed for herself and a phone call will allow her to compose herself for the next time you meet. Congrats!

Posey · 19/07/2004 00:14

It is a difficult situation, and however you do it, your friend will be upset its not her. But the way you do it will have some bearing, I think, on the way your friendship continues.
When I became pregnant with dd (who's now 7), there was no issue. But over the next 5 years both my bestfriend and sister were trying to conceive. It really upset me that the 2 closest women to me may not ever become mothers. Then I became pregnant with my 2nd. I felt that telling them should be a big deal, not a quick phone call. I wanted them both to know that I was conscious of the mixed emotions they would feel.
I told them both face to face, just said I had something important to tell them and that I was pregnant. Straight out with it, but with an empathetic tone. Both gave me huge hugs and said they were delighted (which they were). They both went home and cried.
My friend and her dh are now godparents to my youngest, so you can see a friendship can survive.
And as a wonderful PS, my sis now has a baby boy after 7 years trying, and my friend adopted a baby boy.

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