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Original poster

Telling a friend who can't conceive...

26 replies

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/08/2017 16:28

Hoping for some advice on how to tell a friend who isn't able to conceive that I'm pregnant.

It's all a little complicated - I have always known that she had some medical problems that made it highly unlikely that she would be able to have a child. However, I haven't seen her in a while (like 6 months) and not on her own for longer than that. So I've only heard from a mutual friend that she and her dh have been trying for 2 years and have now (I think due to medical advice) stopped trying.

I've read quite a few other mumsnet threads on the topic and the advice generally seems to be to let the person know via email or text so they can deal with the news in their own time. That seems really sensible to me. It's just more complicated because I only know that she has been trying/struggling to conceive and has stopped trying from a mutual friend. And I really don't want to dump the mutual friend in it, in case she has spoken out of turn either.

How does this read?

Hiya love,

I just wanted to let you know before I see you in September that I'm pregnant. I wanted to tell you anyway, but I also wanted to let you know ahead of meeting up partly because I got the impression from Sarah (and she didn't say anything - I just kind of guessed from stuff you've told me before and from her reaction to something I said) that you have been having difficulties and I didn't want to suddenly land it on you.

Love,

Lorelai

Really grateful for any advice?

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LadyRenoir · 17/08/2017 16:46

I don't know, I think I would take the friend out of it completely, as your reassurance that she did not say anything make it seem even more (to me at least) that she did.
I almost think that it may be for the best not to say anything at all, if you are technically not meant to know? It will be very difficult either way, but if I got a message like this, it would make me think people talk behind my back about it, which you know happens, but having it on paper is more difficult.
But then I don't know your friend that well neither your relationship with her...

Brenna24 · 17/08/2017 16:49

I would leave the friend completely out of it too. It really is hard enough without feeling talked about. Just a quick one liner saying that you are pregnant should be more than enough.

GeillisTheWitch · 17/08/2017 16:51

I'm with LadyRenoir, I think your message is a bit wordy and agree that friend A might be pissed off at the fact that friend B has been discussing her TTC problems behind her back. I'd stick to "I just wanted to let you know before I see you in September that I'm pregnant, due on X date".

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/08/2017 16:55

OK. I'll leave the friend out of it. Keep it simple. I guess I just felt like it would be normal to tell a friend face-to-face and that I needed to explain a little bit why I am telling her by email?

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Monkeypuzzle32 · 17/08/2017 16:55

Don't over explain, I've been in her position and it hurts but it also hurts if friends don't tell you if that makes sense!

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 17/08/2017 16:58

Yes, cut the "I get the impression/Friend said you were" bit and just keep it to "I wanted to tell you before I see you that I'm pregnant, due in September". That allows her to do what she needs to do - cry, scream, pull herself back together and do her best to compose an "I'm happy for you" reply - without being too patronising or too "I've been talking about your Issues behind your back".

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/08/2017 17:01

That's really helpful - thanks everyone.

So just,

Hiya love,

I just wanted to let you know before I see you in September that I'm pregnant - due in Feb next year.

Really looking forward to seeing you - it's been so long!

Love,

Lorelai

Better?

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 17/08/2017 17:03

Second message looks perfect to me.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 17/08/2017 17:05

Yes better, she may well be upset but she has time to get her head around it and 'prepare' and won't feel patronised

Brenna24 · 17/08/2017 17:06

Much better. you don't need to explain why you decided to tell her by text. I am due feb too and have told quite a lot of people by text as i wanted to tell them myself and now have them find out from someone else before I told them. I am in a slightly different position to you as I have suffered from secondary infertility due to recurrent miscarriage so I have talked a lot to some friends who have fertility problems about them all and to them it is more like extra hope for them.

ScarlettInSpace · 17/08/2017 17:08

Second message is spot on Wink

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/08/2017 17:09

I've been in the position of your friend.
Your shorter email /text is fine. I might realise that you've guessed about my problems but at least you haven't said you've been talking about it with others

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/08/2017 17:14

Thanks all.

My friend and I actually both had medical problems - I had cysts and endometriosis and she had fibroids - so it's something we used to talk about together. We both had a number of operations at similar times, got married at around the same time, and both worried about whether we would be able to have kids.

But then I had a surprise pregnancy with my ds and have fallen pregnant again relatively easily. I also moved out of London. And between one thing and another, our lives have drifted apart a bit... it makes me really sad and I feel like this second pregnancy may only make things worse. Sad

OP posts:
susurration · 17/08/2017 17:15

Second message is good, just breezy enough to not let her feel like people are talking about her but lets her know you might have guessed.

PuckeredAhole · 17/08/2017 17:28

Just say:

"Hi

Looking forward to seeing you in September. Just to let you know I'm pregnant but it won't affect me coming. What's the plan?

See you soon,
Love ___

She doesn't need to know you've been chatting about her fertility. Keep it short and sweet.

Dina1234 · 17/08/2017 17:30

I don't think she needs a reminder about her own problems. Why not just send a group text to a few people sharing the happy news so that she doesn't feel like she's being singled out.

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/08/2017 17:32

I just want to say that the mutual friend and I weren't gratuitously gossiping about our friend's fertility. When I told mutual friend that I'm pregnant she was just anxious to make sure that I told her before we see each other at mutual friend's wedding as she might find the news hard.

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Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/08/2017 17:36

I don't know how to send a group text Blush.

The only other option would be to send an email to a few friends (of which she is one) trying to set up drinks for late September (which I was thinking of doing anyway) and just mention at the end that I'll be drinking coke as I'm pregnant, due in Feb?

Would that be better?

OP posts:
NoParticularPattern · 17/08/2017 17:45

I think the second text is just fine. I've done similar with most people since I communicate primarily via text with lots of people, but when I had my miscarriage last year and was struggling I would have much preferred a text like that. It says everything you need to without being all "look at poor old pregnant me". The idea of a group text saying "I'll just be drinking coke" would have sounded needlessly "oh look at me all pregnant and coke drinking" when I was struggling to come to terms with it all. It's not that it necessarily is like that, but I often felt like people were shoving it in my face or needlessly shoehorning it in just to make a point. You take a lot of stuff personally when you're the one without the baby.

I'd send the second also because the email could end up with her seeing all the congratulations you will no doubt ge (I've definitely been known to press reply all rather than just reply!). I'd never ever have admitted it (apart from on here) but hearing people being congratulated on their pregnancies was hideous for me, it really stung. Mainly because I'm a neurotic mess who took EVERYTHING PERSONALLY. Your friend might not be like that but I'd give her the chance to just process it well away from any potential public congratulations.

NoParticularPattern · 17/08/2017 17:45

I think the second text is just fine. I've done similar with most people since I communicate primarily via text with lots of people, but when I had my miscarriage last year and was struggling I would have much preferred a text like that. It says everything you need to without being all "look at poor old pregnant me". The idea of a group text saying "I'll just be drinking coke" would have sounded needlessly "oh look at me all pregnant and coke drinking" when I was struggling to come to terms with it all. It's not that it necessarily is like that, but I often felt like people were shoving it in my face or needlessly shoehorning it in just to make a point. You take a lot of stuff personally when you're the one without the baby.

I'd send the second also because the email could end up with her seeing all the congratulations you will no doubt ge (I've definitely been known to press reply all rather than just reply!). I'd never ever have admitted it (apart from on here) but hearing people being congratulated on their pregnancies was hideous for me, it really stung. Mainly because I'm a neurotic mess who took EVERYTHING PERSONALLY. Your friend might not be like that but I'd give her the chance to just process it well away from any potential public congratulations.

NoParticularPattern · 17/08/2017 17:47

Sorry for the double post. My iPad is old and shit!

DaddysGirl36 · 17/08/2017 17:54

I think telling a few people together, whether in one email or just the same text repeated to a few is a better idea. The drinks plan is a good excuse to get it out there that you'll attend but will be on the soft drinks.

I think this is better since you have not seen her in a while and only know her recent history through a friend so singling her out could make her feel awkward and annoyed at wondering why you felt the need.

Alternatively, I would ask your mutual friend to give her the news. Since she knows her history then she will understand it may hurt or upset her and she will have time to digest it before she faces you - this way you could give the news to everyone in person and she won't feel as bad about it as she'll be prepared and you will feel less stressed about it.

Hope it works out. I have a similar problem but plan to do the text first but I am in a position to do this as I know her history. I'm dreading it to be honest

mogulfield · 17/08/2017 17:54

I have friends who are struggling with fertility issues, I just text them either on their own or in a group (if they were in a group), and didn't single them out.
That way they know before they see me and as mentioned can get upset/annoyed/be happy for me and deal with it a bit before they see me.

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/08/2017 18:03

Argh. I hadn't thought about the reply all 'congratulations' which I'm guessing is pretty inevitable.

I wouldn't naturally send a group email with a 'btw, I'm pregnant' because I really struggle to tell people things like this at the best of times. I didn't even really tell people I was engaged... people just noticed my engagement ring and asked.

In this case, I would just be waiting for people to notice that I'm getting fat...

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NoParticularPattern · 17/08/2017 18:35

I would just text her. She isn't to know you've only text her- I wouldn't know if my DH texted several other women the same thing as me much less who else my friends text at the same time as me. How would she ever realise you were "singling her out" unless she routinely compares phones with her friends?

With you on the not telling people thing- I always feel like it's a bit weird telling people anything that personal. But then I'm probably just weird full stop!