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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Don't want another baby but can't face abortion

52 replies

streetface · 17/08/2017 05:29

Please help me I'm an absolute mess.

I just discovered I am pregnant, a week before my 40th birthday with my 4th child. I absolutely cannot do this financially, physically or emotionally. I think my other children 11, 8 and 2 would suffer. I am still dealing with a toddler, I am studying hard for an M.A, working part time with a view to returning to work full time asap to support the children I already have. My husband will earn less than me once I'm full time and there is no way we could support 4 on one wage. We could not afford childcare for 4 kids (eldest would need holiday camps etc as no real support for care every day)

The thing is, I was sterilised after my first two, divorced my ex and remarried. I then reversed the sterilisation a few years into my second marriage. It took a long time to fall pregnant. When I did I had an ectopic pregnancy that was treated chemically but that failed, my tube burst and I nearly died. I was left with one tube. Our little girl was a true miracle.

The heartache of losing our first child was excruciating. The trauma of trying and failing each month to fall pregnant, the operations, the fear for my unborn baby while I was carrying. I simply cannot imagine aborting a baby. I don't know if I could forgive myself.

I have no bloody idea how or when I got pregnant. I had not had sex since May to end of June as I had lots of bleeding. Then in June, I had a huge, heavy period that lasted 40 days. I had the injection two weeks in to try to stop the bleeding which didn't work but is supposed to give 99.99% protection against pregnancy. I took other tablets prescribed to stop the bleeding which it did and I resumed my sex life on holiday in July. How the hell did this happen?? I looked at myslef this morning and thought I looked about 5 months pregnant and realised I'd gained weight. I 'felt' pregnant and took a test. I am in complete shock. I will get an emergency appt in the morning with docs as I have no idea how far along I am.

I don't know what I am asking really. I am so terrified. I can't face either option. I feel devastated.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 18/08/2017 08:57

What a massive shock OP, i don't even know what advice to give but i cam't imagine what was whirling round your mind at the scan

I hope in time your thoughts and feelings settle down. I just can't imagine

Sending my love, look after yourself OP! And keep talking Flowers

wobblywonderwoman · 18/08/2017 09:01

It might be the best thing ever op. I don't day that lightly. I have two under 3. I can't imagine the worn with four and an MA but at this stage, you know it is going to happen and she might just make your life amazing.

MaverickSnoopy · 18/08/2017 09:46

Aw OP massive unmumsnetty hugs. You are so brave. May I suggest some counselling to help you come to terms with this. You're in shock and need some support. I'm sure your DH will be wonderful but it sounds like you're in different places about this and it's easy to repress how we feel for the sake of others.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant with our second. We'd been planning on trying in a few months but having it brought forward complicated things and I took a long time to deal with it, often feeling resentful. I didn't really embrace it until I was about five months pregnant so goodness knows how you must feel.

Life has a way of working itself out. Try to take one thing at a time.

Annabelle4 · 18/08/2017 09:53

Flowers for you OP. You've had such a shock, but you sound like a very strong person

christmasunicorn · 18/08/2017 09:58

FlowersBrewCake
What a shock op! But as pp said, life has a way of working itself out. I know how you feel though, I fell unexpectedly with my 4th. I didn't want it but didn't want an abortion either. Just finished my degree so also new baby will be put into childcare early. The pregnancy was the hardest as I was so detached emotionally. I couldn't be happy or excited and didn't tell my family until I was 25 weeks. I never announced it on Facebook or to anyone but my closest friends. It was a very dark part of my life so I know how you feel.
But I can say the moment he was born I fell head over heels in love with him. Ds is incredible and I'm so so happy with the decision I made to have him. He has slotted in perfectly to our family. He is 19 months old now and yes he has been in childcare since 8months old but it's ok. He's happy and loves his childminder and we are happy too.
I just wanted to give you my story to say you are not alone in this. There are other woman having the same feelings as you and it's ok. Don't bottle your feelings up, come here and vent. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though.

UppityStitch · 18/08/2017 11:18

Didn't want to read and run. I read your story with a tear in my eye. Sadly I have no advice for you but wanted to offer you a massive hug!! Things somehow always have a way of working themselves out despite how terrible it seems l. Stay strong and all the best to you and your family!! FlowersCake

PumpkinSpiceEverything · 18/08/2017 11:25

Praying for you OP. I hope you find all of the answers and peace you need, and please do consider adoption before abortion.

Penguin27 · 18/08/2017 15:08

Flowers that's such a shock OP, I can understand you feel completely overwhelmed. I agree with pp about getting some counselling to help you recognise, understand and accept your feelings - they're all completely justified and normal. There's lots of support for you and your family, so don't feel that you have to struggle alone.

BertieBotts · 18/08/2017 15:11

I would say it's an emergency because you will need to get checked in case it's another ectopic surely? This pregnancy unfortunately might not even be viable. From there hopefully you can sort out pregnancy counselling to look at options.

Good luck.

Original poster
streetface · 18/08/2017 16:31

Bertie and pumpkin, RTFT. The pregnancy is 17 weeks along, the baby is healthy and viable and I have said I would not consider abortion at this stage. Giving this baby up for adoption is a ridiculous idea and not something I'd dream of. It's one thing being in shock with an unexpected, unplanned pregnancy and another to actually hold your own newborn baby.
Everyone else thank you so much for your kind words and for PP sharing happy ending stories about their unexpected pregnancies. It has helped me to begin to feel a little better.

OP posts:
Eggsnbeans · 18/08/2017 17:19

Oh wow Streetface, what a huge shock that must have been, can't even imagine. It will be tough for a while, it's not easy having a young baby in daycare and working full time! Your older kids will adapt and love (eventually) a new sibling. Family is as much of a gift to them as anything else you can ever do. (I'm about to have no 4 too, planned so different situation and emotions, but still had to make a choice between finance/lifestyle and family).

Sending you lots of strength and good wishes x

samlovesdilys · 18/08/2017 18:57

Glad to hear you are well and sounds like you are starting to get your head around the shock. It will be ok. Honestly. Different perhaps to what you planned - but ok. And there is nothing wrong with putting child into childcare so you can work - you are providing a solid example to your children on the importance of hard work and study. That's good!! Wishing you the best of luck xx

Mayhemmumma · 18/08/2017 19:01

Wow amazing. You'll manage. You can do it!!

MaverickSnoopy · 18/08/2017 20:57

OP, I've been sat watching TV tonight with DH saying "are you watching this?". My mind is elsewhere. It's on you. I keep thinking about what you're going through.

mumofone234 · 18/08/2017 21:06

You'll be amazed at what you can do at 40 with 4. You're already a fantastic parent to 3. The early years may be tough but tell yourself that when you're 60, looking back, you'll be surrounded by a lovely big family and so glad you saw it through. Nothing lasts forever!

BertieBotts · 18/08/2017 21:08

Sorry, for some reason at the time I posted I couldn't see your more recent post and I didn't suggest that you get an abortion Confused I was responding to your post about not knowing what to tell the doctor's receptionist. I don't know why it wasn't showing looking at the time gap but perhaps my post took a while to go through as I remember posting from mobile?

Anyway wish you luck with it. Glad husband is supportive and hope all continues to go well.

Starlight2345 · 18/08/2017 21:17

Sounds like you are a fantastic mum..

I can't offer advice on how to feel in your situation..

One thing I can add is I am a childminder..I have had babies less than 2 months old..The younger they come the easier they adapt...They know exactly who there mum is but are very comfortable here...

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/08/2017 21:26

What a massive shock OP. Best of luck to you. Flowers

Original poster
streetface · 19/08/2017 09:08

Sorry Bertie I was responding to the comment about 'please consider adoption before abortion' and 'the pregnancy might not be viable' all in one post. I am very emotional at the moment so sorry if I was a bit sharp.

Starlight, thanks so so much for that information. I was hoping that would be the case and said to my husband that if baby went to childminder early they wouldn't know any different. My husband finished work early afternoon as he starts at 2am so he could pick her up and she would only be there for the morning.

The lovely messages on here this morning have made me feel better. I really appreciate the support and kind thoughts. I think as long as I get back to work asap we can manage. Well, we will have to. Perhaps the age and experience will be a help not a hindrance. I am perhaps clutching at straws but there we are. Thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
Yika · 19/08/2017 10:41

Just adding my two cents about the early childcare - where I live (Belgium) there is only 15 weeks maternity leave and most mums return to work and put their children in nursery, as childcare is very affordable here. Children here are as happy and well adjusted as anywhere else I've seen!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

BertieBotts · 19/08/2017 12:21

No worries. I understand it must be a lot to take in and a huge shock, especially to already be so far along. At least you skipped the pukey bit Grin

Original poster
streetface · 19/08/2017 12:30

Yes bizarrely I didn't get any morning sleep sickness at all despite me chucking up in my last pregnancies. I have messaged my mum and sister this morning and told them and asked them to keep any shocked faces and "oh god how will you cope" comments to themselves. I think work is the key to coping financially, emotionally and for my basic sanity plus I think it will provide a good example so this time I will keep maternity leave to a bare minimum. I know people judge that but I've learned over the years as a parent, you are judged for every decision you make anyway.

OP posts:
MiniAlphaBravo · 19/08/2017 13:52

Also perhaps your dh could take some parental leave as well? Otherwise baby will be fine in childcare as you say. They are professionals and know how to look after children.

MaverickSnoopy · 19/08/2017 14:06

Don't forget that in a few years you will have a teenager who may be eager to earn some extra money babysitting Wink

I think the thought of more childcare is such a fog and you wonder how you'll get through it. Then one day no more childcare! Obviously there will be other costs and of course it's terrifying. You will be ok.

Janus · 19/08/2017 14:09

OP what a shock but you seem to have an excellent plan there. And dd won't be in childcare for too long in the day if dh comes home about 2pm.
I had my fourth one month before 41st birthday. I don't think it was any more tiring than the others. The older siblings were great help too, 'please hold baby while I cook some tea' etc!
You can do this I'm sure x

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