Husband is worrying about becoming a dad to a boy - advice please!

[anamelikenoother]

This is my first post so please be gentle!

We're delighted to be having our first baby and recently we went for our 20 week scan and found out that we're having a boy. More than anything we're delighted that all seems well and the pregnancy is developing positively.

That said, we were both sort of expecting a girl - me just because I think that's what I'd envisaged (possibly because my mum's been telling me for years that I'd have a girl first...!) and my husband because I think he wanted a girl.

When we talked it through more it's clear that he's happy and not disappointed about having a boy - just that he's nervous about having a son. He doesn't have an easy relationship with his dad (had lots of therapy to deal with this over the years) and they're very distant.

He (unsurprisingly) feels more comfortable in relationships with women and I think he's worried about history repeating and not being able to bond with a boy. He doesn't have many close relationships with men and I think he finds it really hard to open up. He's not the most 'masculine' of men, whatever that means! He's not into football and sports and seems to finds lads culture a bit tedious and intimidating (which is one of the many reasons I love him!).

So my question is...does anyone have any experience of the same, or advice on how I might help him through this? I want him to connect and not spend the rest of the pregnancy worrying about what kind of dad he's going to be, when he's so wonderfully capable of being a brilliant dad. I have told him all of this but I feel like he might need a bit more support (and the counselling isn't an option where we are!).

thanks

His son might be just like him though. Certainly as a key person raising the child he'll be heavily influential regarding his son's attitudes to things like football
and "lads culture."

My DH and DS have a brilliant relationship, none of which based on football or anything laddish. DH and DD also have a brilliant relationship.

Relationships with your children aren't rooted in shared hobbies or interests like those with friends.

Thanks BenLui - I completely agree! That's what I said to him this morning...chances are he'll be a creative and sensitive soul like his dad.

I think he's just worried about his son's perceptions of him as he gets older...or not being able to communicate / bond based in his own experiences with his father.

I'm wondering what parenting resources are out there for dads who might have these kinds of concerns - I know plenty of men use mumsnet but is there a dadsnet where father's can express the random concerns they might have if they're not comfortable or can't speak to friends/family about this stuff?

I'd actually go the other way, rather than having him thinking about what it's like to be a dad I'd have him do some reading on feminism and get him to really question the gender stereotyping he's bringing to parenting. I genuinely don't mean that to sound snippy btw - but assuming a girl will be easier to parent than a boy 'because lads' culture' is all sorts of wrong, notwithstanding his experiences with his own dad.

If you think about it, assuming he won't be able to bond with his own son because he doesn't like football is making a whole raft of assumptions about what that son will grow up to be - and indeed, thinking the converse about a girl is doing the same thing.

But it's really hard to unpick our own experiences and to re-assess how we were parented ourself, so I think rather than focusing on looking inward, he should look outwards, iyswim.

*Disclaimer: 'feminism is the answer' is one of my stock responses but in this case, it definitely is

Lonny - we've just touched on exactly that! He was excited about the prospect of having a girl to challenge some of those gender norms but hadn't thought of it the other way round.

I think because growing up he felt 'different' in being sensitive and not being into that kind of culture and he's possibly a bit scared of his son going through the same / his son looking at him in the same way as the other boys in the playground (these are all my interpretations...not his!)

And feminism is always the answer...

HE would probably be just as nervous and worried if you were having a girl - having your first child is time of great anxiety and apprehension for both parents. Having had therapy to deal with his relationship with his dad, he will probably be aware of various pitfalls in parent/child relationships and the need to accept your son for who they are as your child gets older and develops their own personality and likes and dislikes. His relationship with his child will be one of his own making - if he wants to do non-laddish things with his child, then he should do that; if he likes talking things out then he should do that with his child; if he loves something, he should share it with his child.

I have a poor non-existent relationship with my dad, and having kids (boy first) made me see what sort of dad I wanted to be. I still often get it wrong, but that's a different matter!

That he's thinking about it is a good sign, he'll do fine.
Tell him "relax, deep breath, jump in with both feet". He'll love it.

My DH is a quiet, sensitive soul and isn't in the least bit laddish. He's been a brilliant dad to our three sons and a great role model to them, and they've bonded over shared interests that don't involve football or anything stereotypically laddish. I would say that together we have brought the three of them up as feminists.

With the eldest he goes fishing & cycling, and he has shared interests with the younger two - they listen to music and talk a lot about history, politics and books. They are all young adults now, get on really well with their dad and are very close to him.

My only advice is to try not to worry and just go with the flow and enjoy it, he sounds like he'll be a great dad.

My DH is exactly the same! He's not into sports at all and is so worried about having a football mad son who he struggles to relate to. As I pointed out to him, we could just as easily end up with a football mad daughter! Anyway, I think a lot of interests, like being a sports fan, are introduced at home, as given that neither of us are into sports at all, I'd be surprised if our child has more than a hobby level interest in any sports they want to take up.

I also pointed out that there are plenty of stereotypical 'bloke' things that he is into and might share with our son - computer games, cycling, cars, planes, military history etc.

Or our son might be into loads of other non-sport things that my DH might struggle to relate to, like joining a drama club, getting into dancing, art, music. The list goes on.

Until your child arrives, you can't know what their personality and interests will be and knowing their sex doesn't necessarily give you any clues. So just tell him to relax and enjoy the journey. His and his son's relationship is entirely separate from his relationship with his own father. He'll be fine

Well I've raised a boy alone and if you told me ten years ago I'd be spending my weekend mornings freezing my ass off on a football pitch I'd have laughed in your face. My son likes football despite the fact I hate it/don't watch it because children, like adults are individuals. He'll like what he likes and it's up to us parents to be supportive of their choices and encourage them. We don't need to have the same interests, just show an interest in whatever excites them.

Have you seen this video?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/magazine-40936719/gender-specific-toys-do-you-stereotype-children
Point is boys and girls are not so different. It's natural he's thinking about his relationship with his dad but maybe he can start to focus on this baby as just a person, not a gender. Being aware of what didn't work so well with his dad is already a good start to avoid obvious pitfalls, but this is a whole new relationship and one he obviously wants to be positive, which is great!

I suppose that it depends on the culture your DH grew up among but there are whole swathes of men who aren't interested in football or behaving in a "laddish" way.

My Dad is, my DH isn't, my BILs aren't and very few of my friends' DHs are.

He just needs to find "his" people for a bit of reassurance that it's ok to be himself.

Bonding with his son will develop from caring for him (nappies, baths etc), playing with him, reading with him, listening to him. I wonder how much of that stuff his own Dad did?

Thank you all for your kind responses. I'm sure he/we will be fine! I think finding out that we're having a boy just made it all the more real and our new parent anxieties are coming out!

gremlin - funnily enough we watched that together this afternoon! It's amazing how much finding out the baby's a he has impacted us, despite being conscious that we don't want to impose anything on this beautiful blank canvas of a human (and which is why we're not sharing what we know with anyone...except lovely folk of mumsnet!).
We all have unconscious bias...even the most feminist and open-minded of us - and this is a great reminder of how embedded those gender assumptions are.

He's going to be a great dad

Ben - not a lot from what I gather. And he's still pretty disinterested in him how. He's not a bad man at all - just not very present generally.

His parents split when he was young and his step dad was very 'laddish' - into lots of sports and stuff so it's likely a reflection of this too.

But as people have said - this is his chance to be the dad he wants to be and to build a new father/son relationship. With whomever his may be.

I'm sure he'll be a wonderful father. There's no set path to follow, he can chart his own course.

My DH is very close to his own father but parents our DC quite differently. Similarly I think my own Mum was wonderful but there's lots of things I do differently with my own DC.