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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Is having a baby really as hard as people make out? What's the hardest bit/what uses your time?

93 replies

Jellybabie3 · 08/08/2017 11:41

So im 33 weeks and over the moon to be preg. But now its getting closer to the end i am wondering why it so difficult to have a newborn? In a totally naive way i know....but what makes it so difficult?? What fills up the time to mean you cant do anything for yourself anymore?

I'm not trying to sound thick/patronising or whatever i am literally trying to prepare

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
goldfinchonthelawn · 29/08/2022 08:25

Jellybabie3 · 08/08/2017 11:41

So im 33 weeks and over the moon to be preg. But now its getting closer to the end i am wondering why it so difficult to have a newborn? In a totally naive way i know....but what makes it so difficult?? What fills up the time to mean you cant do anything for yourself anymore?

I'm not trying to sound thick/patronising or whatever i am literally trying to prepare

There are loads and loads of fantastic things about having a baby. But if you want the news about the hard stuff:

They are born and you suddenly realise: I have a new job with no boss or manual, 24/7. It starts right now, while you are exhausted and sore and have raging hormones and stitches in your nethers. A life depends on this new job-with-no-training. And while you are trying to familiarise yourself with its 24/7 requirements, relatives keep turning up and expecting tea and telling you you are doing it wrong. And your husband keeps disappearing to the gym and to work with no apparent awareness that you need a break from this 24/7 slog. So you start to fight with him and wonder if you should stay married and why he needs telling that constantly disappearing to do errands is not loving and useful because you have been housebound for a week and are currently looking forward to your root canal treatment just so you can sit in a waiting room and read a dog-eared magazine about racing cars in peace.

If you are lucky, you have what is known as an 'easy baby' - they sleep through the night after a few weeks, feed well and are generally contented. Mothers of easy babies can be smug and think they have it all sorted. That they are better mothers. Or you can get a challenging baby. These ones cry all the time. All. The. Time. They never sleep. They wake up every hour but feeding and cuddles won't settle them. They make you feel like the shittest mother on earth. After a few weeks of this broken sleep you understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture by the cruellest nations. You start to make mistakes - you can't remember if you gave the baby their medicine (challenging babies are often ill, so there are sudden middle of the night hospital visits and health scares.)

If you try to have a shower, the baby shrieks, so you don't. If you try to go to the loo, the baby throws up and nearly chokes on their own vomit, so you don't. You make a coffee but by the time you have fed, changed, dressed the baby it is cold. So you make another but by the time you have attended to the baby's new rash, remembered it's time for the baby's weigh-in at clinic, it is cold. You reach 4pm and realise you haven't yet eaten.

You decide to get dressed nicely to go to a mother and baby meet up and the baby pees all over your dress. You change the dress and the baby does a poonami that leaks all over his best baby grow. You bathe him, dress him again, realise you have poo all over your second best outfit and now only have jeans that are too small because your stomach is still a marshmallow but you squeeze into them and then the baby shrieks because you are running an hour late and it's feeding time, So you give up and cry because once again you have spoken to no adult. Then your husband breezes in having done things like buy a coffee and read a newspaper on his commute and you feel murderous with jealousy at this leisurely lifestyle.

I hope lots of mums will tell you this is an exaggeration. In my own experience, this is such a sanitisation of the hell of babyhood with one NT child and one ND child, that I don't want to scare you further. If I'd only ever had babies like DS1 I would be smug and think I was just a capable mother and other mums were being drama queens. If both my babies had been like DS2 I might well be in an asylum or dead by now. I'd certainly have split up with DH. My guess is most babies are mid-way between the two, so tough at times, sleepless at times but easy at other times.

On the bright side, they grin and chuckle and gurgle and hug you and are delighted with the world and are so cute to look at and so fascinating and say the funniest things and have interests that make you learn more about the world and see it in a new way. They love you so much, they think you are a goddess. And then you catch breath and they are adults with jobs and partners and lives so radically different from your own you aren't sure how it happened.

goldfinchonthelawn · 29/08/2022 08:28

Duh. Just seen it is a zombie thread., But lovely update from OP!

Devo1818 · 29/08/2022 08:30

The combination of sleep deprivation, being hormonal, and the total life transformation.

Lemonsandlemonade · 29/08/2022 08:39

Great Update OP didn’t see it when I posted before 🙈

Jellybabie3 · 29/08/2022 08:55

☺️ thanks for the well wishes.

It's definitely hard, and the feeling of having something "attached" to you 247 is hard at times. Breastfeeding can become very isolating in the respect you feel responsible for every night wake..we tried expressing but it really didn't work for us, i felt too much pressure to feed and pump so the gains weren't really worth it for me.. my second I fed laying down so I would doze off very frequently but in a safe co sleep position. I think I very much learned that time around to do whatever it took to get through the nights in the early months. We ended up having my eldest home for the year due to COVID which initially (I will admit) broke me, but after a while I could see how much more my DH and ds1 were bonding with baby so it was totally worth it. I know it wasn't like this for everyone at this time, but in the long run I think we became a stronger unit for it. Baby 3 was never really officially on the cards but here we are! We have certainly bought less, planned less and are pretty much going to try and wing it this time 🤣 it's the last one for us (absolutely definitely with the cost of living crisis) so we are determined to embrace everything that comes along. I regret the time spent googling 'how to get baby to sleep' etc for hours on end but somehow won't be surprised if I end up there again 😂

OP posts:
Porridgeislife · 29/08/2022 09:06

toastedcat · 29/08/2022 04:35

I've found that you CAN do stuff, but it's never exactly when you want to do it. E.g you'll only have a 30 minute gap to say, have a shower, OR sit down with a coffee and a book. But then I'm doing a lot of breast pumping and bottle sterilising which takes up a huge chunk of my day. Everything works around a 3 hour schedule of pumping, washing up, feeding, winding, changing and sterilising. Breastfeeding on its own would have less of the faff involved although that comes with its own set of time-consuming issues 🤣

But yeah for me free time now is never free. You've always got a little countdown clock running in the corner of your mind to the next thing.

This perfectly describes the hardest bit for me. Never quite being able to relax into what you’re doing as you’re waiting to be interrupted.

I’ve had to make a few calls (insurance etc) and the frustration of being held on hold music is something else with a sleeping baby.

Ilikecheeseontoast · 29/08/2022 09:13

I remember feeling accomplished when I had cleaned my teeth! It’s just relentless! Throw in the sleep deprivation and everything just feels harder. I’m now 5 years in (with two more children) and have yet to use the toilet or have a shower without someone shouting mum urgently!

Namenic · 29/08/2022 09:18

getting a run of sleep at night is hard. Baby will sometimes not let you put them down. From a certain age they can go in a baby sling for a while - which can be helpful. A supportive partner/relatives who can take baby while you sleep is helpful

ticktickticktickBOOM · 29/08/2022 09:25

It's the exhaustion. Doing everything on 4/5 hours broken sleep - after 2 or 3 weeks of this you think 'OMG how in earth can I carry on', then you have to for 3 or 4 more years till they sleep properly (if your lucky). Sleep now while you can!!

smileandsing · 29/08/2022 09:36

For me it was the exhaustion.
The actual tasks involved in looking after a baby are relatively straightforward, but doing it on snatches of sleep here and there for months on end is what makes it so hard, or at least it was like that for me. Something baby related always needs to be done. They don't live on your normal schedule so it's 24/7 and relentless. You might get a sleeper though, if so, you're winning!
The best thing you can do is take all offers of help with anything at all, the baby, cooking, cleaning, walking the dog if you have one etc. Make sure your partner steps up, working full time is not a free pass not to get involved. Make time for yourself to have a shower and eat.

But while that sounds awful it very much is worth it. The baby stage is short and the challenges and delights change as they grow into toddlers, then children, then teenagers (not at that bit yet!)

Jamaisy82 · 29/08/2022 14:14

I was only 17 when I had my first child and brought him up alone. I did have an emergency c section to recover from but was in hospital a week so recovered there. When I came out I was fine. Luckily I had a very well behaved baby. He was a great toddler and now is a great 22 year old. Never had any issues with him he has been a breeze. I'm now 37 almost 38 weeks pregnant with my second and worried this one will be the devil because I had such an easy time the first time.

babyjellyfish · 29/08/2022 15:19

Sleep deprivation, and I found breastfeeding very painful for the first 6 weeks. After that the breastfeeding was a joy.

I find it helps if you force yourself to get out by yourself, maybe starting with a short walk in the evening when your partner gets home from work. I left my baby with my MIL for a couple of hours and went for a pedicure when he was 6 weeks old. If you have people you trust to help you with the baby, use them.

I'm also really glad we introduced an occasional bottle after the first few weeks so he didn't rely on me completely for feeding. He was still EBF.

chelev9 · 29/08/2022 15:27

Jellybabie3 · 08/08/2017 11:41

So im 33 weeks and over the moon to be preg. But now its getting closer to the end i am wondering why it so difficult to have a newborn? In a totally naive way i know....but what makes it so difficult?? What fills up the time to mean you cant do anything for yourself anymore?

I'm not trying to sound thick/patronising or whatever i am literally trying to prepare

Newborn stage id say is the easiest. If I wasn't feeding, burping him I'd spend most of my time staring at him or cuddling him 🤣 you'll be absolutely fine. Congratulations

greenerfingers · 29/08/2022 15:30

Breastfeeding. No one prepared me for how difficult it was, how leechy my child would be, and how he'd never go into long stretches of sleep like with formula. He never once slept through the night till he was weaned at 2.

Loulou1712 · 29/08/2022 16:27

Honestly, I think having your first is just a shock. Your life changes in a way you just can't appreciate until it happens.
Each element on its own is fine, but add the birth recovery, on top of the sleep deprevation, on top of trying to bf, on top of getting to know how to care for baby all combined is what makes it difficult.
DD2 was a koala baby, she woke every 1-1.5hr until 15months old, cried EVERYTIME I put her down, so the simple things like having a shower become pretty traumatic when babies laying in the bathroom bouncer hysterical, which triggers your let down so your leaking milk in the shower, trying to clean your stitches, whilst full of hormones. I'm now pregnant with number 3, it's definitely worth it all and I'm obviously much more confident about caring for the baby side of things now but I still feel like there's me before baby and me now, I'll never be that person again, and my poor hubby gets the brunt of it 🙈
But newborns are amazing, they're squishy and just want cuddles and milk and on your first you can get comfy on the sofa with some snacks and a drink and cuddle baby for hours with a boxset 😍 x

BloodyHellKen · 29/08/2022 17:12

TBH the baby years are the noce easy bit in my experience. I have 3 children and it's when they get to secondary school that things go tits up, revision, hideous swimming lessons, health problems, falling out with friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, hormones ect etc. Its like going through adolescence again but much worse 😒

BloodyHellKen · 29/08/2022 17:13

Ps good luck with your baby. Babies are so lovely.

Fanciedanamechange44 · 29/08/2022 17:14

24 hours, 7 days a week of very very little sleep and constant crying. Hopefully yours won't be like that!
He's 11 now and loves his sleep!

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