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Original poster

Help- my partner wants a termimation

15 replies

IslingtonHels · 08/08/2017 05:50

Hi Mumsnet, this is my first post so please be kind. I would really appreciate your advice & opinions. Thanks.
I'm 38 and found out yesterday I am 3 weeks pregnant. This was a total shock as I have been on the pill for many years & thought it unlikely I would ever have children. I had food poisoning in July & in retrospect this could have been the window where I got pregnant.
My partner is 34, we have been together for 2 years and lived together for 1 year. He has a short temper & we have been arguing a lot recently.
I told him yesterday when the test was positive. He was calm, but said we are in a bad place in our relationship (which is true) and that he thinks it would be selfish of me to keep the child. He said It's my choice but he thinks I should have a termination, and if I chose to keep the baby then he will support me financially but will not stay with me.
My feeling is that I could not forgive myself if I had a termination, especially at my late age. It would haunt me forever. I am shell-shocked and feel like I have an impossible decision to make. I am scared and don't know what to do for the best.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice? Do you think he might come round to the idea? I cried myself to sleep tonight. Thank you.

OP posts:
hrfvenia · 08/08/2017 05:58

I don't want to read and run but please don't be bullied into making a decision.

Wether you are in a good or a bad place in your relationship, it is not his right to dictate wether or not you terminate.

Is it really worth your mental wellbeing staying with someone who finds it acceptable to suggest you choose between an unborn child or him?

I would take some time to think about what YOU want to do, and how the baby would impact YOUR life alone. Then consider his impact on your life.

This must be hard for you, please don't rush into any decision xx

Kaytey · 08/08/2017 06:01

Do you think your relationship will improve any if you have a termination you do not want? Seems unlikely.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who will support you. Your fella does sound like a bit of a tool issuing you with this ultimatum, but then he is being honest and he has offered financial support which is more than some would do in this situation.

He may change his mind when the baby arrives but until then stick to your guns and don't feel pressured into anything you don't want to do.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/08/2017 06:15

my feeling is I could not forgive myself if I had a termination, especially at my late age

Isn't that your answer?

Think about your feelings about having a baby. This maybe your one & only opportunity. Do you want to throw that away because he might leave you if you keep it?

If you were to have a termination I doubt your relationship would survive anyway. Think about how much you would resent losing your opportunity to have a child because he wanted a termination. Very strong relationships seldom survive it, let alone ones already on the rocks.

A man who says he will leave you if you don't have a termination really isn't a man you want to spend the rest of your life with anyway is he?

Original poster
IslingtonHels · 08/08/2017 07:36

Thank you very much for your answers, I really appreciate the support. AnnieAnoniMouse, thank you for making the situation so crystal clear. I do not want a termination, and he should not make me feel guilty for wanting to keep the baby. And yes, I don't think I would want to be with him if I had a termination anyway, there would be so much resentment.
He normally sleeps in the sofa because he badly sleepwalks/ talks, (his choice). This morning he came in at 6am, got into bed and wrapped himself around me. I hope this might be his initial shock subsiding. I'm so scared of doing this on my own, but I guess I will have to if it comes down to it.
Thanks again for your replies.

OP posts:
user1495443009 · 08/08/2017 07:43

Have your baby if that's what you want; my sister made the same decision 21 years ago and we all supported her. She is now 20 and is a beautiful and lovely daughter, niece and grand daughter.

Velvian · 08/08/2017 07:47

Sounds like finding yourself pregnant was a lovely surprise. Focus on that, it's your decision and it sounds like you know how you feel about it.
Congratulations btwFlowersFlowersCake

cherryontopp · 08/08/2017 10:11

I would much rather have a child, do it on my own than regret ever having a child, especially as you say, your getting older there might not be another chance of a pregnancy.

Do what you want and no one else. He may come round he may not

AnUtterIdiot · 08/08/2017 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sophiebail · 08/08/2017 10:54

Hi,
I have too just recently found out I'm pregnant, however I'm 20 and my OH is 30! He at first was trying to work out ways to keep the baby, then he did a complete U-Turn and decided he'd appreciate if I got a termination. However I had already decided to keep the baby and if I went through with a termination I will end up resenting him and most likely could spilt up. Do what you think is best, I've decided to keep and risk loosing him from not wanting the baby, but he's said he'll be supportive and we'll try making it work. I am hoping he's thoughts will change once the baby is here!
Good luck and Congrats!!!

mummyGof2boys · 08/08/2017 12:05

Look at all the single
Mums out there. You will find the strength as a mummy to power through. It is your body and you make the decision. Please take some time to think about it and come to an informative decision. Look into what can help single mums etc

Mrscropley · 08/08/2017 12:07

Imo arse holes come and go (literally sometimes) but your dc are around forever. .

Original poster
IslingtonHels · 08/08/2017 12:22

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has replied on this thread.It has given me courage in my convictions.
Also thank you to those who have said congratulations; you are the first! My friends and family have understandably been concerned and no one has said congrats as they have been offering advice. I hope to get to the stage where I am less scared and can actually become excited about this pregnancy.
Sophiebail, if you want I can send you my messenger details so we can give eachother some support, thanks for letting me know I am not on my own here.
It's good to know this forum exists. Smile

OP posts:
May50 · 08/08/2017 12:22

You want to keep the baby. That comes across clearly. Congratulations. Flowers no decision required - your partner will either step up or not. Take care. You can do it alone if that's how it turns out.

JustHereForThePooStories · 08/08/2017 12:26

To be honest, baby aside, it's sounds like there's not much mileage left in this relationship anyway. You just need to think about if you want to leave it with or with the child.

It sounds like you've made up your mind from your posts, though.

Congratulations on your pregnancy- I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months.

Sophiebail · 10/08/2017 09:10

I'd love to! Me and my OH have finally come to agreement, after a talk with his mum Smile Hopefully means we can get things moving! Got my booking in appt with the midwife Monday, have you had yours yet? Let me know how things are!!x

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