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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Telling a close friend who's going through IVF that you're pregnant

25 replies

user1498647726 · 23/07/2017 17:51

My wife is 8-10 weeks pregnant (booking this week).I've a friend who I've known all my life,who's like a sister to me,who is on her second round of IVF, and I want to make sure I get the balance right between being considerate to her feelings without taking away her chance to be happy for us(which I know she will be).
we live about two hundred miles apart,though talk regularly on the phone,and see each other maybe once a year. The next time we see each other will be end of august/start of September,so we'll be past 12 weeks and first scan,and she'll know if second IVF has worked.
Basically,I'd really appreciate any advice to help make sure I tell her our brilliant news without hurting her anymore than circumstances are.

OP posts:

Justhadmyhaircut · 23/07/2017 17:52

Can you wait till she finds out about the second round?

JoyceDivision · 23/07/2017 17:55

How about ringing? Not letting them find out from some one else, but explain that you're ringing rather than face toface so they don't have to 'act' or look pleased in front of you, but can be as pissed off as they want, gives them time to process any negative emotions before meeting up with you?

boopdoop · 23/07/2017 18:01

When I was in a similar situation I sent my friend an email. I was really unsure but from conversations with others and asking on here, i went with that so that I could say what I wanted to say but she could read it and react however she needed to without having to respond there and then to me. I also sent it after work so she wouldn't ready if when at work, but would be at home with her husband. It was hard and I felt like crap, but I wanted to tell her before anyone else, and then leave the choices re our friendship with her, and giving her the option for as much space as she needed, or not. There was a definite distance, I only saw her once whilst pregnant (used to see her every few weeks), and a couple of times when DS was little, but over time our friendship was restored, even though sadly her ivf was never successful.

cherryontopp · 23/07/2017 19:30

I have been in both positions.

My friends telling me their pregnant while I was trying and going through IVF and telling a friend that I was pregnant with my IVF when hers had failed.
It's not easy but it's got to be done. I would advise telling her before she finds out if he IVF has worked.
There's no right time as she'll be upset any way but I would definitely not tell her when she's had the results, as if its negative, it'll be like a kick in the teeth.
I appreciate you'd want to wait until the 12 week mark to tell people, but to spare your friends feelings, I'd tell her maybe a week before.

Bagely · 23/07/2017 19:36

I'm an IVF patient, my sister was really delicate in her approach to telling me she was pregnant.

She sent me a text, she explained that she loved us but wanted us to be able to give us space. She was really sweet. Told us that she loves us and she wanted us to be as involved with the pregnancy as we felt able.

It meant I was able to digest the news, then call her in my own time. It gave me time to separate the sadness I felt for my husband and I (then the guilt and shame that follows), from the happiness I felt for my sister.

Congratulations on your wife's pregnancy. Wishing you well.

Cakescakescakes · 23/07/2017 19:38

A text or email. Give your friend time to digest the news before having to respond either in person or even on the phone.

Original poster

user1498647726 · 23/07/2017 20:32

That was my inclination,as I think the dates will work ,as I thought I'd be telling her face to face at start of September:but from hearing the experiences below, I'm thinking that I'll text/email her the week before.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1498647726 · 23/07/2017 20:34

Also,thank you,everyone,for responding,especially as it's such a difficult topic.it is much appreciated,as the last thing I,and my better half,want to do is hurt my friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1498647726 · 23/07/2017 20:48

Thank you.and thank you for your advice.it makes so much sense now you've said it,but it wasn't the way I'd first thought of,so I'm VERY glad I asked.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 23/07/2017 20:51

Don't phone or do it face to face. It's much better to let her get the news without having to put a brave face on it. That's almost always the verdict from those of us in your friend's position when these threads pop up.

You sound like a lovely friend.

peachgreen · 23/07/2017 21:10

I sent my friend an email and explained why I was doing it that way, and also said that I didn't expect any reply and wouldn't be offended if she just wanted to take some time away. I also reassured her that I wouldn't be posting any scan pictures on Facebook or anything (big trigger for me, post my own miscarriage and subsequent fertility struggles).

InThisTogether · 23/07/2017 21:35

Agreed with other posters here - I'd DEFINITELY do it via text / email/ message and do it before their i.v.f results.
Good luck and congratulations!

Lemondrop99 · 24/07/2017 14:11

I, unfortunately, had to drop it on my friend like a bomb.

We'd both been struggling with fertility, so had discussed it and supported each other a lot.

Unfortunately I got severe pregnancy sickness and nausea by week 5, so bad I couldn't get out of bed. My friend needed someone to urgently witness a signature and asked if she could come around with the paperwork.

I was in such a state, I just had to fess up on the spot. I think being so ill meant I just didn't really have the head space to think too much about how best to do it, although I felt awful telling her.

I knew what it felt like to be in her position, so was completely upfront that I knew it was probably hard for her to hear. She was so great about it, and I think she genuinely was fine with it. She's been super excited about my pregnancy, wants me to tell her all the gory details in 'prep' for her turn and keeps contacting me to see how things are going. It's been great to have her support. In return, I talk to her loads about her IVF journey and we like to stay really positive and talk about how we're looking forward to taking our babies for coffee and cake together. Of course, it's not that straight forward, but it's what we like to focus on.

Well done for thinking so much about your friend in all this. It's hard to know how she'll react, but in my case it was best to be frank about the fact that it's not the easiest news for my friend to receive. My friend has wanted to be really involved in my pregnancy, so you never know, your friend might take it really well too.

Good luck to both of you

2014newme · 24/07/2017 14:16

Tell her via email not f2f.
I've been in your friends position.
You are being very considerate 💐 good luck with your pg

2014newme · 24/07/2017 14:18

But give her more than a week to get used to it before you see her

Tchoutchou · 24/07/2017 14:26

Second cherryontopp. I'd tell your friend before she finds out about their IVF results

Astella22 · 24/07/2017 14:32

As someone who has gone through 5 failed IVF rounds I would advise telling her over email. Face to face can be too hard and emotions can just unexpectedly bubble to the surface. Give her some time to gather her thoughts so she can properly tell you that she's happy for you.

Original poster

user1498647726 · 25/07/2017 09:19

Again,thanks for all replies:they're much appreciated

OP posts:

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 25/07/2017 10:55

Another one to say do it by text or email. I would wait until they know the results of their latest IVF round, if you're able to, as that will probably have quite a big effect on how her and her OH are feeling/how they will respond. Please also be aware that she may struggle to meet up with you on Aug/Sept if their latest cycle was unsuccessful (and that is absolutely nothing to do with you and your OH, it just may all be too much). Good luck x

ThisisrealityGreg · 25/07/2017 11:01

I was in a similar situation and I made sure that she knew before anyone else. I sent her an email because I didn't want to put her on the spot wrt her emotions and she could respond when she was ready.

Happily she now has two small children of her own and I hope your friend has the same outcome.

Congratulations btw!!

PurpleDaisies · 25/07/2017 11:02

I would wait until they know the results of their latest IVF round, if you're able to, as that will probably have quite a big effect on how her and her OH are feeling/how they will respond

I would say the opposite-if the cycle is unsuccessful it'll be much worse to get a baby bomb. If they know now, at least that's the only thing they'll be dealing with.

Annab1983 · 27/07/2017 09:47

I was in your friends position and would recommend you tell her before she finds out if her ivf has worked, and by text when you know she is not at work for example.. luckily my Ivf worked and we are pregnant together, I couldn't have coped with a failed cycle then an announcement.. you are a good friend worrying but I am sure it will be fine!

Bisquick · 27/07/2017 09:52

Congratulations to you! And good on you for being so sensitive to your friend. I wish some of my friends had been so sensitive.

One insisted on calling me to tell me about their partner's pregnancy a couple of months after our baby's stillbirth... it made me feel like I was put on the spot. A text would have made it so much easier to handle.

Original poster

user1498647726 · 10/08/2017 20:20

Quick update:I've told my friend,and I did it by text when I knew she was at home.i NEVER would have thought of doing it this way before the replies,but am so glad I did.she's had bad news so the timing was awful,but I couldn't leave it any longer as the chance of her finding out on social media was unacceptable. But she's got back to me and was as lovely as anyone could be given the circumstances.
So thank you everyone for replying,it helped very much.

OP posts:

Macarena1980 · 12/08/2017 01:52

I think it's so nice that you're considering her feeling. I've just completed a successful round of ivf and prior to this have had 3 years of my friends and siblings telling me they were pregnant while I've still been trying. One of my best friends told me and my husband in a very busy restaurant and while I was happy for her, (and hopefully acted in this way) I couldn't help thinking that I wished she had been a little more sensitive. My brother and his wife sent us a message with scan pic and while I was happy I was able to have a wee cry and compose myself before messaging them back to congratulate them. I think this might be the best way, as you're giving time for her to process it. I'm sure she will be delighted for you, so try not to worry too much.

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